I'd like an entendre. And make it a double.
Friday, February 17, 2023
At the dealership, she saw a desk with a nameplate featuring a name she recognized as that of a woman she was friendly with during high school in Northern Virginia. This name is unusual enough that it caught her attention.
Curious, she inquired of the gentleman assisting her if the woman was in. He replied, “no, she is a representative for a tire company and is onsite only on certain days.” Wanting to confirm whether it was the woman she knew, she asked a few questions about the woman and her family, all of which the man confirmed was accurate. However, he also indicated that it was likely not the same person because the woman is British and speaks with a British accent.
My friend figured this was all too much of a coincidence and did a quick search for her online, where she found a recent photo and showed it to the man who verified that it was, indeed, the same person. The same person who is FROM and GREW UP IN Northern Virginia and is NOT BRITISH nor did she ever speak with a BRITISH ACCENT.
Because my friend and I are both naturally inquisitive types, we had the following questions:
- Are they sure she is the rep. for a tire company and not a “tyre” company?
- She works in the same area where she grew up and went to high school – surely this is not the first time a former classmate has come into this dealership. Wouldn’t you think moving to another area to attempt this ruse would be a better idea?
- And finally – doesn’t it sound tiring to carry on the charade of being something you’re not every single day at work? I mean, I have to pretend I’m competent at my job and it’s exhausting.
Cheerio, Whilst, Bangers and Mash, God Save the Queen,
Thursday, December 08, 2022
He's not wrong
Last night, we attended our favorite weekly trivia game with friends.
During the event, the crowd gets a choice as to what the final round should be - and last night, we had the option of voting for "General Knowledge" or "Four-letter Words." Based on applause, Four-letter Words was the runaway favorite.
And we were killing it in this round by answering the first eight questions very quickly. Then it all fell apart when we had to guess the answer to the following question:
What can you find both on your desktop and in a church?
Group: "That's definitely 'icon'"
He totally deserves extra credit.
Tuesday, December 06, 2022
Fa La La La La La La La Yuck
I always get in a funk around the holidays. I've learned the best way to get through is to PLAN A THOUSAND ACTIVITIES SO I'M TOTALLY EXHAUSTED AND THERE IS NOT ONE SECOND OF DOWN TIME. A tired brain is a non-ruminating brain.
Which is why I agree to anything my family wants to do (see: Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, from which we just returned and for which I will have to write a separate post). To wit:
In our area, there is a small historic building that rents its space to a home decor boutique every year. I went one time and while it is nice and beautifully merchandised and laid out, I do not share the rustic "live - love - laugh" aesthetic - so I assumed the one time I visited would be the only time.
But this weekend, as I was driving by with my daughter and she saw signs posted for the event, she asked if we could go. I agreed, and we parked and made our way into the building. And right into a wall of stink. I don't know if someone had just used the one restroom in the tiny, historic building, or if there was a plumbing issue, but the entire place smelled like sewage...
...and not in the good way.
We spent exactly 20 seconds inside - as long as it took to walk in one door and out the other.
I mean, the place is lousy with holiday-scented candles and potpourri - why wasn't EVERY SINGLE one of these things working overtime? We cannot be the only people who noticed this?
Based on my current mood, I like to imagine this as a metaphor for the holidays,
Monday, November 07, 2022
The Dark Side of Lanolin
Two neighbor friends and I go to local trivia nights as often as our schedules align.
In addition to doing pretty well in trivia, we pride ourselves on choosing a creative moniker, as the trivia game we frequent most often offers a prize for not only trivia prowess, but also best team name.
In the past we've been:
- Team "My Stepbrother is part of a throuple and my family largely ignores this"
- Team "The Twerking Corgis" (for which we won best team name and some Guinness glasses)
- Team "Keep our Team's Name out your effing mouth" (following Will Smith's infamous slap)
Last night, we tried a different trivia night and could simply not think of a name. We racked our brains, tried to think of topical ideas...nothing. In a fit of desperation, my friend, Lisa, suggested using the first two letters of each of our names, so we'd be Team "Kaboli." However, when she typed "Kaboli" into her phone, it erroneously autocorrected to "lanolin."
Gentle reader: I have an endearing personality trait of finding things like "lanolin" hilariously funny and repeating the word about 800 times while laughing so hard tears stream down my face. And last night was no exception. It got even funnier when Lisa mentioned that lanolin was made of sheep's wool, and I accused her of keeping her in-depth knowledge of lanolin a secret for the entirety of our friendship - particularly because we have walked thousands of miles together while chatting about almost every topic. (Everything but wax secreted by the sebaceous glands of wool-bearing animals, I now realize.)
While I googled to ensure she was correct about its origins, I came upon an article entitled, "The Dark Side of Lanolin," and just like that ... we had a team name.
Team "The Dark Side of Lanolin" settled into the trivia game at a new location for us - a local brew house in a Brutalist work/live development in Northern Virginia. While we wanted to like it, there were many strikes against it: acoustics being so bad in the concrete-heavy, Brutalist building that we could not hear the emcee and heard way too much of fellow competitors sitting around us; being required to read questions and answer on our phones which made us wonder why they even had an emcee and how they could possibly prevent people from googling answers as there was plenty of time to do so between questions; and poorly-worded questions that were ambiguous and caused confusion. Additionally, we had to go to the bar to order food and drinks which is not a big deal usually, but when you are in the midst of a trivia competition, you don't want to take the time away from the game to do so.
Granted, we are also biased as we love our "home" trivia location, where answers must be written and submitted on paper and phones have to be stowed throughout. There are good acoustics and table service, and the emcee is hilarious. And the trivia is exactly the right amount of challenging so the three of us can most often noodle through to the correct answers.
I mean, one time Lisa almost came to blows with an opposing team whose representative WOULD NOT ACCEPT the fact that we were right and he was wrong, but she stood her ground and we were ultimately granted the win. (She may have been slightly scared to walk into the parking lot following the game, but hey, WE GOT THE POINT!)
The word "sebaceous" is giving me hives,
Friday, October 07, 2022
All Fowled Up
About a month ago, I got my hair cut and colored. The hairdresser who did the work has colored my hair one or two other times...adequately-ish.
After the appointment about a month ago, however, the color looked terrible. I get high and low lights, so when my natural hair starts growing in, it blends much better than if the color is uniform. Unfortunately, the color after this appointment looked like a single, dirty beige tone. I mentioned it to the stylist at the time and she generously offered to re-do the color at no charge if I still did not like it within a week. I thanked her, waited a week, then called to re-schedule corrective color for my single-tone beige look.
Important point: I am a very generous tipper. I lean toward over-tipping and made sure to tip both the woman who shampooed by hair and the hairstylist very well even though I was not happy with the color.
Because the hairstylist works a 9-3 schedule, I was not able to reschedule the corrective color appointment for another three weeks, when I had a break in my work day and was able to go.
On the morning I went back for the corrective color, the stylist had to re-color it twice. It still looked monochromatic and very beige-y in a very unappealing way. And it took two hours, which means I had to take PTO from my job for this appointment. When she was finished, I left the salon and immediately sent the shampoo woman a tip through Venmo but could not decide if I should tip the stylist again since the color was her error and it actually cost me a lot in time/PTO to get it "corrected." As I like to tip, I even reached out to friends to ask their opinions on what to do - and almost everyone (including another hairstylist) said, "It's really up to you."
Dear readers, I ultimately did not tip. And because I'm me, have obsessed over whether this was the right decision ever since.
Yesterday, I got my answer when karma found me.
I stopped at the grocery store in the afternoon to pick up ice cream and pretzels for my sick kid, as it was all that sounded appealing to her. While in the store, I also added a rotisserie chicken to the cart for dinner. With my three items, I headed to the self checkout to complete my purchase.
Wednesday, August 10, 2022
And BINGO wasn't lame-o
My daughter is part of a student group that volunteers with several local organizations. This has given her a chance to showcase her skills and talents, such as dressing in the Clifford the Big Red Dog mascot costume in 95 degree heat, and being a buddy at a 'Night to Shine' event. Preparation for this event required getting instruction on what to do if your buddy keeps running away from you or wants to keep going back to the buffet. (I suggested that in lieu of attending the info session, she could just ask me to recap every date I had in college...)
The first time she dressed as Clifford was during a community day at a local community center. I arrived early to pick her up so I could see her in action. As I walked in, I saw Clifford heading toward an ambulance surrounded by EMTs, then climbing inside to sit on a stretcher. As I tried to elbow my way closer to get a better view of Clifford's sneakers to determine if this was, in fact, my child, I said, panicked, to the EMTs, "I think I'm Clifford's mom - is she alright?"
Turns out, she was heading into the ambulance for a photo op with the EMTs. EMTs who wondered how I was unsure whether I had given birth to this thing.
|Clifford the influencer.|
A couple of years prior to this, she and a friend also had a memorable stint at the local assisted living community running the weekly Bingo game.
Seemed like a sweet way to pass a couple of hours and as the two girls who volunteered were only 14, I got to be the designated "adult supervision." (stop laughing)
Turns out, Bingo can bring out the worst in assisted living residents, and while she and her friend were leading the Bingo game, they were treated to the following:
- Arguments stemming from perceived Bingo slights (who got the best cards/table/seat) followed by accusations of cheating
- Loud complaints about whether one woman should be able to participate because she was hard of hearing and kept calling "Bingo!" when she did not actually have it, because she could not hear the numbers being announced
- Lots of whining about the available prizes for winners, which included deodorant, snack bags of chips, fun-sized candy bars, shaving cream, and travel-sized tissue packs. And to be fair - for an assisted living facility that costs roughly a zillion dollars a year, you'd think the merch would be a little better
|You've lived longer than most of your contemporaries -|
please celebrate by wearing these novelty socks on
a slippery wood floor
Saturday, August 06, 2022
Vengeance is (Not) Mine
Note: In coming up with this blog post title, I googled the origin of the phrase and learned it is from the Bible - specifically, Deuteronomy (which before I knew better, I once spelled "Duderonomy" to the delight of my friend, who was like, "I'm stoked to read the Bible, bro").
Still not sure why I was referencing a book of the Bible in an email to a friend (or an email to anyone, for that matter), but as most of my 20s were a blur, it kinda tracks. Amen.
Last night's stormy weather meant outdoor activities were a no-go, so I suggested to my fam that we go to an actual theater to watch a movie. They agreed, so I purchased tickets online for the film, "Vengeance," and was delighted to see we were three of only 10 people who had reserved seats for the show. This was good news both because COVID is still very real, and primarily because I'm a misanthrope.
We got to the theater about ten minutes early and settled into our seats. There was one man directly behind us and a couple of others scattered throughout the theater and we happily chatted in anticipation of seeing a movie together in God-knows-how-long. (Another religion reference - Deut!)
A few moments later, a man came into the theater by himself, briefly sat in the seat on the floor closest to the exit (in hotels, this would be the equivalent of the "murder room" at the end of the hall closest to the stairway that provides quick egress), then set a large black bag down on the floor and exited the theater.
My vigilant daughter noted this seemed a little off, and suggested we leave the theater and see if this guy was at concessions or in the restroom. He was in neither place, so Mr. Brutalism talked to a manager, who assured him he had seen the man enter and had looked through the bag before permitting him to take it into the theater. We re-entered the theater and the bag man came in about ten minutes later and sat in his murder seat, noisily munching the popcorn he had procured - from a concession stand on a different floor, presumably.
Immediate threat aside, we enjoyed previews and the beginning of the movie, which started strong with its interesting premise and solid cast, and let it transport us, as movies do. This lasted 15 minutes until the gentleman directly behind us began snoring loudly.
Moments later, a couple entered the theater and sat one row and about three seats behind us (a "knight's move" away, if you will). My daughter nudged me and pointed to where they were sitting and I saw what was horrifying her - their disgusting bare feet (or as she referred to it, "them dawgs") stretched out over the seat in front of them.
Elsewhere in the theater, we heard hacking and coughing.
Which means that out of ten people in the theater, a solid 50% were boors - an unreasonably high boor percentage, if you ask me.
Nostalgic for quarantine,
Tuesday, May 10, 2022
The dynamic at Brutalism HQ is that I tend to get a second wind around 10:00pm when the other members of my household are winding down from the day. This second wind often consists of me making up and singing a song in the most obnoxious voice I can muster or doing some sort of dance while brushing my teeth.
The other night, however, I deviated from the usual creative format to discuss an insight I had while perusing Next Door earlier in the day - that being if you are Jesse D. from Fox Mill's older child, you can simply print out the following ad and hand it, wordlessly, to your therapist.
Wednesday, March 09, 2022
It's A Sign
A charming little burg near us is going through quite a bit of redevelopment lately. Part of this development involves tearing down Vienna's only two-star hotel that in recent years has been - shall we say - narcotics adjacent.
(I posted pics of the sign on Instagram with the comment about it being a two-star hotel and a neighbor commented, "Huh. Two stars seems generous." This may give you an idea of why this particular plot is being redeveloped.)
|This is the Gen X of hotels. Partly because it was built in 1971,|
and partly because it loves to make fun of what you spend on avocado toast.
|Her response? "Yes, please! The more stains, the more memories!"|
The demo manager would not give us permission to take the sign until his boss (who was not on site) approved it, which led to another phone call - this one to the office of the demo company. We were not able to reach the boss, so we left a message and returned home, dejected.
Early the next day, I called the demo company again, hoping the sign had not been razed - and again - my call went straight to voice mail. So, I called Lisa again and she offered to call the demo guy directly - while again giving us permission to just take it, as their company owns the building. I thanked her for graciously helping in our quest for the sign and again called my husband to come get me while I assembled a variety of tools we would possibly need for this operation.
When we got to the site, I again remained in the car on a work call while Mr. Brutalism went to assess the situation - and moments later, he returned to the car with the following:
|Two signs! And only one has bird poop on it!|
Of course, we are the only family in the entire DMV metro area that does not own an SUV, so there was a moment of panic when we realized these would not fit in the car. But because he's a planner and brought twine, Mr. Brutalism had these strapped to the roof of the car in no time.
I texted Lisa the photo of Tim with the sign, thanking her for all of her help - and she wrote back, "Yay!!! So happy you got it!" because she is cool and a nonsense enabler.
After all of that, I never really considered what we would do with these if we were successful in our acquisition. Thoughts?
Monday, January 24, 2022
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
My daughter plays club volleyball in the high school off-season. This gives her a chance to keep her skills sharp, play with different people, and gain competitive tournament experience.
Part of the tournament experience is learning how to keep score and make calls, so during a tournament this past weekend, whenever her team had a 'bye', they functioned as line judges and kept score for other teams' games.
While the girls were scorekeeping, they were also supposed to push a button when someone made a great play so the company hired to record these events would know when in the game great plays occurred and be able to easily locate and edit them into the video highlight reel for the tournament.
My daughter's friend, sensing that an all-great-plays reel may lack a little dimension, thusly decided to also press the button when girls got conked in the head with a ball, or collided, or fell on their butts on the court.
And it is because of this generation I have hope for the future.
Monday, January 10, 2022
- When you are apprehensive about traveling in a group because you have never done so before and don't know what to expect, you will be delighted with the people who are part of your small group, including your amazing tour guide. We were three of just 10 people in our group, which was the right size and mix of well-traveled, interesting people who were also (most importantly) a lot of fun. We even had a bonus group member join us in the jungle and she was such a great addition to the group, we were sad when her trip came to end and she had to leave us. Best of all, there were four kids in the group and our daughter was thrilled to have other kiddos around. We are now all friends on social media and feel like we have such a bond and would love to see any of them again down the road.
(Bonus: the organized trip removed all the usual logistical stressors for us on this adventure trip. We were on the go constantly on every mode of transportation: buses, planes, boats, trains - and we just had to show up. Heaven.)
- The Miraflores neighborhood of Lima is lovely - which I suppose is what you'd expect from a name that literally translates to "look at the flowers" - and the Barranco neighborhood is artsy and cool (which is a little more of a head-scratcher as Barranco literally translates to "cliff"). An interesting part of this neighborhood is an abandoned church whose roof is slowly being pecked apart by the vultures who sit atop the structure. It looked like something out of a Hitchcock movie. A movie that should possibly be titled, "Miravultures."
|Christmas decor at our hotel in Miraflores.|
|Vultures. Eating a roof. As they do.|
- Lima is a culinary destination for a reason - oh my god, the food! You will enjoy ceviche many times including one version you make during a cooking class. You will also have causas, alpaca, great coffee, great chocolate, pisco sours, and the black corn drink chicha morada which you have (randomly) tried before at the Peruvian-influenced restaurant in your neighborhood at home.
- Based on the what is being sold in market stalls everywhere, you learn that Peruvians have a penchant for both Panettone and yellow underpants. Panettone because of the Italian influence and yellow underpants because it is tradition to wear a pair of yellow underpants inside out underneath your clothes until midnight on New Year's Eve, which you then flip around when the clock strikes twelve. You understand that yellow represents luck and happiness, although you will question what kinds of NYE parties these are that require the removal of pants. You will then become determined to get yourself invited to one.
|Luck and happiness, briefly (heh)|
- When you forgo a pre-dinner shower in the rainforest one evening, opting instead to sit on the porch at the lodge and sip a local starfruit IPA while others from your group wander by and join you one-by-one to have a beer and visit until your whole group is assembled and the kids get involved in a rousing game of Jenga and the soundtrack consists of Titi monkeys calling to each other in the trees above and the lodge staff brings out salty plantain chips fresh from the oven...you will realize you have achieved total contentment. Total stinky, sweaty contentment, but contentment nonetheless.
- You will see cabybaras, macaws, caimans, yellow porcupines, howler monkeys, Titi monkeys, tarantulas, bullet ants, snakes, bamboo rats, piranhas, and countless other creatures on your boat ride and evening hike through the jungle. This will fascinate you. What will terrify you is when you leave the dinner table to use the women's restroom at the lodge and when you turn around to lock the door, you see a gigantic, meaty gecko on the wall of the restroom. You will do some sort of jig out of the bathroom while screaming your head off which will cause all guides and children in the group to come running.
|Capybaras. We sadly did not get a photo of the 'gecko jig'|
- You will think you are in pretty decent physical condition until you are hiking straight up, at altitude, in a KN95 mask.
- While you will feel bad tourism has been so negatively affected in Peru due to COVID, you will also appreciate visiting Machu Picchu at half capacity and never feeling crowded or unsafe in other tourist areas.
|Watching the clouds part and dramatically reveal Machu Picchu|
was one of the cooler things we've ever experienced.
- When your guide takes you to a scene-y restaurant/bar overlooking Cusco and you see the most amazing cocktails at the next table, you immediately order one without even asking what the ingredients are because that is totally secondary to your enjoyment:
|When I finished the drink, Barbie raised her arms in victory. |
She then did a downward dog. (And she apparently
got the memo about yellow underpants.
Though hers appear to be constructed from cotton candy.)
|Running around the block |
with a suitcase.
- When your tour guide graciously invites you to his family home on New Year's Eve - GO! New Year's Eve is a big holiday in Peru and you'll experience all the traditions, food, and family that are central to this celebration. This includes fireworks, running around the block with an empty suitcase to manifest travel in the coming year, brushing people with a wheat sheaf that has money attached to bring prosperity, and singing the Peruvian equivalent of "Auld Lang Syne" before eating 12 grapes for luck. It is amazing and generous and such a cool part of the trip that you'll be forever grateful.
|Wheat sheaf and soles|
|More fam and yellow|
|Kids all bought matching chakana necklaces as mementos.|
|Little cutie. And a baby alpaca.|
|Maybe next time...|
Wednesday, December 22, 2021
Ode to Darrin Stevens and Becky Conner
Part of my day job now entails planning virtual employee engagement events. Turns out, many of our technical IT folks are fun and creative, so it's always exciting to let them use a different side of their brains in our seasonal contests.
For instance, last year we hosted our first-ever virtual gingerbread contest around the holidays and it had great participation.
Chasing that high, I suggested our next engagement activity should be a springtime Peeps diorama contest, being as I’m a little partial to these.
However, I made the mistake of running this idea by HR (tagline: "where fun comes to die"), who determined that it may offend folks who don’t celebrate Easter, and suggested we instead call it a “Spring Candy Diorama Contest.”
Having been down this road many times, I knew better than to argue and simply replied, “We will definitely promote it as the Spring Candy Diorama Contest. But just out of curiosity – are there any 'spring candies' that are not associated with Easter?”
I did not receive a reply.
This month, we hosted the gingerbread contest for the second year. (Which is in NO WAY associated with Christmas, and which I suggested promoting as a "December timeframe baked residential structure contest.")
And again, we had great participation and recently announced the top four winners via email - including the overall winner who won by a huge margin.
So it was slightly disheartening to learn from the winner's manager a few days later that he had STOLEN THE IMAGE OFF THE INTERNET and ENTERED IT INTO OUR LITTLE GINGERBREAD CONTEST! On a hunch, she had searched Google images and found the entry, which won a gingerbread contest somewhere in the Midwest in 2016.
In the interest of not causing #gingerbreadgate2021, we are planning to quietly insert the list of winners into the next company newsletter – with that guy’s name and the picture of 'his' gingerbread house redacted, and the fifth place finisher now taking a spot on the winners list. Hoping, of course, that our employees are children of ‘70s and ‘80s television who learned to blindly accept when a main character was quietly replaced with an entirely different person and will apply that same suspension of disbelief to the holiday gingerbread contest.
(Ring gels, fruit slices, macaroons, almond kisses, chocolate-covered marshmallows, and chocolate-covered matzo are all spring candies affiliated with Passover. I stand corrected, which is what always happens when I get indignant about something.)
Happy Holidays! Stay healthy! Get vaccinated! Don't steal images from 2016 midwestern gingerbread contests!
Sunday, October 24, 2021
This Is What You've Been Looking For
I recently read the tweet below and frankly, I beg to differ.
So, even though it was a Saturday night and my friend in NYC was likely out doing what cosmopolitan New Yorkers do on Saturday nights, I texted her the photo, with a quick note that proclaimed, "I found that ceramic Dalmatian wearing a Christmas sweater soap dispenser you've had your eye on!"
You know, so she understands I'm thinking of her.
Other acceptable phrasing (with actual real-world examples) for these touch bases includes:
"Here's that [cat in a yoga pose figurine] you've always wanted."
"Here's that [crossed tennis rackets with an inspirational saying wall decor] you've been looking for."
This has gone on back and forth for YEARS whenever the opportunity arises and it never stops being funny.
At least to us.
The 'two friends' thing is making a lot of sense,
Thursday, October 14, 2021
This is Nuts
A favorite thing of late is when my daughter comes home from school and shares notable parts of her day - not only because I love hearing what she deems a highlight, but also because her delivery is impeccable.
During a recent debrief, she casually mentioned that while eating with her friends, she noticed a cashew packed in her lunch looked like it would fit perfectly in the ear of one of her dining companions. And because she is a naturally curious child, she felt compelled to test this hypothesis:
|Say what you will, she has always done exceptionally|
well with spatial relationships in standardized testing.
Also of note: the very blasé expression
on the insertee's face.
I'd heard her mention ol' cashew-ear's name previously so I inquired, "Oh, is this [NAME] you've told me about before?"
With faux exasperation, she replied, "It's not [NAME] who's allergic to buckwheat, it's the other [KID WHO SHARES SAME NAME]. [thinks for a moment] By the way, who's allergic to buckwheat? How do doctors even know to test for a buckwheat allergy? Who's eating that much buckwheat?"
I haven't heard such a rant about boys in her class since she derisively explained one of her classmates lined up essential oil bottles on his desk and would select and rub an essential oil into his temples prior to taking a test.
So, she's a little intolerant.
At least it's not of buckwheat.
Tuesday, September 07, 2021
Can-Do Attitude of a Different Ilk
I adopted my husband's last name when we married. It had less to do with succumbing to the patriarchy and more to do with ridding myself of the clunky, inelegant family name I inherited at birth. That name was often mistaken for a similar last name and therefore, was always mispronounced and misspelled.
Then, I became a Cañedo (Can-YAY-doh). And although we add to the confusion by going with the Americanized pronunciation of "Can-eddo" rather than the mellifluous Spanish pronunciation, the name is bastardized in so many different ways it sometimes makes me pine for the birth name days.
I was reminded how badly this name is butchered when I recently called to schedule a doctor's appointment. The woman answering the telephone was the embodiment of "perky" and "chipper" and "I need an IV of espresso, stat!"
She helpfully asked my date of birth and last name (which I pronounced correctly), then buoyantly responded, "found your record right here, Mrs. Can-Do!"
As I knew this call would last for a couple of minutes and I would likely never speak to this person again, I did not correct her.
(Narrator: She would live to regret that decision.)
While she began looking for an appointment date that worked with my schedule, I asked if she could also tell me the last time I was there, to make sure the appointment timing was correct. She cheerfully agreed to do so by brightly announcing, "Of course, Mrs. Can-Do, I'll look that up now."
And she was obviously looking through a list of records because as she scrolled, she chirped, "Let's see....Can-Do, Can-Do, Can-Do, Can-Do, Can-Do, Can-Do, Can-Do..." (repeat infinity times as I looked for a pencil to shove deep into my ear canal).
She enthusiastically informed me of my last appointment, and scheduled the next one, reminding me to show up at least 15 minutes early to fill out paperwork.
To which I (naturally) replied, "can do."
Thursday, June 10, 2021
Lackluster and Totally Luster
|Note: I feel compelled to share this is |
a really great restaurant. The food is anything
BUT bland, and the service is phenomenal.
|Less of a rustic, outdoorsy vibe, and somehow feels more like a place|
I'd wanna stay. (Apparently, Banksy is now at an Amazon fulfillment center.)
Wednesday, March 24, 2021
I'm a Loo-ser, Baby, So Why Don't You Kill Me
It's no secret I'm a bit of a Dilettante, so in the areas of life where I feel I have full comprehension and mastery, I perhaps revel in it a bit too much, and then rest on my proverbial laurels.
Take toilets, for example.
Toilets, I get: Use for intended purpose. Keep clean. Expert level achieved.
Until you are required to go shopping for a new one for the first time in years and learn in the time you've been out of the toilet buying game, the entire industry has metamorphosed into something you don't recognize with added "features" and "engaging video content" and hyperbolized claims of what toilets can do.
|Do I want the "no slam" seat...|
|...or the "slow close" seat?|
(I mean, it's a $30 value - what have you
done for me lately "no slam" seat?)
Do I want a toilet that can accommodate
seven billiard balls in a single flush...
(Yes, yes I do want this. Badly.)
...or one that can accommodate a
bucket of golf balls in a single flush?
(Talk about Sophie's Choice)
Aside: My mother has shared an adorable anecdote from when I was very young and our family of four was living in a tiny apartment with one bathroom. She walked by that bathroom one morning and heard the following from me:
I forgave her for being a fun-ruiner just as she forgave me for having our one bathroom out of commission until she could find an emergency plumber.
Another aside: I am currently reading Sophie's Choice. It is extremely well-written and I appreciate the book, but cannot seem to get past about 100 pages. I don't know, perhaps digging into a heart-wrenchingly depressing book in the midst of a global pandemic was not the best idea.
And yet another aside: Without getting too graphic, what diet necessitates toilets able to flush insane amounts of sports balls?
And finally - to the people who have made developing content, video production, and marketing their life's work: kudos for adding this little gem to your resume:
"Never Compromise™ - it's the most perfect flush, yet!
They take flush power, bowl cleanliness, and toilet design to the leading edge!
Aquapiston ® technology! Cleancoat™ technology! ReadyLock™ System!"
So many technologies! And systems!
This was part of the display at the toilet store.
To enjoy the video in its entirety, go here.
(Hmmm...why does Revolution 360 sound so familiar?)
Saturday, February 27, 2021
The Great Pink Eye of Infinite Wisdom
Yesterday, Mr. Brutalism texted me while he was out running errands and asked me to take a pic of the grocery list on the kitchen door and send it to him so he could shop for groceries.
Happy to oblige, I skipped downstairs, snapped the photo, and sent it.
As a bonus, I also took a close up of the cat's anus and sent that along, sans comment.
He never replied to this bit of inspiration, but later in the day, I received an email from him with the subject line "Awesome LA house!"
He knows how much I look at LA real estate as I am constantly planning our future there. I send him links to houses on Trulia all the time, but this was the first time he sent me a link. Encouraged, I clicked open the email - only to find the photo of the cat's sphincter.
He also sent this along: an entire genre of cat butt coloring books - available on Amazon.
On one hand, these are my people and I've never felt so seen. On the other hand...perhaps this is the impetus we all need to take our business elsewhere.
I love a happy ending,
Tuesday, February 02, 2021
Sundance Film Festival 2021 - it was virtually perfect!
Like many people, I prefer experiences to things when it comes to receiving gifts. Of course, it’s rather challenging to plan experiences during a pandemic, so it is a testament to my husband’s gift-giving prowess that for Christmas, he presented me with an all-inclusive pass to the virtual Sundance Film Festival 2021.
The film festival was this past weekend – so after a weekend comprised of our selection of ten full-length features and 20 shorts (and assorted Q&As with filmmakers and actors) – I bring you “What I Watched: Sundance 2021” with my completely amateur assessments of the most memorable films as determined by me. Enjoy!
U.S. Dramatic Competition
John and the Hole – Michael C. Hall – the guy who played serial killer Dexter -- now plays an affluent and uninvolved Dad whose 13-year-old kid drugs him, his wife, and their daughter and keeps them trapped in an underground bunker for about a week, while the kid lives life on his own terms, using the family’s house, money, and car to maintain his schedule and buy food. (SPOILER ALERT: when he finally helps his family out of the bunker, there is no explanation for why he did this. I do not care for ambiguous, nebulous movies like this – particularly after such an intriguing build up. There is no “why” except possibly flashbacks involving what appears to be his Mom when she was his age may have something to do with it? I presume it is supposed to be unsettling and thought-provoking for the viewer. If so, achieved.)
Rating: Spoon-feed me, please - B-
On the Count of Three - I unfairly likened this to the male version of Thelma and Louise, which is not at all accurate, but helps provide some sort of context. The two leads have amazing chemistry as best friends and you root for them through the entire film – even (especially?) when they run afoul of the law and Jerrod Carmichael delivers lines such as, “Hey, man – thanks for hitting my dad with a tire iron. You’re a good friend.” Even though this is heavy material (a suicide pact, mental illness, child molestation), it is darkly funny and very sweet. Tiffany Haddish and Henry Winkler make brief but meaningful appearances.
Rating: Buddy movie with a twist - A
U.S. Documentary Competition
Homeroom – Oakland, CA kids organize and rally to remove police from their schools, who are not only threatening and triggering for the primarily black and brown kids in the school district, but whose funding is also taking away necessary programs and services from this same population. The tragic murder of George Floyd occurs during the filming of this documentary, which ultimately helps persuade the school board to vote with the kids after initially not supporting them.
Rating: Hopeful for the future – A
Rita Moreno: Just a Girl Who Decided to Go For It – 87-year-old national treasure Rita Moreno has joie de vivre that makes you love her from the minute the film begins and leaves you wanting more when it ends. After describing how Moreno overcame numerous obstacles including racism and sexism to seemingly embody the American Dream of struggling to achieve great success – this filmmaker posits, “and what could she have achieved had she NOT had to deal with that?” It is a deeper look into Rita Moreno’s life, tribulations, and a more complete picture of entertainer-as-human-being, including her early and continued activism, her relationship with Marlon Brando (about whom she delivers a perfectly timed line that made me laugh out loud), and surprising honesty about what looked like her perfect marriage. And at 87, she’s still working, wearing heels, dancing, and celebrating life on her terms.
Rating: Hey, you GUUUYYYSSSS! She’s the best and this was well done - A
Try Harder! – as the parent of a teenager who will be applying to college in a few short years, this film resonated with (and by “resonated with”, I of course mean “scared the crap out of”) me. It follows kids from one of the most selective public high schools in the country as they navigate their high school years and college application process. These kids have taken all the AP courses, have weighted GPAs of 4.5 or higher, and have sacrificed sleep, friendships, social lives, and many ‘normal’ high school experiences in the hope of being admitted to top-tier schools. (Most of them view Stanford as the gold standard, as this is a San Francisco-area school.) It turns out that when you are one of many kids with the same stellar resume, Stanford is simply not interested. Nor is Yale, or UC Berkeley, or Harvard. It is an interesting commentary on ticking all the right boxes to succeed, and it not being enough because it has made you the same as everyone else.
Rating: Be yourselves, for the love of God - A-
|Our favorite movie snacks - we fully embraced|
being couch potatoes
World Cinema Dramatic Competition
Human Factors – see “John and the Hole” above – are there repeated home break-ins? Aren’t there? What does this mean to this family and their lives? Do I even care?
Rating: Headscratcher – B-
How It Ends – a full-length feature comedy with cameos from every person you’ve ever seen on screen - such as Rob Huebel – the guy who is in everything, including my favorite meme:
Rating: Funniest death-by-meteor movie I’ve seen - A
The Sparks Brothers – billed as a documentary about “your favorite band’s favorite band” and “the greatest band you’ve never heard of.” And admittedly, I’m in the group uncool enough to have never heard of them. It made me miss John Marshall terribly, as he would not only have known their library of songs and been disgusted I didn’t, but would have also pointed out why I was incorrect in my assessment that no one has heard of them because their music is TERRIBLE. If you know this band, and particularly if you like this band, please explain it to me. The documentary was well done – I just don’t get the appeal.
Rating: In tribute to the avant-garde-ness of the subject matter, I rate this film: cucumbers
Street Gang: How We Got To Sesame Street – you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll still be able to remember every song and segment from this wonderful show. Delightful to reflect on a bunch of smart, creative people doing something that mattered and continues to matter.
Rating: Today’s letter is - A+
Searchers – documentary about online dating in NYC. I’ll save you the two hours: it’s dehumanizing. Interesting filming – but way too long and not sure we gained any new insights.
Rating: It’s not you, it's me – B-
Wiggle Room – easily my favorite of all the shorts. The film focuses on a young woman who is seemingly invisible and powerless due to being poor, a minority, a woman, young, and disabled due to an accident. When she treks to an insurance company to follow up on a long-delayed payment for a wheelchair ramp her coverage is supposed to provide – she proves just how strong she is in a way that will have you cheering for her and thinking about this short many days after watching it.
Rating: You go, girl! – A+
A Concerto is A Conversation – I lied. This was easily my favorite of all the shorts. This film is a conversation between a 91-year-old black man and his grandson – about growing up in two very different times and both realizing different kinds of success (the grandson’s due in large part to obstacles faced, hardships overcome, and choices made by his grandfather). It is devastating (though unsurprising) how much racism and how many obstacles the grandfather was faced with, and instead of being defeated, was inspired to find different paths to his success. Harkening back to the Rita Moreno film – imagine what he could have achieved if he didn’t have to deal with that.
Rating: This is just fantastic all around, and the interesting choice of using two cameras for close ups was brilliant - A+
You Wouldn’t Understand – I didn’t. I think it was about time travel and lasers and a pricing gun being used as an actual gun and interrupting a gentleman’s picnic.
Rating: SBH (Should Be High to watch this)
The Field Trip – depressingly accurate perspective of what corporate America looks like through the lens of kids spending half a day living it during a fifth grade field trip to Junior Achievement Biz Town.
Rating: I think we should amplify this through our channels and think outside the box – A
When We Were Bullies - husband and I had differing opinions on this documentary that revisited a bullying incident the filmmaker took part in 50 years prior at his Brooklyn, NY, elementary school. He tracks down and interviews classmates and even the teacher for their perspectives on the incident. I wanted more remorse from those involved and less focus on them and more about the kid who was bullied (the filmmaker said that was the original intent, but he changed his mind). Stylistically, this was great. But if you’re going to the trouble of tracking down the bullies - I need contrition and growth. If not, I don’t need to hear how this affected the kids doing the bullying – I know they are way less traumatized than a child being jumped and pummeled by a crowd.
Rating: They should all get wedgies - B