Monday, August 16, 2010

Major Impact

I know some people who distinctly remember their loss of innocence as the time when they found out that Santa Claus was not real, or when a beloved pet died, or when they learned that "no new taxes" means "I'm a liar, liar pants on fire." I remember my own loss of innocence like it was yesterday.

Because it was.

It happened when a lovely friend of mine shared some medical information over dinner at a nice little Thai place. (To her credit, she did ask before sharing if it was okay to discuss possibly gross topics while we ate. I said "sure" never imagining that with her words, she would instantly and fundamentally change who I was.) 

You see, according to my friend, there is a medical procedure called a "stool transfer."

You read that right.

There is an actual procedure that takes "good" fecal matter (from a healthy colon) and inserts it into the colon of a patient who is not-so-healthy, and in the magical way that medical science works, the poop recipient lives happily ever after the end (heh). A bit of Internet research shows that not only is this true, but also that there are support groups for the people who undergo this procedure.

The worst part? (Other than realizing that there are people willing to show their faces at support groups and admit that they are walking receptacles for stranger poop) is that I can just picture the type of person who would offer to be a stool donor. I know that if I ever required donor stool (and honestly...if it ever comes to that...please just set me off on an ice floe...) I would hope that it would happen discreetly and that we would never speak of it again.

Much like when I went to see "Gigli" on opening weekend...

But not your stool donor. Oh, no! His name is Larry, he speaks in a monotone, and he wants to be more than just your stool donor...he wants to be your friend. He'd set up some kind of Oprah reunion show where he would get emotional explaining to O-girl how he feels a bond with you that he has never felt with anyone before. He will talk about how he got his stool (never "poop," you Philistine) to a donor grade and how he hopes to take the stigma away from this and make it more acceptable to talk about. He'll start a Facebook group and a blog called "Fecal Matters!," he'll try to recruit other stool donors and educate those not in the know. ...and of course, you'll be on his holiday card list.

Stool pusher, indeed.
Brutalism

UPDATE: HippestSnippets linked to my post today. You know, my poop post. I'm so proud.

32 comments:

Dilettard07 said...

Oh c'mon. Everyone knows about this. It's called "space docking."

I think it is a shame that doctors eager to regain their stock market losses are selling this to unsuspecting patients as a "medical procedure." I bet the insurance companies are in cahoots, too.

It is something that can be done in the privacy of your own home and does not require the selection of a faceless "donor."

OK, for real: through which end is the fecal matter transferred? Or is it a caesarian procedure? Also, can vegetarians be matched with other vegetarians?

dilettante07 said...

Tard--sounds like you're a candidate to start that "Fecal Matters!" blog.

I wonder if there anyone has ever tried to run a stool drive? Hand out free spinach and bran muffins before the procedure, get some good press for the company, etc. I pray no one ever raises that at my office.

Brutalism said...

Tard - I already know more than I ever wanted to. And I know very little.

Tante - Thank you so much for using the exclamation point in the newsletter title.

Single Dad Laughing said...

Haha, I was having a pretty crappy Monday until I read this post. Now I can't stop giggling. Thanks a lot.

Single Dad Laughing

dilettante07 said...

ha ha! Crappy!

Also--my word verification is tingspor. I bet a tingspor could only be eradicated through a stool transfer.

Brutalism said...

SDL - I suppose that is better than crying. Which is what my reaction was. And taking a shower. Fifty-three times.

Tante - Tingspor is the new dingleberry. (My verifiation word was "fidepube.") Really?

Gorilla Bananas said...

The perfect turd should have the right texture - not too hard, but not so soft that it breaks into pieces. The dimensions should be regular and sausage-like. No doubt there are humans who regularly produce such creations and proudly donate them to others less fortunate.

Anonymous said...

Can you request the type of stool you would like to receive? You really need another post penetrating deeper into this black hole of obscure medical knowledge. What if I like corn on the cob? Is there a request section on the sign-up sheet? These are things that need to be answered. You can't just leave us hanging...
BTW, the word verification security word that I need to type into the box on the comment page currently reads "itsahole"...Makes you wonder if these are randomly produced or if someone reads your blog and then decides what the security word should be. If it is the later then where do I apply for said position.

lacochran's evil twin said...

No shit?!

ClevelandPoet said...

first off "Fecal Matters!had me laughing for a good minute or two.

then I kept yelling "get that poop on ice stat!" forgetting that my wife is already at work and would not then come to read this and my cat was looking at me.
then I looked outside the window and a chick in the apartment across the way was on her balcony and staring at me like I was a freak.

I blame you. Glad I found this place tho.

dilettante07 said...

Can't you just see the Oprah episode?

O: "So Larry, what made you decide to be so selfless and become a stool donor?"

L: "Well, O, may I call you O? I've always known that I had very healthy, some might even say, sexy stool, and I realized there were so many people out there less fortunate than I. One day, I was walking my 3 pet poodles with my mother (she's my roommate), and I saw a flyer posted on the message board of our (my mom and my) favorite salad bar, and I thought, I've finally found my calling!"

O: "Larry, that is beautiful. And we have a surprise for you. Your mom is here!"

Larry weeps and poops pants.

Scene.

Moooooog35 said...

I pride myself on my ability to give people shit, but this is ridiculous.

Brutalism said...

Gorilla Bananas - I would expect you to be an expert, what with all the poop-flinging you and your kind do.

Anonymous - I cannot donate blood because I lived in London during the height of the mad cow era...I wonder if that also applies to donating other things? (Not that I will ever find out.) Itsahole is fantastic.

Lacochran - Indeed.

Cleveland Poet - Your neighbor sounds uptight. Maybe she was transplanted with Martha Stewart's stool?

Tante - Makes me sad that Oprah's show in ending.

Moooooog - For the sake of all that is right and holy (er, holey) (heh), please continue to just give shit figuratively.

dori said...

My word verification? Phagg. I can't even make this shit up.

Speaking of, according to the History Channel (or maybe it was Medical Mysteries), in the days before plumbing, travelers would know they were almost home by the particular quality of the poo-stench permeating the air from miles away. So, if we take that as fact, isn't it then possible that a stool donor could find themselves in a public bathroom stall and recognize the particular quality of their very own poo-stench wafting over from the BM-er next door? And further, is that a happy moment?

YinMetYang said...

You say "medical procedure", I say fetish. tomAYto, tomAHto...

Brutalism said...

Dori - Re-vomiting. Thanks for that.

YMY - Larry is donning liquid latex in this scenario, isn't he?

Lovey Sunshine said...

Isn't space-docking specifically referring to putting poop in a vagina? you know, like the pilgrims used to do?

Brutalism said...

Lovey - I've missed you. And yes.

Ali said...

I always like to whip this out at opportune moments:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RblbZQth0KE

Lovey Sunshine said...

If anybody is interested, 'The Courtship of Miles Standish', by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, contains several highly fictionalized accounts of the first space docking in the Plymouth Colony.

Leave it to a Wadsworth. Do we really need fictionalized trappings to make space docking any more funny?

He deserves a posthumous celebrity roast...which, by the way...

...would be a great dilettante activity. NOBODY has posthumous celebrity roasts. I'll MC, but it has to be at a bar, and captured on video. If only we knew some not particular famous showbiz people to include in the fun.

Brutalism said...

Ali - Pardon me sheriff, while I whip this out. That is a funny and disturbing clip. I think moreso than Hopkins as Hannibal Lechter...

Lovey - Space dokkers. I think a Wadsworth posthumous roast would be a real ratings-grabber. We don't know any moderately successful actors, though. Too bad. Wait! We do!

Ed said...

I, too, am a shit giver.

Although not as fun, it does sound easier than donating sperm.

I wonder what the going rate for shit is.

Dilettard07 said...

In case anyone is thinking I don't know what space docking is, yes, of course the primary dock is the vagina. But emergency repairs such as this require the space station's back door to be used.

As for dead celebrity roast candidates, my top three guests of honor:

Edgar Allen Poe
Salvador Dali
Georgia O'Keefe

I'm pretty sure we could get Lisa Lampanelli, at the very least, to show up for one of these.

Brutalism said...

Ed -- Well, at least you're a giver. Going rate? They can't GIVE the stuff away...

Tard -- Lisa Lampanelli would totally make it.

germ said...

does your body accept any type of poo or is it broken up like blood type?

Miss Spoken said...

I wonder what the opiate addiction rate is for the doctors who choose this as their specialty.

Ms. Givens said...

That sounds scary. Like you could get Hepatitis or something.

Brutalism said...

germ - I will never know as I ceased researching after finding out that it was true that this happened. Great. Now I need to take another shower.

Miss Spoken - No kidding. That is indeed one of those "good news/bad news scenarios" -- "My daughter is a doctor!" "What kind?" "mumble mumble mumble..." (Glad you're back to blogging...I missed you.)

Ms. Givens - Definitely the stuff of nightmares.

Fickle Cattle said...

This was kind of painful to read. But hypnotic. I couldn't look away.

http://ficklecattle.blogspot.com/

Brutalism said...

Fickle Cattle - Oh, I hear you. It is a story that I had to write. Mainly because it spreads the horror and makes it manageable. To me. And it really is all about me.

And Larry.

JenBC said...

Wow. Leaves me almost speechless and I don't mind a bit. Wow.

Jason the Absurdist said...

We humans think we're so clever. But just about anything we've done (except maybe digital watches and reality TV) has been done in the animal kingdom first. Kinda like this:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/6ac5bb4527/elephant-fail

What else ya got?