Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Jack The Stripper

My mom is getting married in October. She found a guy who has many qualities she admires: intelligence, honesty, a sense of humor...and most importantly (as her romantic history indicates) a compulsion to take his clothes off in public.

Last fall, she and Jack went to an afternoon party and they each had approximately seventeen pomegranate margaritas. After making their way back to Jack's house at the beach (walking distance...fortunately), they sat in the Adirondack chairs out front (and set back from the road) to enjoy the sunset. Jack went into the house to get a couple of (necessary) glasses of wine for them and (inexplicably) came back out totally naked. My mom claims she had a non-reaction to this development -- she simply accepted it and began drinking her wine as Jack sat back down in his chair. (I'm hoping against hope in the name of the sweet baby Jesus and all that is right and holy guessing that this had something to do with the seventeen pomegranate margaritas.)

As it grew darker, a car pulled up at the curb in front of the house. It was the young kid who rents an apartment from Jack (the apartment is on the lot next to Jack's house). Because he is friendly with Jack and my mom, he started walking up the sidewalk to say hello. And as he got closer and his eyes began to focus in the dusky light, the expression on his face showed that he was beginning to register what he was walking toward. Jack knew that if he got up to go inside it would only make things worse...so he simply lowered his glass of wine to cover up as much as he could, while the kid stammered something about needing to get to his apartment and fled next door (likely to begin downing seventeen pomegranate margaritas himself).

For Christmas a couple of months later, I gave Jack a very practical gift: a bottle of pinot noir (purposely not a much more transparent chardonnay or chablis) and a large wine glass with a pair of boxer shorts constructed out of cardboard affixed to the stem. Therefore, if he ever found himself in that (highly probable, let's be honest) situation again he could simply lower the glass with the underpants attached, cover his stuff and fool passersby into thinking he was dressed, while still enjoying all the benefits of front yard nudity. (I should really look into a patent.)

A few days after Christmas, I was checking e-mail when I opened one from my mom. It had an attachment. A photo of Jack putting the boxer shorts wine glass to use.

I suppose the upside is that he doesn't have to rent a tux for the wedding...

10 comments:

Jason said...

I can't decide if I'm proud of you for not making a play on your future step-Dad's first name. The opportunities certainly did stand up and present themselves. Resisting must have been hard, driven you nuts.

Oh, well. Ball's in the court of the commentators now.

Brutalism said...

Jason - Here's a tip: I did not deliberately give that joke the shaft, it's just that the post was erected in a different direction.

Ri. Short for Maria. Not pronounced like the bread. said...

Well, I dunno, Brutalism...seems to me that Jason has a fairly solid idea, here. Maybe next time you post about your FSD, you could consider it. At least run one up the flagpole, and see what comes of it...

ZenMom said...

Well not go off half-cocked, here, but I think you shouldn't give Jack such a hard time. C'mon, lay off the guy, wouldja? Maybe you just need to hang out with him, get to know him deep down. I mean, he sounds like a stand up guy and a real straight shooter. :D

Brutalism said...

Maybe we should have a staff meeting to discuss? Perhaps in a woody area?

Dilettard07 said...

I've never before read such junk online. Perverts every one of yas.

Jason said...

K, your firm commitment to being an upright citizen and not plodding head-long into stiff crudeness reveals your talent with the oral word. You are, indeed, a cunning linguist.

And I must say I'm juiced to see that my deposit spawned such a thick load of residual comments.

ZenMom said...

K, I don't mean to arouse your concern, but I do believe that Jason fellow may have cracked a pun at the expense of a member of your family. I hope you're not going to take that lying down.

Tsk. I guess some people need to bone up on their etiquette.

Well, this is quite a pickle. I'm going to have to think long and hard before coming back here again.

Brutalism said...

ZenMom - Jason's comments did leave me a bit prickly...sometimes he does think he's the cock of the walk, doesn't he?

Jason, I consider Jack to be a family jewel, so why don't you just stuff a sock in it?

The Green, The Bad and The Ugly said...

Hmmm. I seem to remember a naked tap dancer and a newspaper. "Nice dear"