I know some people who distinctly remember their loss of innocence as the time when they found out that Santa Claus was not real, or when a beloved pet died, or when they learned that "no new taxes" means "I'm a liar, liar pants on fire." I remember my own loss of innocence like it was yesterday.
Because it was.
It happened when a lovely friend of mine shared some medical information over dinner at a nice little Thai place. (To her credit, she did ask before sharing if it was okay to discuss possibly gross topics while we ate. I said "sure" never imagining that with her words, she would instantly and fundamentally change who I was.)
You see, according to my friend, there is a medical procedure called a "stool transfer."
You read that right.
There is an actual procedure that takes "good" fecal matter (from a healthy colon) and inserts it into the colon of a patient who is not-so-healthy, and in the magical way that medical science works, the poop recipient lives happily ever after the end (heh). A bit of Internet research shows that not only is this true, but also that there are support groups for the people who undergo this procedure.
The worst part? (Other than realizing that there are people willing to show their faces at support groups and admit that they are walking receptacles for stranger poop) is that I can just picture the type of person who would offer to be a stool donor. I know that if I ever required donor stool (and honestly...if it ever comes to that...please just set me off on an ice floe...) I would hope that it would happen discreetly and that we would never speak of it again.
Much like when I went to see "Gigli" on opening weekend...
But not your stool donor. Oh, no! His name is Larry, he speaks in a monotone, and he wants to be more than just your stool donor...he wants to be your friend. He'd set up some kind of Oprah reunion show where he would get emotional explaining to O-girl how he feels a bond with you that he has never felt with anyone before. He will talk about how he got his stool (never "poop," you Philistine) to a donor grade and how he hopes to take the stigma away from this and make it more acceptable to talk about. He'll start a Facebook group and a blog called "Fecal Matters!," he'll try to recruit other stool donors and educate those not in the know. ...and of course, you'll be on his holiday card list.
Stool pusher, indeed.
UPDATE: HippestSnippets linked to my post today. You know, my poop post. I'm so proud.