Friday night, I'm getting on a bus and heading up to NYC. "Sightseeing?" you ask. "No," I reply. "Bar crawling again?" "Been there, done that." I say. "Taking in some culture and good restaurants?" Sounds nice, but no. (And stop giving me the third degree. Sheesh...)
I'm going to New York to learn to surf. You read that right. I spent 15 of my formative years in Virginia Beach, Virginia, where there was both ample coastline and opportunity to learn, yet I never once gave it a go. (This, of course, did not prevent me from wearing t-shirts from every surf shop at the oceanfront and peppering my tweener conversations with words like "tubular" and "stoked.") (I'm nothing if not a dedicated poseur.)
As I head out to a Long Island beach on Saturday morning, I will try to forget that a 24-foot-long shark washed up on the shore there not even a month ago. People I have mentioned this to inevitably try to reassure me about my safety, claiming that this was a plankton-eating shark and that there is really nothing to worry about. Nothing except a TWENTY-FOUR-FOOT-LONG SHARK, FOR CHRISSAKES!!!
We're gonna need a bigger boat,
Brutalism
UPDATE: Thanks to Hurricane Bill, the surf instructor cancelled classes this weekend, so there will be no surf lesson for me. I am going to go home, put on my (new, bought just for this occasion) board shorts, clutch my bus ticket and play some Chris Isaak while staring forlornly into space.
Duuuude. Come to California for the surfage. We only get teeny weeny sharks here.
ReplyDeleteActually, that sounds like an incredibly cool way to spend a weekend.
Also, I would be less worried about the 24-foot-long shark that washed up on the beach and more worried about whatever killed it.
ZenMom - Smaller sharks, but bigger waves...I don't know what scares me more. I think it was a mob hit. But you didn't hear that from me.
ReplyDeleteI refuse to acknowledge this post as it would serve as tacit approval of your cheating on the dilettantes. Un-freaking-acceptable.
ReplyDeleteIt is not cheating...it is out in the open. More like a "Big Love" kind of arrangement. Will a high ropes course make up for this teensy indiscretion?
ReplyDeleteI dunno. I'll have to ask the other sister-wives.
ReplyDeleteLiving in Sydney makes me wish I knew how to surf!
ReplyDeleteP.S. Tante, Sister Wife Amy's biggest fear is being eaten by a shark. I would bet you a million caffeine-free beverages (caffeinated beverages are the devil's nectar) that Amy would not go anywhere near a surfing lesson.
ReplyDeleteFGIS - Australia would be a tough place to learn...definitely for the more advanced surfer, huh?
ReplyDeleteI only have ONE word for you.
ReplyDeletePHOTOS.
That. is. all.
Ri -- There will be many photos. Whether or not they will ever be posted is another story...
ReplyDeleteYou might be on to something. From Wikipedia:
ReplyDelete"A study published in 2009, in which 25 basking sharks were tagged off the coast of Cape Cod, Massachusetts..." Holy crap! It is just like "Jaws." They're everywhere!
Except that you are a total wuss. Basking sharks don't even have teeth (in addition to the fact that they eat plankton, MICROSCOPIC plankton). Dolphins have teeth. Are you afraid of them? You have more to fear from some toothless old grandpa sitting on a park bench on the boardwalk. A basking shark won't ogle you.
Surfing in Australia is suicide, though. Something like 900 Australians are eaten every year by nurse sharks alone. I think they stopped counting deaths from great whites.
Get that OP gear out of storage, though, you Surf Rebel.
Fine, Tard. Who'll be laughing as I get gummed to death? (Okay, I can actually name several people -- most of whom I'm related to...but that's not the point.)
ReplyDeleteI may wear my Vans. Jealous?
I hope this goes better than your turn on the Segway! And have you seen how large a basking sharks mouth is?? May not have teeth, but it still has a stomach. And I agree with dilettante07--cheater, cheater...
ReplyDeleteAmber - I will definitely ask about a surfing helmet. And possibly a scuba tank. And maybe request doing it tandem, as it is my first time trying this.
ReplyDeletehttp://thegoat.backcountry.com/2008/03/05/anti-shark-surfboard-attachment-eaten-by-shark-in-testing-phase/
ReplyDeleteNOT comforting...not comforting at all, One of those neighbors. I may as just tattoo the word "Lunch" on my forehead before heading out into the water.
ReplyDeleteIt would be easier for the shark to read if you tattooed it on the bottom of your foot. Unless you're ticklish there, then you might consider your ankle or calf (or cankle if you're feeling bloated).
ReplyDeleteYour class was canceled not because the waves will be big or the hurricane will hit NY. The pressure hurricanes generate on the ocean tends to push larger sea life normally residing in warmer waters along their path of travel. This inconvenience, coupled with the dearth of food sources in the new, colder waters, results in highly aggressive animals.
ReplyDeleteIf Bill comes anywhere near the east coast, mark my words: the south coast of Long Island will be strewn with the unidentifiable, half-eaten corpses of the phony tough and the crazy brave.
Actually, I was just checking Weather.com. Waves of up to 18 feet are expected along the Long Island coast this weekend. Holy crap!
ReplyDeleteHere's what they had to say:
"As we said earlier, don't be stupid and just stay out of the water this weekend."
Weather.com
(Of course, one way to interpret that phrase is that you are stupid if you "just stay out of the water this weekend." Cowabunga!)
Awwww. :(
ReplyDeleteWuss. You could totally handle 18" waves, even as a newbie.
ReplyDelete[Pause]
Wait, you mean 18 *feet*? Wow, how "Spinal Tap" of me. (speaking of which, I just found out WOJ (Wife Of Jason) hasn't seen 'Tap. Ever. Logging in to Netflix now...)
'Tard: OP? How pedestrian. We real poseurs wore 17th Street Surf Shop gear. Fer shur.
-J, who lived in VB for 18 years and only learned to surf 10+ years later in North Carolina. Don't ask.
Can you please post a picture of you in the board shorts staring into space? If you don't, I won't tell you about MTHS.
ReplyDeleteWell Jason, I never claimed to be a real poseur. I think OP was all that made it to NH in the '80s. And not to the Marshall's (until the '90s, and by then I was way past wanting anything OP). So the only thing I ever got was a hoodie that my mother clearly got at a steep discount from one of downtown Exeter's finer boutiques.
ReplyDeleteWell I should amend that. There were some surf shops in the nearby towns that are on the ocean. Nothing there I could afford on a McDonald's salary.
In other news, it seems as though you missed out on a good time. From Weather.com:
ReplyDeleteHurricane wave sweeps Maine spectators out to sea
Excerpt: "In Montauk, N.Y., swimmers weren't allowed in the water, but surfers were out riding the waves. State parks spokesman George Gorman said almost 2,000 surfers showed up at Montauk on Sunday, the most ever counted there. They enjoyed waves that reached as high as 16 feet."
Seriously, though. It's one thing to be Mr. I Ain't Afraid City Slicker. But don't do take on that persona with your 7-year-old.
Tard - No kidding. That made me sick to my stomach when I heard one of those washed out with the waves was a child. Jeez. What parent thinks getting that close with a KID is a good idea?
ReplyDeleteUgh.
Wait..Tard once owned a OP "hoodie"? WTF?
ReplyDeleteTante - It is never too late for an annulment...
ReplyDeleteNo Brutalism. No no no. I just gained cred in 'tante's eyes. She's saying "wtf" in the sense of "wow, I knew you were pretty cool, but that cool? I am one lucky woman."
ReplyDeleteAnd Tante -- I will totally take a pic of me in the board shorts...Mer wanted one, too. Is it even more enticing if I mention they are leopard print because I let Avery pick them out for me? Not even kidding.
ReplyDeleteAnd Tard - She was already thinking she was lucky when she was reminded of your lucrative career at McDonald's.
Not everyone can be married to a swing shift manager. SWING shift!
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of ironic -- never once have I worked a "swing" shift.
ReplyDeleteThere is still time! Of course, it's supposed to thunder storm again this weekend.
ReplyDelete