Thursday, December 22, 2011

All I want for Christmas is...AAAAHhhhh! Not that!

I've been methodically unsubscribing myself from gazillions of e-mail lists this holiday season after receiving a mailbox-clogging amount of offers and specials from every retailer on the planet.

And even though Groupon inundates me, I cannot bring myself to unsubscribe from that site, because I love a good deal.

Especially good deals on completely random products and services. To wit:

And, again, as the naturally inquisitive type  that I am, I have some questions:

1) Colonics? Wasn't this a "thing" for about six minutes in 2001? They still do this?

2) This was promoted as a "holiday deal" and they suggested you could not only buy one for yourself, but several others as gifts. ("Merry Christmas, Honey -- this holiday season you are so full of love and joy -- not to mention a metric ton of digested food -- so I figured this gift would be perfect...")

3) Skateboarding Cheeseburgers? How good is the stuff they're smoking at New Creation Therapy?

4) Does everyone else agree that the folks at New Creation Therapy may be enjoying their colon-flushing job a little too much? This is text from their site: The therapeutic center recommends eating a normal meal three–four hours before the treatment and using the time in between to become fluent in a new language.

5) It is things like this that make me want to actively work on my drug addiction.

Happy Holidays and best wishes for a squeaky clean colon,

UPDATE: Seriously, what the hell is a skateboarding cheeseburger? I figured a quick search of Urban Dictionary would answer that and it did not. (Yet it did lead me to several thousand entries under "skateboarding" -- most of which are angry rants against people who don't get skateboarding. I grew up in a beach town where skateboarding was mandatory...are there really places that give kids a hard time for doing it?)


Trucking Tumbleweed said...

There is an English bulldog called Cheeseburger who rides a skateboard. If they are making a path for THAT, then colonics aren't what I thought they were. Hopefully.

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

That's odd. The instructions on the Skateboarding Cheeseburger I got my wife for Christmas say it will clear a path for Colonics. Weird.

Anonymous said...

Wierd! I am with you on unsubscribing.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

I laughed out loud at skateboarding cheeseburgers. Obviously, some comedian asshole working at Groupon thought it would be funny to sneak that little stinker in there.

He was right.

But it still doesn't make me want to get gallons of water firehosed up my butt.

Lisa Randazzo Kearns said...

I suspect that currently your cheeseburgers are slogging along and only if you sign up for your colonic will you ever give them the opportunity to skateboard. Personally, I prefer my cheeseburgers to luge.

Brutalism said...

Trucking T - Nice sleuthing. I also hope there is not a colon that could accommodate this...(Omitting any mention of Rosie O'Donnell here as it is the holiday season...)

Christian - I'm hoping that "skateboarding cheeseburger" is not the worst-named adult toy, ever.

Ms. Givens - A woman can only take so much spam. (See Rosie O'Donnell comment above...)

YLIDHAG - I know. What about colonics is appealing on any level? I simply cannot imagine doing something that humiliating and gross. (Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for my bikini area laser hair removal appointment...)

Lisa - Cheeseburger luge is much more melodic.