A couple of nights ago, my husband and I attended our town's holiday stroll - an adorably festive event the community hosts every year where merchants stay open late, carolers warble, and the crisp air is filled with the delightful aroma of marshmallows roasting over fire pits. Or if you're downwind from the petting zoo...alpaca dung.
We window-shopped and chatted as we walked down main street, enjoying some downtime together.
[Now: a bit of context for what is to follow:A few months back, I had a less-than-pleasant interaction with a local merchant. As we walked by and noticed very few customers in that merchant's shop compared to the hordes of people in others, I maturely remarked to my husband, "Good! That place is the worst and I hope it fails miserably." The second this bit of holiday cheer popped out of my mouth, I remembered we were enjoying a festive stroll! During the holidays! so I followed up the statement by singing, "fa la la la la la la la la."]
A few moments later, a gentleman promoting a new yoga studio inquired, "Would you like a free aura reading? I immediately replied, "Absolutely!" and with some prodding, my husband reluctantly agreed and we followed the gentleman into the new yoga studio.
We learned the aura is the energy field around the body. It represents a current state of mind, which means that agreeing to do this during the Trump administration was obviously a terrible idea.
Because I was excited to do this, I had my aura read first. I sat down and placed my hands on the reader which was attached to some kind of aura-reading app. (Ed. There really is an app for everything.) The way this works it a biofeedback unit measures electromagnetic energy from the acupressure points at the ends of your fingers. This measures aura and chakras as lines of energy (meridians) from your hands lead to all parts of your organs and body.
And in mere seconds, everything I fear about my being was displayed in vibrant color on a screen large enough for everyone in the studio to enjoy. Although we were hoping for a fairly equal balance among all the different chakras, the screen popped up bright red with a few spots of red-orange.
Depending on your read, this could mean many things. The more generous interpretations describe red auras as passionate, driven, social, and successful - someone who is full of energy and needs to find ways to unleash physical and emotional energy without hurting themselves or others. The less kind explanations indicate that a red aura is somewhat of a "red flag" as it means a focus on materialistic thoughts, stress, and a deep-seated anger.
When it was Canetto's turn I asked the reader, "Is there an aura that indicates a love of spreadsheets?" She replied, "That's exactly the type of sarcastic comment a 'red' would make." (Note: this didn't really happen. Out loud. I saw it in her eyes.)
Mr. Reluctant put his hands on the reader and guess what the results were? Pretty much the ideal balance (displayed in pie-chart format for maximum in-your-facedness) of blue, yellow, and green. Meaning: he is highly developed spiritually, intuitive, has a generous and giving spirit, is open to new possibilities, calm, easy-going, relaxed, playful, and optimistic. To recap: he is perfect. And to the surprise of absolutely nobody, my husband is completely balanced, and I am completely not.
Because he's also competitive (which by the way, seems pretty 'red' to me), my husband asked the aura reader, "So what you're saying is this is the best aura reading you've ever seen?" The woman played along and assured him that his was what most people strive for. She also tried to mollify me by focusing on the more positive interpretation of my reading...
...likely a survival technique she employs when dealing with those who have severe anger issues.
I wonder if the aura reader can also detect my tiny, black heart?