Friday, December 28, 2007

She Must Know That The Parties Are Way Better

Just yesterday, when I was trying to get Avery dressed to go to nursery school, she whined loudly, "I don't want to go to school...I want to go to college."

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Swinger

I just want to see what kind of ads get generated from this post by blogspot.

Yeast infection

Retarded

Vatican

Sensitive, New-Age Guy

From A Special Guest Blogger:

It made me consider my own reaction if my son ended up being gay. I
think I'll just give him a bit of fatherly advice. And by that I mean
I'll urge him to be a pitcher.

Whoever heard of a catcher winning the big game? And by that I mean
not being on the recieving end of a prison handshake.

And of course during his graduation party I would get embarassingly
drunk and call him "Mr. Fancy Pants.".

But seriously, I'm cool with that. And by that, I mean it gives me the
creeps.

Nonetheless, I will be supportive. And by that, I mean laugh at him.

Totally Secure In His Masculinity

Yesterday, I went to pick Avery up from school...and when I got there, all the kids were sitting in a circle, having story time. They were just about to begin "Silly Sally", so I decided to plop down and listen in. Lexie sat down on my lap and started telling me all about her ponytails...Avery sat next to us and showed me an art project she had made that day, and then there was Jimmy. I adore Jimmy. I have a real "thing" for little girls, but every so often a little boy comes along who is so sweet and charming that he just steals my heart. I always say "Hi" and wave to Jimmy when he's there, so I said, "Hi Jimmy" and waved -- he waved back. And at that exact moment, I realized he was wearing a Snow White costume. So I said, "what a beautiful dress" and with a huge smile on his face, he said, "Thank you."

I'm Just Going To Have To Eat Her Up

Avery (seeing a woman wearing a Santa hat):

"Mommy -- she's wearing Christmas!"

Wow.

http://newsweek.washingtonpost.com/onfaith/guestvoices/2007/12/amy.html

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

At Holiday Time, You Should Remember That...

...nothing brings a family together like scat, and nothing tears a family apart quicker than a pack of wild dogs. -- Scott

Friday, December 14, 2007

No, Really...I'm Totally Smitten...

I'm having a fat day today. Don't feel very attractive...nothing that I tried on this morning looked good...one of those "blah" kinda days.

Then, Avery came into the room. My little Pants looked right at me and with her huge brown eyes wide open said, "Mommy...you look beautiful!" (And then a few minutes later came over to the sink when I was brushing my teeth and touched my butt and said, "you have a really cute butt.")

Yes, she's merely repeating things that I say to her about a million times a day. But you know what? It certainly turned my day around.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

I Am So In Love

Last night I missed out on my Avery time because I was busy getting drunk with the dilettantes. (See the latest entry on http://dilettanteclub.blogspot.com for details.)

This morning, Avery called out for me, so I went to get her and brought her back into our bed with me. She was half asleep, so I laid her down and kissed her and said, "I missed you so much last night, little peanut." She rolled over to face me and said, "I love you, mommy." Then she rolled back over to go to sleep. But one minute later, she rolled over again to face me and said brightly, "I'm a monkey!" with a huge smile on her face.

That said, she did roll over and go back to sleep. My sweet little monkey.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Why I'm A Member Of The Scott Fan Club

Our e-mail conversation this morning:

Me: I have to call the vet today to see if my cat needs to have her anal glands expressed. (She has been licking her butt almost non-stop and a friend who also has an older cat has suggested that this might be the case.) I am putting this off because I have no idea how to begin this conversation.

Scott: How does an anal gland express itself? Spoken word? Painting?Photography? Perhaps dance.

Getting A Little Cockey

He's coming to visit! December 19-28th.
Much hilarity is sure to ensue.
(Which makes up for the thousands of stories he tells us about the 20-year-olds he dates.)
Part of me is totally grossed out by this. The other part of me is impressed with his energy level.
Yet another part remembers when he converted to Mormonism for a woman he was dating and just laughs in his general direction.

Monday, December 10, 2007

My Life On The Dean's List

I was a straight-A student until I got to high school, at which point my grades went steadily downhill proportionate to the number of parties I started attending.

One semester, however, I was able to pull it out and actually got grades that were good enough to make the honor roll. This achievement was recognized by the school by listing all the students who qualifed on a sheet of paper and copying and distributing it to every student in the school.

I'll never forgot how my moment of pride quickly became one of utter embarrassment and I scanned the list for my name and saw it listed as:

Steenberg, Kathleen Virgin

Friday, December 07, 2007

Maybe I'll Get Lucky

Canetto and I are going for drinks at the Ritz. We're so civilized.

Love Muffin

Yesterday when I picked Avery up from school, her teacher came over and handed me a heart-shaped cornbread muffin. She said, "we made these today, and Avery said that she really wanted to take one home for her daddy."


Avery guarded that cornbread muffin carefully from the moment Jessica handed it to her. She insisted on holding it all the way home, and would not let me put it down on the counter when we got into the house. The muffin stayed with her while we waited for Canetto to come home. (The only time I put my foot down was when she tried to take it into the bathroom with her.)


Anyway, I let her sit in the sunroom and watch Emily Yeung while holding her muffin (not a euphemism -- get your minds out of the gutter) -- and then glanced back a minute later and all I saw was a bunch of crumbs and her chewing. Guess her willpower does know its limits.



Thursday, December 06, 2007

Blast From The Past

Last night I was at home with Canetto and Avery, doing family stuff (you know, singing Frosty the Snowman for the zillionth time while drinking copious amounts of pinot noir -- I'm pretty sure one results in the other).

At about 8:00pm, the phone rang -- it was my mom -- who was at the new McCormick & Schmick's in Virginia Beach at a reception. She said "Hi", then said, "I have someone here who wants to talk to you." A male voice got on the phone and said, "Do you know who this is?" -- Because I went to school in that area since second grade and still go there quite a bit to visit old friends, it could have been anyone. I recognized the voice immediately -- it was John.

I dated him right before I dated Tim -- we only dated for a couple of months, but were pretty serious during that time -- going to each other's holiday parties, meeting up halfway between NoVa and Virginia Beach to go out, etc. And I don't think I was very nice to him -- I think at one point I said to him that Tim was going to be my next boyfriend. (Sheesh...as I write that, it makes me cringe...getting older sure makes you a lot more conscious of people's feelings.) Anyway, we had a pretty long history -- dated a little in college, then re-connected one night in NoVa (he was visiting). I had just broken up with my previous boyfriend, so we started dating.

Up until a couple of years ago, I would still call and visit him when I was in town sometimes -- I'll always consider him a friend. Or, thought I would, until he got all bitter when I had a baby and could not even pretend to be happy for me. That was the last time I talked to him -- until my mom put him on the phone last night.

Some things are better left in the past. I'm learning that more and more.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

That Is 'Captain A Of The S.S. Hole' To You, Mister!

Scott was one of the early NetSec'ers -- a group of about five or six people who started the company in the founder's basement.

They spent hours and hours in that basement and used to come up with things to do to entertain themselves so they didn't go crazy, such as:

- fashioning a ball gag out of an orange skittle for the Bendy Wendy doll of the founder's daughter
- re-programming the audio on a Furby to play a continuous loop of messages that included, "kill your mommy", "AK-47", "Love your purse", and "HIV positive"

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

I'm Almost Up To "M" Now...

I have a book about the alphabet that was given to me by an aunt in 1974 (according to the inscription). That means I had just turned seven, and she thought this would be an appropriate book for me.

I read this to Avery all the time -- it is a very basic alphabet book that is just about right for her reading and comprehension level (she's two).

What is the statute of limitations on being offended?

Friday, November 30, 2007

Oh My God, We're Totally Like BFFs

I call Jimmy my "brother from another mother"
And I'm his "sister from another mister"

(did you just throw up a little in your mouth?)

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Makes My Bisexual Prom Date Seem Kinda Mainstream

My friend, Amy, just found out that her high school boyfriend and his current (third) wife are swingers.

Did they decide to get into that one night while wearing their leisure suits and sitting in their conversation pit?

Monday, November 26, 2007

I Love Christmas Time!

Tonight: Holiday Stroll down Church Street in Vienna
Tomorrow: Dilettante Activity -- cooking class with Roberto Donna
Friday: Art Show and Reception in Ashburn
Saturday: Avenue Q matinee at the National Theater with Hillary and Scott; then the Schirmer's Christmas Party in Arlington that night
Sunday: Holiday Sing-a-Long at Wolf Trap

Tis the Season To Mock Each Other Mercilessly

On Friday, Canetto and I went to Brasserie Beck for dinner with two of my JMU sorority sisters and their husbands.

And, of course, after a few Belgian beers and some college reminiscing, we started taunting each other about college boyfriends and guys we had all hooked up with. (Our husbands LOVE to hear all about it -- especially since only one of them went to school with us and has any frame of reference.)

Anyway, we mocked each other over the guys we thought were "all that" back then and also made a shocking discovery -- both Carrie and Kira had slept with the same guy at some point. To which I helpfully noted, "if there was a Venn diagram that represented your hookup histories, the subset in the middle would be Matt C."

Monday, November 19, 2007

Fishbowl Full O' Tears

This will be the name of the first country song I pen.
(And yes, it is a reference to swinging. Isn't everything?)
I am such an acquired taste.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Another Gem From Scott:

"If you had man-junk I'd call you a fag."
-------------------------------------------
I'm going to see his band perform on December 14th...somewhere in Chantilly/Centreville (one of those vague, redneck areas that begins with a "C") at one of those vague, redneck bars that begins with a "B" (Blue Water Grille/Backyard Grill/Bungalow Billiards)?

Monday, November 12, 2007

So? I'm Writing a Corporate Newsletter.

Today, from Cockey:
I'm filming an Eastwood movie with Angelina Jolie and John Malkovich. What's new with you?

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Getting Pampered

Best Halloween costume idea that NO ONE did (and I only thought of after the fact): Diaper-wearing astronaut. And it was so obvious. Damn.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

My Poor-Eater Friend

From Scott:

"If you looked old and ugly I wouldn't associate with you (unless you were super easy)."

(Regarding the Dilettante blog): "I like the "hep" pictures for the bio portion. I will reserve my un-friendlike comments that bubbled forth over the tacky prom pix other than to say that was absolutely smoking."

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Drawing A Blank

Halloween is still my very favorite holiday. I love dressing up and going out. Of course, back in the day, I used to incorporate handcuffs into every costume so that I could handcuff myself to cute guys at parties (a surprisinginly effective maneuver -- no wonder so many cops are swingers).

I used to pride myself on how clever and topical my costumes were, too. There were some great ones over the years.

This year? I got nothing. Nothing.

Maybe I'll just dress up like a drunk suburban mom. With handcuffs, of course.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Seeing Me Just How I Want Her To

I was drawing pictures for Avery this weekend. She said, "Draw daddy," so I drew daddy and said, "What should I draw daddy doing?" and she said, "riding his bike."

Then she said, "Draw mommy," so I was drawing myself and said, "What should I draw mommy doing?" and she said, "laughing."

Friday, October 19, 2007

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Ira

Avery and I are going to Virginia Beach this weekend. Canetto leaves tonight for Charlotte, and we had no plans for the weekend. Until Monday -- when Ira e-mailed and said that he was having a surprise party for his wife on Saturday and could we come? So, I'm going -- and letting my mom babysit my kid while I go to the party.

I have known Ira since the second grade (back in the Pembroke Meadows Elementary School days), although we didn't really become friends until high school. And we stayed pretty close through college (me at JMU...him at Tech). I remember one weekend when he and some of his fraternity brothers came to JMU to visit -- the RA for my dorm knocked on my door and said, "there are some guys urinating off the roof of the study lounge...do you know them?" and I almost knocked her over running down the hall screaming, "Ira's here!"

Another weekend, he and his frat brothers came with me to a party at my then-boyfriend's house off-campus. A bunch of people in a neighboring house who were part of the Catholic Campus Ministry were apparently upset by the amount of beer we were drinking and said to us, "we don't need beer to have fun...we're Christians" to which Ira replied, "We don't need God to have fun...we're alcoholics."

I shared a mailbox at JMU with another student (that I didn't know), so Ira made a point of sending letters that had things like "YOUR CONFIDENTIAL PREGNANCY TEST RESULTS ENCLOSED" and other hilarious messages scrawled on the envelopes. I have saved all of them.

We don't see each other often -- but are usually there for the big stuff -- weddings, anniversary parties, graduation parties and of course -- the famous (infamous?) Buffet Day party at Tech.

Good Times.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Free Is Good Redux

Positive reinforcement must work. I've been telling Canetto how excited I am about the Bald Head Island vacation in November and guess what? He now comes up with another work trip in December -- this time to Disneyworld.

Please understand -- having a child has made me a complete and utter hypocrite. I hate all things Disney, and the gross racist, misogynistic, mass-marketing, homogenized "fun" they represent. (The only time I have ever been to Disneyworld was four years ago -- my friend, Meredith, had to re-schedule her Malibu wedding to Florida because both of her parents (who live in Orlando) got ill at the same time and could not travel. So, we stayed at Disney and spent a day at Epcot Center. I think the reason for my feelings about Disney are best summed up by revealing the name of the restaurant in our hotel -- Tubby's Buffeteria. Or as one of Meredith's comedian friends liked to call it, "fatty fat's fatty fat". )

Now, as the mom of an almost-two-year-old, I can only think about how freaking excited she would be to take a trip there.

So, in mid-December, we're packing up and heading South for a few days.

I knew that being a parent would mean making sacrifices and would fundamentally change who I am.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Sweet Jesus, Regina

The dog's got my mother's teeth.

My Personal Trainer Is TOUGH

My kid is on a jumping jacks kick -- loves to see me do jumping jacks. (Well, so does her father...but she prefers I do them clothed. Snarf!)

Last night, I did 10 jumping jacks for her amusement. She loved it -- and requested 10 more. So, I did those. Then, I picked up my beer that I had placed on the mantle and took a sip. And little miss Bossy Pants said, "Mommy! Put the beer down and do some more jumping jacks!"

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Who Needs Enemies?

I was complaining to my friend about someone who is giving me a hard time.

As someone who has always had my back he said,
"Do you want me to fix this person's brakes?"

I said, "No. I prefer the psychological cruelty approach...it's more subtle."

It is at the same time comforting and terrifying to know that:
a) he probably knows how to do this, and
b) he probably was not kidding.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Ten Things I Could Not Say With A Straight Face

1) quit harshing my mellow
2) drop it like it's hot
3) that's pimp
4) do me a solid
5) my bad
6) scootin' on the doobage scooter
7) oh no you di-int
8) cool beans
9) this is my lover
10) no, thanks, one beer is my limit

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Halloween...It's Not Just For The 31st Anymore

How we celebrate:

October 20th -- Neighborhood Halloween parade and party
(they get a keg -- it rocks)
October 24th -- Vienna Halloween parade
(Avery can be in it this year -- that rocks)
October 26th -- Boo at the Zoo at the National Zoo
(with the Bermans -- they rock)
October 27th -- Halloween party at Krennie's tennis club in
Virginia Beach (I'll have a drink on the rocks)
October 31st -- Trick or Treating

Avery is going as a mime this year.

Catatonic Orphan

A great name for a band
-- OR --
what my daughter looks like in every posed picture?

Monday, October 01, 2007

Free Is Good

Because Canetto is a big muckety-muck at his company, his boss (a HUGE muckety-muck) not only invites him to golf all the time (which Canetto claims is "work" - hah!), but has also just given us his house on Bald Head Island for a week in November. I love being near the water in the off-season -- I think growing up in a beach town made me appreciate the times without tourists the most.

I'm not too familiar with this area, though I know it has lots of nature preserves and you have to take a ferry to the island and can only get around via golf cart or bicycle once you're there. http://www.baldheadisland.com/

Also, the house is absolutely gorgeous. I see a lot of golf for Canetto; and a lot of biking, reading and drinking bloody marys for me. Avery -- well, I guess she's just on her own. (snarf!)

Again -- getting to live like we're rich without actually BEING rich. It really is all who you know.

(And, P.S., not that I'm keeping score -- but it's ABOUT TIME that Canetto ponied up with a free vacation for us, considering all of the free vacations that my jobs have provided us over the years: Chicago; New York City; Atlanta; Coeur d'Alene, Idaho; Hawaii; Myrtle Beach, SC; New Orleans; Jamaica; Young Island; Ireland; Austin and San Antonio, TX; and the Hyatt Resort in Chesapeake Beach, MD. And, as I recall, there was some pretty awesome golfing in Ireland and Coeur d'Alene. Damn. I'm the best wife, ever.)

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Boys Are Dumb.

And I love them anyway.

I'm Kinda Getting Into This Whole Running Thing

Another great run today -- the nice weather helps.
We did six miles without stopping -- at about a 10 minute pace.
Not bad, considering our training has been pretty inconsistent
up to this point -- and we still have 5 1/2 months til the half marathon.

I felt fantastic throughout the whole run. I think carbo-loading with
three beers last night was the key.

I cannot believe I'm saying this, but I'm starting to really enjoy
running.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Well, It's True

Great ad slogan:

EVERY WOMAN ENJOYS A HOT DICKENS CIDER

He Keeps Me Humble


Me: You have to come to Oktoberfest some year. It was hilarious. See how great I looked? (Sweet Jesus, I’m turning into you)

Petro: You have beautiful hardwood.

Me: I hate you.

Petro: Just kidding you look hot

Friday, September 21, 2007

Back to NoLa

I'm headed back to New Orleans -- my fourth or fifth trip in the past few months.
A quickie -- Thursday to Saturday next week.
Back just in time for a wedding Saturday night and a birthday party on Sunday.
September is flying by.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

A Very Good Week

Tomorrow night: Dilettante Club
Thursday night: Kathy Griffin at the Kennedy Center
Friday: Day off work to get ready for Oktoberfest
Saturday: Run with Amanda -- OKTOBERFEST!
Sunday: Brunch with friends to celebrate Avery's birthday

Last night: Call from two JMU sorority sisters to see if I wanted to spend New Year's with them and another friend in Las Vegas. (It's all about the tickle fights.)

For being an old broad with a kid...I do some pretty fun stuff.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Not-So-Instant Karma's Gonna Get You

In my junior year of college, I spent a semester abroad in London. While we were over there, I met and fell in love with Tim (another JMU student who was part of our group). The catch? When we met, he was already dating a woman named Carolyn that he had been dating for a couple of years -- she was a few years older than us and had already graduated from college.

Tim and I dated while we were in London, but he was hesitant to commit to me and to break up with this woman until he could do it in person, when we were back in the states. So...it was a fun semester, but also tough because I wasn't sure he would break up with her when we got back home and I was SERIOUSLY.IN.LOVE.

He did break up with her a couple of weeks after we got back to the states, and Tim and I went on to date for six years (you read that right...SIX YEARS). We parted ways amicably and are both now happily married to others (in my case, another guy named Tim who is also 6'4", Catholic, and has dark brown hair and eyes (guess I have a "type").

Earlier this year, I found out that a mutual friend we socialize with pretty frequently is best friends with "Carolyn" -- I found this out when I was complaining about how hard it is to google ex-boyfriends when they have names like "Tim Baker" and "Rob Grant" (curse you ex-boyfriends with common names). This mutal friend said, "Tim Baker? The one who went to JMU?" and we discovered the connection.

Today, I went to this person's baby shower, and Carolyn had flown in from Texas to help celebrate. Comfortable.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Maybe My Foot Is My Oral Fixation

There's a notoriously creepy guy where I work. He has succeeded in making every single woman who works here uncomfortable with his too-long-and-inappropriate stares, with his hovering and with his general lecherousness. Complain, you say? Well, then his stepfather-who-holds-a-very-important-position-here might get a little upset.

Anyway, he's harmless...everyone just learns to avoid him after their first week of work.

This afternoon, I was sitting outside with my friend, Terri, to discuss some work issues. I had just brushed my teeth and was holding my toothbrush and toothpaste.

This character just happened to be coming back from lunch and passed us on his way inside the building, saying, "Hey -- this area is for smokers -- not for toothbrushes" and I replied, "guess I just have a different type of oral fixation."

As the words were coming out of my mouth, I regretted them. If there was ever a person on the face of the earth that you do not want to say "oral fixation" to -- it's this guy.

And besides, the number one thing I always tell people about communication? KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Good Thing I Don't Breast Feed

From my tired 23-month old:
"I'm yawning, mommy. I need coffee."

Praise the Lord

Tim was asking what time he should be over at his parents house today to help with their move, and said to his (very Catholic) mom, "are you going to church tomorrow?" so that he could figure out what time to be at their house. His mother snapped back (apparently feeling guilty that she's missing church as she goes to mass about five times a week), "No. Are YOU?"

Tim said, "yes. I always do" (even though he hasn't been -- not even on Christmas and Easter -- in several years). And I said, "You go to church?" with mock surprise and he said, "Of course...every Sunday" and I said, "Wow. I was hoping you were just having an affair."

Friday, September 07, 2007

Not To Be Confused With A Sloppy Joe

According to Urban Dictionary, a Sloppy Carl is:

when you diarrehea in a tube sock and slap someone in the face with it.

Aside from the (very) obvious hilarity of this, let's further examine why this definition is so funny:

1) diarrehea is misspelled AND used as a verb. Nice touch.
2) it specifies tube sock as the receptacle in which to "diarrehea" -- NOT a dress sock, and god forbid...not argyle. And don't even get me started on the inadequacy of the anklet.
3) slap someone in the FACE with it -- very specific. And agreed...much funnier than just "slapping" someone with it in any general spot on the anatomy.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Vanity, Thy Name Is Petro

After e-mailing me a photo of his 2-year old twin boys swinging on a playground, with him in the background pushing their swings, I wrote, "your boys are absolutely adorable."

And he wrote back, "what about their dad?"

Some things never change.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

No Such Thing As A Free Lunch

Sunday night we went to the Liberty Tavern in Clarendon with our friends Rich and Michelle. Rich is our age and has been dating Michelle (who is 10 or 12 years younger) for a couple of years now.

She was talking about when she first moved to the DC area from Philly and how she had found some interesting room rental options on Craigslist. She mentioned one that listed a room in a house that was free of charge to young women. Being young and innocent, she called the guy who had posted this offer and discovered it was an older guy who would provide a free room in exchange for sex.

Tim asked, "Wow. What happened?"

And she replied (with perfect comic timing, and while reaching over and patting Rich's hand), "I'm still with him"

He better marry this woman.

Friday, August 31, 2007

I'm Flattered?

I just went to 7-Eleven for my huge midday coffee.
While I was fixing my coffee, a gentleman looked at my feet and said, "Girl -- those are some pretty toes you got on you."

Day Care is Hilarious

http://reportsfromdaycare.blogspot.com/

A blog I almost forgot about -- actual reports that Avery got from the teacher at her first day care.

Consequences Of My Actions


Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Must Be God's Will

There's a guy I dated my freshman year of college that I have always sorta carried a torch for.

I dated him for a few weeks my very first month of college -- then we saw each other once or twice a year throughout the rest of my college days. He was a year older, good-looking, funny, smart and just seemed so grown up. Smitten, I was. Especially after a romantic camping trip with his suitemates and their dates where neither of us remembered to pack a sleeping bag or blankets. Oops.

The last time I saw him was at homecoming nine years ago -- I know that, because I had just gotten engaged. We sort of randomly ran into each other and talked for about half an hour and that old feeling was there again. (You know the one -- where you don't date someone long enough to know about all their annoying habits or even to understand that they're human -- he existed in my memory as the perfect guy.) We had so much fun catching up and talking about old times.

I saw the Class Notes in my alumni magazine recently that mentioned he's a professor at JMU now, after getting his Master's and Ph.D. from UVA. Impressive, sure. Not so impressive? When I visited his faculty web site (had to see a recent picture, puh-leeze) I noticed that he lists his hobbies as "distance running, reading and bible study."

Bible study? Really? It's like I never knew him at all. >sigh<

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Cockey

Cockey gets his own post because he's, well...Cockey. This is him visiting over Christmas. He never announces a visit -- just shows up. So this is me wearing sunglasses with my hair pulled back in a ponytail -- hiding the fact that I have not showered or put on makeup because I was not expecting him. Cockey and I met when we worked together for a network security company. His boss was a pompous ass who totally dug me. My boss was a homosexual who (I mistakenly thought) totally dug me. (Note to chicks: when a guy mentions that he likes your shoes or notes what you're wearing every day, it may not be because he digs you -- especially if he has a tiny dog named "Poopies").

Where was I? Ah, yes...Cockey sat near me in the office and decided that we would be friends after he saw an e-mail my mother sent me that included a video clip of a woman with enormous boobs running topless down a beach. You have to know my mom. Cockey decided that he had to know me. Thus, a friendship was born.

Cockey was married to a cool woman named Amanda at the time. They were such a good couple that when he told me they were divorcing a couple of years (and one move to Boston) later, I thought he was kidding me. Wasn't kidding. Also wasn't kidding about his subsequent move to LA to try and make it in the movie business.

One year out in Hell-ay and Cockey did a bunch of extra work, and also landed a speaking/recurring role on a (now-cancelled) TV show called Threshold. (He's on IMDB.com -- Jeff Cockey -- he looks hot in his pictures, but he's a goon.) He's doing okay -- supporting himself with acting. And some writing. And probably some male prostitution...but we're not here to judge.

Every year when we make our pilgrimage to LA, we see him, go to the Vanity Fair party (which he snuck into one year -- greatest acting job of his life), and go out in West Hollywood -- to places like Chi and the Forty Deuce (or is it now Hyde and Les Deux?)

I've already told him that when he hits it really big, I want to be his publicist. I can't wait for all the trouble he will likely get into, when I get to claim he's simply "exhausted."

Monday, August 27, 2007

Merry Go Round

From the trip to Bethany last week.
I'll miss this age. (Hers, not mine.)


This was at "Funland", which is an egregious misnomer based on the number of kids either crying or being yelled at while they were there.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Runner's High

This morning at 7:30am EST, Amanda and I went for a 6-mile run. This may be the first time in SIX YEARS OF RUNNING that I think I actually got the runner's high from the endorphins. Or maybe it was the pot.

Friday, August 24, 2007

You Can Quote Me on That

I have a quote board in my kitchen. A place where I can write funny lines from comedians, politicians, movies, TV shows, etc. Just a place where I can document something amusing and then chuckle to myself as I read it over the next couple of days.

Recently, I saw Borat on a rerun of Saturday Night Live. Knowing my friend, Amy, would be stopping by in the next few days, I decided to quote him -- one of the best quotes from his movie that I knew would make Amy wet her Spanx -- "their vagines hang loose...like the sleeves of wizards."

Of course, in all the hilarity, I forgot that my in-laws were babysitting tonight -- and that my father-in-law always reads the quote board when he comes into the house.

How does one gracefully apologize for the "loose vagines" reference?

Friday, August 17, 2007

One of the reasons I love my job

I sit next to two guys at work that I adore.

Why?

One was on the phone today trying to track down new eyes for his girlfriend's teddy bear -- she's had it since she was two and their dog recently ate the teddy bear's eyes.

The other stopped by my desk yesterday to tell me that he had overslept that morning and was so tired when he woke up that he put his underpants on backwards. He didn't realize it for a few minutes -- until he discovered something "just didn't feel right."

At least she'll be the best communicator in her remedial classes

This morning, Avery's teacher (Jami) told me that she did Avery's evaluation this week and that she is speaking at a pre-school level. She said that Avery speaks in complex sentences and is very far ahead of the other kids in her class. Jami said that when Avery wants more milk, she'll say, "I need more milk, please, Jami" whereas the other kids her age will just say, "more."

Clearly a genius, right?

Along these same lines, I could not find Avery's doll's underpants at home...and when I dropped her off this morning, I saw them in her school cubby. Jami said, "Um...she was trying to put those on the other day"

Good thing there's no evaluation for that.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Poseurs

We're headed to Bethany Beach on Sunday for a few days with our friends who own a beach house there. They're the same friends who belong to the Army Navy Country Club, so we go there with them sometimes, too.

This means that we get to live like we're rich without actually being rich -- one of the many ways that we're exactly like Kato Kaelin.

(Note to self: remember to put everything on the Underhill tab)

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

The Naked Truth

I had Avery with me in my bedroom one day while I was taking a shower -- it was a while ago, because I remember that she had just started talking.

Anyway, I stepped out of the shower and was drying off in the bedroom. She stopped what she was doing and looked me up and down for a solid minute and then voiced her assessment of my naked body: a concerned, "Oh, No!"

I know I probably shouldn't dwell too much on a one-year old's assessment, but I'd be lying if I said that this didn't influence the consultation I just scheduled at the plastic surgeon's office.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Vita Brevis


Best baby gift, ever, from my
friend, Jimmy Koons.

I love creative people.




The artist and his wife, Cathy.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Learning more than I think

Over the July 4th holiday, we had a cookout and had some friends over. I was drinking a Dogfish Head beer and talking to a group of people.

Avery walked by and I said to the group, "Avery is learning all about the ocean at school" then pointed to the fish logo on my bottle and said "Avery, what is this?"
To which she immediately replied, "beer"




Thursday, August 09, 2007

Can You Believe There Has Never Been A Horror Movie About This?

Every year, we buy some ridiculous toys for Oktoberfest from Stupid.com -- they are windup, hopping lederhosen. Just the lederhosen -- no small, plastic person INSIDE the ledershoen...just lederhosen. And they hop. I'm sure there were no controlled substances involved in the conception of that toy.

This year, I found the Cadillac of windup, hopping lederhosen -- remote-controlled yodeling lederhosen. These are much larger and the remote control is shaped like a bratwurst. You press the button on the plastic bratwurst, and these plastic lederhosen hop around in a circle and yodel.

Avery is so scared of these yodeling plastic lederhosen that she will grab my leg and not let go and say "lederhosen" in this whiny little voice with a sad face and a lip quiver. Of course, we are torn between not wanting to traumatize her, and the sheer comic value this provides (which do you think usually wins out?).

The other night she was being naughty and Tim said to her, "Am I going to have to go get the lederhosen?" and she said, "NO LEDERHOSEN" and ran into the corner of the room and hid behind a chair.

Fast forward 20 years:
(Avery's psychiatrist, with concern): "So, Avery, tell me...when did this unnatural fear of German leather pants begin?"