Monday, August 31, 2009

Underpanted Should Totally Be A Word

Canetto wears a very specific kind of underpants. Mr. High Maintenance's brand of choice is nearly impossible to find in stores, and only after an exhaustive Internet search was I able to locate a site to buy them -- called -- get this -- FreshPair.com.

Because he just recently cleaned out his drawers and threw away a bunch of worn out underwear, he asked me to order him about 30 new pairs of underpants. (Younger women: I am speaking to you from your future -- this is what the carefree and fulfilling life of a 10-years-married woman entails.) Off I went to FreshPair.com and placed the order for the 30 pairs of boxer briefs.

First one month passed. Then, another week. That's when my campaign to locate the underpants-in-limbo* began. (*Unrelated aside: When I was in AP Art History in high school with my sister and our friend, Darren, we studied a painting titled "Christ in Limbo" that depicted Christ in between heaven and hell. To amuse us during a rather lengthy lecture one day, my sister drew a line over Christ's head and retitled the painting, "Christ DOING the Limbo". Heathens...all of us.)

I wrote a politely-worded letter to FreshPair that asked simply,

"Can you please tell me the status of my order?"

which received an automated reply with generic information telling me that a customer service agent would be in touch with me soon regarding my order.

No one got in touch with me. So, after another week, I sent another note, this one worded a little more strongly, asking,

"For the love of God....where are my underpants?!"

Again, an automated reply. But this one was followed up with a "personal" note from a customer service representative that did not provide one more bit of information, but gave me some encouragement that there was actually a human being on the other end of the e-mail address.

Another week passed, and I decided this called for some serious action, so I wrote another e-mail that went something like this:

"I've seen London, I've seen France, what I haven't seen are my underpants. Where the heck are the underpants that I ordered?"

And again, I received the most generic note from the customer service representative, with no indication that they had read or appreciated my psychotic ramblings directed at an automated response mechanism amazing wit.

Days later, as I was preparing to send a photo of my husband naked from the waist down to emphasize just how desperately we needed these underpants, we finally received a package of underpants in the mail from FreshPair.com.

Now with a happily underpanted husband,
Brutalism

29 comments:

Marilyn said...

I checked out that pornographic website! I don't think a naked picture of Tim would shock them in any way!

ZenMom said...

*sigh* I just love a happy undie ... I mean, ending. :)

YinMetYang said...

Although I appreciate your writing and the vivid images that your story leaves me with, I feel that the block party will be slightly awkward this year.

Brutalism said...

Fair point, Marilyn -- it would have probably been just as effective as all of my e-mailing efforts (read: not at all). ZenMom - They're just lucky I didn't have to go all "Dooce" on them. (ha!) YMY - Hey! At least you know we WEAR underpants...which is good information to have about your neighbors. (I crossed a line, didn't I?)

Dilettard07 said...

Had you sent a naked picture of Tim I suspect they would have photoshopped some really wacky underpants, maybe even Underoos, onto him and used him as a model--and not paid him.

Brutalism said...

Tard - Um...Underoos are the brand of underpants that I ordered for Tim. Why must you mock?

Marilyn said...

If you had sent the picture they may have printed it in their catalog. It is interesting that they call womens underwear "panties", but not mens.

Brutalism said...

Marilyn - I propose we coin a new term for men's underpants -- manties. Who's with me on this?

YinMetYang said...

I would never accuse you of crossing a line; however, the more I read your blog, the more I am convinced you and Tim really are swingers, and the more I find myself (a) offended at not being propositioned, and (b) relieved at not being propositioned

Brutalism said...

YMY -- If we were, we'd move to Ashburn. You know what they say about Ashburn...(and cops and teachers...) -- swingers...all of them.

YinMetYang said...

I did not know that about cops, teachers or Ashburn. I will keep a close eye on things at "Meet Your Teacher Day" Thursday....

Marilyn said...

I think manties is it!

dilettante07 said...

I think we should head over to Georgetown and manty raid Sig Ep. I bet that would really get their manties in a twist, those manty-waists.

Ri, the Music Savvy Mom said...

I vote we change Canetto's nickname from "Captain Spreadsheet" to "Captain Underpants". (I considered "Captain Manties", but it just doesn't carry the same weight.)

And, a question. Thirty pair? I'm guessing you follow a strict "laundry once a month, whether we need it or not" schedule...

Finally - am I truly so brain dead that I don't remember that we were in the same AP Art History class? Mrs. Flegal? I took it Senior year, while I don't remember much to-do about "Christ in Limbo", I pride myself in having found a way to work the reminiscence of the Ishtar Gate into every paper I wrote that year. *sigh* Good times!

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

That's ridiculous, were they growing the freaking cotton and elastic waistbands??? Maybe you should consider putting the photos up on your blog since you didn't send them into them...

Brutalism said...

Tante: Manty-raid! Manty-raid!

Ri: I wish 30 pair was a month's supply for Captain Manty-tastic. I took Art History with Flegal junior year, so we weren't in the same class. She was the best teacher, ever.

FGIS: That's what I need -- a site called "Brutalism" and bottomless pics of guys. It would be a whole new (and likely, much larger) audience for me.

JenBC said...

Hilarious. So why don't you go all Oprah on us and let us know what brand and style you've stocked? Would it really be so bad for their sales to go through the roof as Brutalites raced to place their orders? Why do you hate economic stimulus?

Brutalism said...

JenBC - As much as I do hate economic stimulus (almost as much as I hate freedom!), I'll share with you: Chereskin. Tim is a Chereskin man. (Note: I will likely get another version of the "sharing too much with the Internet" lecture when I get home tonight.) The sacrifices I make for you people...

JenBC said...

Thanks for info! And the sacrifice. I know we have to draw the the line somewhere, but I'm thinking it should fall after you launch the Captain Underpants action figure and other merchandising.

Straight Guy said...

I'm with you on the outrage. If a man actually admits to needing fresh, clean underwear, then he needs them IMMEDIATELY.

But 30 pairs? Are they disposable like contact lenses now?

Great blog, buy the way.

Straight Guy said...

by the way...

Jason said...

Underpants by mail? Outrage. What's next Victoria's Secret delivery? (Hi ZM!) You girls realize that if that catches on it'll eliminate 90% of the reason we guys go to the mall with you: namely the remote chance to have a legitimate reason to go into a VS store. You're playing with fire here.

-J

PS: Dang and here I was hoping I wasn't the only one still wearing Underoos.

Crap.

(but not in my underoos.)

Brutalism said...

Jason - We've come full circle here. I'm confident you were wearing underoos (registered trademark) when I first met (and began babysitting) you and now you're in underoos again.

Straight Guy - I have no idea why he needs so many pairs. And I don't ask. Ignorance is bliss.

ZenMom said...

Jason: :P

Come to think of it ... my old Star Wars underoos (shut up, don't judge) were not that different from the boy shorts I just ordered from Victoria's Secret. Only, you know, more super-hero-y.

*Off to figure out from whence to mail-order adult-sized underoos*

Brutalism said...

ZM: If Victoria's Secret was smart (thus far, they seem to have sucked at marketing) (ha), they'd appeal to the child in all of us with a new line of underwear. With new tagline: Our sexy boy shorts -- now more super hero-y. (It's perfect...well done!)

Organic Meatbag said...

Commando ain't so bad!!

Meredith Forbes said...

The only thing that comes to mind is bacon strips. Enough said!

Jeff said...

People actually wear underpants?

Brutalism said...

Why Organic Meatbag and Cockey -- you non-underpanted SOBs --