Monday, November 09, 2009

It Feels Just Like I'm Walking On Broken Glass

When I was in junior high, my family moved into a new housing development in Virginia Beach. It was a beautiful neighborhood -- it had lots of mature trees that the developer built around, and many homes were on deep water. It was a lovely neighborhood in which to take walks and go exploring. It was also a lovely neighborhood in which teenagers, thanks to the few residents and secluded surroundings, would pull into undeveloped cul-de-sacs, park and drink a lot of beer (as evidenced by the sheer quantity of smashed beer bottles and empty cans in the middle of the cul-de-sacs after any weekend).

One Sunday afternoon, my best friend, Kathyconnolly, and I were doing some exploring and walked into one of these vacant cul-de-sacs. (Kathyconnolly and I met in the gifted program in 7th grade. The irony of that based on the events I'm about to share is really quite priceless.) We saw a huge pile of broken beer bottles in the middle and in a moment of what my mother likes to refer to as "missing out on the common sense gene" absolute fearlessnesss, I decided that I must walk across it barefoot.

Kathyconnolly, being the great and supportive friend that she is, told me I was an effing moron. Was I going to be deterred by her lack of joie de vivre? No way. Instead, I worked to persuade her about why this was a great idea. Notably, that "Loni Anderson had performed the same stunt on Circus of the Stars."

This is why I am not a lawyer. Can you just see me in the courtroom: "Your honor, the reason my client did this is because Loni Anderson did it on Circus of the Stars." It would come to be known in the law books as the "B-List Defense".

Anyway, bolstered by a confidence that is found only in the clinically insane (and Loni Anderson, apparently), I took off my (powder-blue) Docksiders and began my journey across the pile of (likely tetanus-ridden) smashed beer bottles. I made it approximately six inches in before my feet were shredded into bloody ribbons and I was screaming, "OW, OW, OW, OW, OW" while reaching for Kathyconnolly so she could rescue me from the jagged shards of hell.

I limped home, convincing her along the way that my parents didn't really need to hear about this little episode.

And by the way, here's my muse:

Big deal. I could have done it with the benefit of a beadazzled cape and a Loretta Swit introduction, too,


Moooooog35 said...


There's something about Loni Anderson that makes you want to either bang the bejeesus out of her, or be just like her.

I had sex with Burt Reynolds for the same reason.

I probably should have opted for the 'banging the bejeesus' option.

Brutalism said...

Well, that explains Burt's Mooooog35 tattoo...

lacochran said...

She doesn't even dust her feet off afterwards. Color me skeptical. Of course, it was on TV, so it must be true.

Brutalism said...

Prolly as true as Loni's breasts and hair color, lacochran. >sigh<

Dilettard07 said...

What I love about this story, especially after having gotten to know Kathyconnolly better as this story was relayed to me a few weeks back, is what must have been going through her mind:

On the one hand, being your pal she tried to stop you and obviously wanted to prevent you from hurting yourself. On the other, after giving you fair warning, there had to have been a side to her of "well, I've done my duty and I don't want to risk being a nag to a friend. I'll shut up now. Besides, this could be amusing."

And so indeed. Kathyconnolly, your actions show that discretion is surely the better part of valor. We all thank you.

dilettante07 said...

Wasn't the second half of the "Loni Anderson did it on Circus of the Stars..." "and she's really dumb?"

I think the world owes Kathyconnolly a big fat thank you for her actions (or lack thereof) that day. If only this had occurred in the days of video phones and youtube. Did anyone capture a daguerreotype?

Brutalism said...

Tard - Indeed, Kathyconnolly was the voice of reason in this particular instance. However, there's another incident (something about us both deciding to take my family car and deliberately run out of gas "to see what it sounds like") that may make you think differently.

Tante - Whippersnapper. Stop gumming up the works.

Straight Guy said...

Loni Anderson never did anything as self destructive again... until she married Burt Reynolds.

Make sure your friends are there to pull you out of that one when it happens, too.

BTW: Loni looked a lot better when I was seeing her with my 13-year-old eyes.

Trooper Thorn said...

All those "Network Star" battle and circus shows were finally pulled because of the lawsuits. It's only a matter of time until "Dancing wih the Stars" suffers the safe fate.

kath said...

Tard and Tante - Thank you for suggesting that yet again my tendency toward inaction is an asset. My Senate campaign is going well here on the sofa.

For the record, I did not reasonably consider that "I didn't want to risk being a nag to a friend" because I was too busy screaming something about "IDIOT" and "RIDICULOUS" at the field of detritus about to be embedded in her feet. Nagging doesn't really enter your mind when you know lives are at stake. She really was very, very insistent that the footage you have just viewed made walking on beer bottle shards a great idea. There was a period of intense debate while she took off her socks. I know, I know socks AND powder-blue Docksiders. And I thought shouting would help?

While these times were before it was popular to post the contents of your breakfast to Facebook, there are certain photographs and other items I keep in my safe deposit box just in case I need to make a point about MAKING SMART CHOICES in the future. There is a child at risk here, people, and I'm not talking about Avery.

Brutalism said...

Straight Guy - That reminds me -- I saw a license plate the other day that said "TRD FRGSN", which obviously refers to "Turd Ferguson" the Norm MacDonald-inspired Burt Reynolds on SNL's Celebrity Jeopardy. Funny, sure. But would you get it on a license plate?

Trooper Thorn -- we can hope.

Kath -- Why didn't we just get drunk like other (normal) kids our age? (Your comment makes me laugh harder every time I read it.)

Jason the Absurdist said...

A few observations:

1) I know that cul-de-sac. In fact I used to live a couple hundred yards from it and remember scooping up a couple bucks worth of Aluminium (take that American spelling) cans there every weekend. Of course this was back in the day when recycling was unheard-of and you could get paid for it. Shut up, young punks - I was an innovator, not an eco-nerd. It was a year or two before I figured out why the cans smelled so bloody awful. Hint: cheap beer dregs do not fare well in the sun for a week.

B) Not all lawyers are bad. It's the 98% of them that give the rest a bad name. Trust me, I married one of the good ones.

III) You could have done if if you'd just had a snazzy bustier like Loni's. It's all in the (skimpy) clothing.

JenBC said...

There was a good WRKP ref in SNL this weekend. (Yes, I'm still watching after 35 years.) A wholesome show, really.

Loved the Mooooog35 tatoo response.

KathConnolly - Powder blues AND socks. Indeed.

In closing, what is it it with culdesacs that inspires such experimentation and debauchery? I love culdesacs.