She Must Know That The Parties Are Way Better

Just yesterday, when I was trying to get Avery dressed to go to nursery school, she whined loudly, "I don't want to go to school...I want to go to college."

Swinger

I just want to see what kind of ads get generated from this post by blogspot.

Yeast infection

Retarded

Vatican

Sensitive, New-Age Guy

From A Special Guest Blogger:

It made me consider my own reaction if my son ended up being gay. I
think I'll just give him a bit of fatherly advice. And by that I mean
I'll urge him to be a pitcher.

Whoever heard of a catcher winning the big game? And by that I mean
not being on the recieving end of a prison handshake.

And of course during his graduation party I would get embarassingly
drunk and call him "Mr. Fancy Pants.".

But seriously, I'm cool with that. And by that, I mean it gives me the
creeps.

Nonetheless, I will be supportive. And by that, I mean laugh at him.

Totally Secure In His Masculinity

Yesterday, I went to pick Avery up from school...and when I got there, all the kids were sitting in a circle, having story time. They were just about to begin "Silly Sally", so I decided to plop down and listen in. Lexie sat down on my lap and started telling me all about her ponytails...Avery sat next to us and showed me an art project she had made that day, and then there was Jimmy. I adore Jimmy. I have a real "thing" for little girls, but every so often a little boy comes along who is so sweet and charming that he just steals my heart. I always say "Hi" and wave to Jimmy when he's there, so I said, "Hi Jimmy" and waved -- he waved back. And at that exact moment, I realized he was wearing a Snow White costume. So I said, "what a beautiful dress" and with a huge smile on his face, he said, "Thank you."

I'm Just Going To Have To Eat Her Up

Avery (seeing a woman wearing a Santa hat):

"Mommy -- she's wearing Christmas!"

Wow.

http://newsweek.washingtonpost.com/onfaith/guestvoices/2007/12/amy.html

At Holiday Time, You Should Remember That...

...nothing brings a family together like scat, and nothing tears a family apart quicker than a pack of wild dogs. -- Scott

No, Really...I'm Totally Smitten...

I'm having a fat day today. Don't feel very attractive...nothing that I tried on this morning looked good...one of those "blah" kinda days.

Then, Avery came into the room. My little Pants looked right at me and with her huge brown eyes wide open said, "Mommy...you look beautiful!" (And then a few minutes later came over to the sink when I was brushing my teeth and touched my butt and said, "you have a really cute butt.")

Yes, she's merely repeating things that I say to her about a million times a day. But you know what? It certainly turned my day around.

I Am So In Love

Last night I missed out on my Avery time because I was busy getting drunk with the dilettantes. (See the latest entry on http://dilettanteclub.blogspot.com for details.)

This morning, Avery called out for me, so I went to get her and brought her back into our bed with me. She was half asleep, so I laid her down and kissed her and said, "I missed you so much last night, little peanut." She rolled over to face me and said, "I love you, mommy." Then she rolled back over to go to sleep. But one minute later, she rolled over again to face me and said brightly, "I'm a monkey!" with a huge smile on her face.

That said, she did roll over and go back to sleep. My sweet little monkey.

Um, I Think It's Six GEESE A-Laying

GG Allin's Xmas song really is what the season is all about.

Why I'm A Member Of The Scott Fan Club

Our e-mail conversation this morning:

Me: I have to call the vet today to see if my cat needs to have her anal glands expressed. (She has been licking her butt almost non-stop and a friend who also has an older cat has suggested that this might be the case.) I am putting this off because I have no idea how to begin this conversation.

Scott: How does an anal gland express itself? Spoken word? Painting?Photography? Perhaps dance.

Getting A Little Cockey

He's coming to visit! December 19-28th.
Much hilarity is sure to ensue.
(Which makes up for the thousands of stories he tells us about the 20-year-olds he dates.)
Part of me is totally grossed out by this. The other part of me is impressed with his energy level.
Yet another part remembers when he converted to Mormonism for a woman he was dating and just laughs in his general direction.

My Life On The Dean's List

I was a straight-A student until I got to high school, at which point my grades went steadily downhill proportionate to the number of parties I started attending.

One semester, however, I was able to pull it out and actually got grades that were good enough to make the honor roll. This achievement was recognized by the school by listing all the students who qualifed on a sheet of paper and copying and distributing it to every student in the school.

I'll never forgot how my moment of pride quickly became one of utter embarrassment and I scanned the list for my name and saw it listed as:

Steenberg, Kathleen Virgin

Maybe I'll Get Lucky

Canetto and I are going for drinks at the Ritz. We're so civilized.

Love Muffin

Yesterday when I picked Avery up from school, her teacher came over and handed me a heart-shaped cornbread muffin. She said, "we made these today, and Avery said that she really wanted to take one home for her daddy."

Avery guarded that cornbread muffin carefully from the moment Jessica handed it to her. She insisted on holding it all the way home, and would not let me put it down on the counter when we got into the house. The muffin stayed with her while we waited for Canetto to come home. (The only time I put my foot down was when she tried to take it into the bathroom with her.)

Anyway, I let her sit in the sunroom and watch Emily Yeung while holding her muffin (not a euphemism -- get your minds out of the gutter) -- and then glanced back a minute later and all I saw was a bunch of crumbs and her chewing. Guess her willpower does know its limits.

Blast From The Past

Last night I was at home with Canetto and Avery, doing family stuff (you know, singing Frosty the Snowman for the zillionth time while drinking copious amounts of pinot noir -- I'm pretty sure one results in the other).

At about 8:00pm, the phone rang -- it was my mom -- who was at the new McCormick & Schmick's in Virginia Beach at a reception. She said "Hi", then said, "I have someone here who wants to talk to you." A male voice got on the phone and said, "Do you know who this is?" -- Because I went to school in that area since second grade and still go there quite a bit to visit old friends, it could have been anyone. I recognized the voice immediately -- it was John.

I dated him right before I dated Tim -- we only dated for a couple of months, but were pretty serious during that time -- going to each other's holiday parties, meeting up halfway between NoVa and Virginia Beach to go out, etc. And I don't think I was very nice to him -- I think at one point I said to him that Tim was going to be my next boyfriend. (Sheesh...as I write that, it makes me cringe...getting older sure makes you a lot more conscious of people's feelings.) Anyway, we had a pretty long history -- dated a little in college, then re-connected one night in NoVa (he was visiting). I had just broken up with my previous boyfriend, so we started dating.

Up until a couple of years ago, I would still call and visit him when I was in town sometimes -- I'll always consider him a friend. Or, thought I would, until he got all bitter when I had a baby and could not even pretend to be happy for me. That was the last time I talked to him -- until my mom put him on the phone last night.

Some things are better left in the past. I'm learning that more and more.

That Is 'Captain A Of The S.S. Hole' To You, Mister!

Scott was one of the early NetSec'ers -- a group of about five or six people who started the company in the founder's basement.

They spent hours and hours in that basement and used to come up with things to do to entertain themselves so they didn't go crazy, such as:

- fashioning a ball gag out of an orange skittle for the Bendy Wendy doll of the founder's daughter
- re-programming the audio on a Furby to play a continuous loop of messages that included, "kill your mommy", "AK-47", "Love your purse", and "HIV positive"

I'm Almost Up To "M" Now...

I have a book about the alphabet that was given to me by an aunt in 1974 (according to the inscription). That means I had just turned seven, and she thought this would be an appropriate book for me.

I read this to Avery all the time -- it is a very basic alphabet book that is just about right for her reading and comprehension level (she's two).

What is the statute of limitations on being offended?