Tuesday, July 12, 2011

It's The Pits

I've shared before the horror that was bikini area laser hair removal treatments and as a result, swore that I would never again subject myself to something like that. My principles go as far as my pocketbook, however, and I changed my stance when Groupon recently offered 90% off hair removal. My husband saw this deal and forwarded it to me with the following message:
"You should get your pits done. I say this with all my love...."
Pardon me while I swoon.

He was right, though. I had talked about getting laser hair removal so I could eliminate the torturous and time-consuming chore that is shaving my armpits. I'm now about two Groupon deals away from becoming completely useless. I bought the deal, figuring that arm pit laser treatments would be nothing compared to the humiliation and pain of the bikini area.

Spoiler alert: I'm a moron.

This morning was my first treatment. There was no numbing cream (or Saran Wrap undergarments) required for this area (I specifically asked) and I only had to take my shirt off, so I was already feeling way less vulnerable than I had for the bikini area. Until the technician started the procedure and it was all I could do to not jump off the table and slap her in the face. I said, "Wow. That really hurts!" (I delivered this with as much authority as I could, while wearing bright yellow tanning salon goggles to protect my eyes from the laser.)

Lady Gaga cannot relate.
She asked, "Is it the feeling of being poked by needles that bothers you?" and I replied, "Honestly, over the searing heat that feels like Lucifer himself is shoving a branding iron in my arm pit, I cannot even feel any needles."

I begged for a numbing cream prescription as she continued with the treatment. Then, as we were almost done, something happened that obviously startled her. I asked what was wrong and the rest of the exchange went as follows:

Technician (Somewhat confusedly): "There is a window washer just outside the window."
Me (Calmly):  "Surely you have some sort of film on the windows so he can't see in, as this is a medical office."
Technician (Matter of factly): "No."
Me (Helpfully) : "Well, can you just lower the blinds?"
Technician (Matter of factly): "They are broken and don't go down all the way."


Me (Resignedly): "How about I just hide over here in the corner as I put my shirt on?"

And once again, I find myself facing five more of these treatments over the next year.

Thank you, sir, may I have another?


Moooooog35 said...

You know, they say we learn from our mistakes.

Well..most of us, anyway.

Ed said...

Probably would have been easier just to let that shit grow and braid it.

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

Going along with the theme of your previous post, you should get a t-shirt that says


Trucking Tumbleweed said...

I'm pretty sure her "no" was in reference to your statement that this was a "medical office". Do not go back. Unless you get a cut of what the "window washer" paid Satan lady.

Brutalism said...

Moooooog - My dating history reveals also reveals that it takes me a while to catch on. >sigh<

Ed - Totally. And now I find out that Lady Gaga is totally bringing pit hair back.

Christian - I like it. Or I could combine my blog name and the catch phrase for a t-shirt that says "Brutalism: I love to be humiliated." At that point, my mother would probably tell all of our relatives that I died.

Trucking T - That's probably EXACTLY what she meant. And they were obviously in cahoots. It is all so clear now. (You and the window washing helped make it so.)

The Green, The Bad and The Ugly said...

Holy crap you are a better woman than I am! I can't even wax because of the pain!

Brutalism said...

TGTBaTU - I would never wax in a million years. At least with the excrutiatingly painful and humiliating laser treatments there is an end point. It's kind of like puberty in that way...

kath said...

I'd like to start by questioning the premise that shaving your pit hair is taking too much of your free time. Really? You have so little time that you can't even devote a minute of your week to writing a blog post about a Groupon coupon and said aforementioned pit hair? Me thinks maybe you've also squeezed in a few episodes of Intervention? You is one busy diva.

Brutalism said...

Kath - I was being sarcastic. It takes all of about 15 seconds...which really made me wonder why go through the agony. Then I remembered...I have a blog.

Gordon Greene said...

This all may explain why they need to offer discounts.

Sarah Lindahl said...

I am so sorry, but I love that that happened to you. I know, I'm a terrible person, but picturing you lying there, pits exposed, window washer gaping makes me smile. You are truly a professional blogger. And I also LOVE that pic of Lady Gaga.

Brutalism said...

Sarah - Thank you. Does it make up for the fact that I have not yet returned the questionnaire that you were so generous to send to me? I suck. Just ask Mooooog. He can shed some light on the "great guest blogger debacle of 2010".

Weekend Away said...

My goodness - the pain and suffering for the beautiful and the damned! Best be hairy and free than smooth and in pain!

dori said...

We are overlooking the fact that Tim suggested you do this. Seems it's time for him to get something hairy laser-treated. Just sayin'

Lisa Randazzo Kearns said...

Who are these people who choose a profession where they spend the day either yanking, waxing or lasering hair from every possible crevice on a person's body?

Brutalism said...

Weekend Away -- "Hairy and Free" may become my new mantra. (See previous posting -- I may get "I am Hairy and Free" on a t-shirt)

Dori - I mentioned to Tim that the place where I got this done offers lots of "cosmetic" procedures and after you fill out a medical history form, you also have to fill out a psychological history form that asks questions like, "Did someone suggest you get a cosmetic procedure done?" "Do you think this cosmetic procedure will solve all of your problems?" "Do you intentionally harm yourself? -- so I printed out his e-mail and attached it to the form.

Brutalism said...

Gordon - Nice point. I actually filled out a survey the doctor's office sent out today and shared the window washer tale. I really hope someone follows up with me on that.

Lisa - I know. I cannot imagine facing that every day. (Literally and figuratively).