Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Eager Beavers

I am shocked – SHOCKED! - by the recent rabid beaver attacks in Fairfax County. One was random enough, but two? And in such short succession? It’s no wonder local real estate agents focus a lot more on the “school pyramid” and a lot less on the “increasingly frequent possibility of being attacked by a rabid beaver” when promoting the attributes of living in this County. While impressive creatures, what is impressive about them is also what is so scary. I mean, those are some serious teeth they have. It’s amazing to watch them fell trees with those things-- slit, slash, down they come. And with those felled trees, they industriously build dams which create rivulets, gullies and canals. I am in awe of any creature that can birth canals.

I love Beaver!
A couple of people have posted the news articles about these attacks on my Facebook wall, with juvenile references to the word “beaver.” And frankly, I don’t find this funny at all. It's actually terrifying when you know the details. A fit and trim 83-year old woman who was swimming in Lake Barcroft was the first victim, and when the beaver attacked, her screams were anything but muffled. Even when others came to her aid and continually banged that beaver with oars, it would not loosen its grip. She had many injuries, including large gashes on her arms and legs, and it almost left a gaping hole where her thumb was. But thankfully, she is expected to make a full recovery.

The second incident involved a rabid beaver launching itself out of the water and using the dock as a landing strip before chasing a group of children at Hidden Pond Nature Center. Talk about a hairy situation! They had just completed a fishing competition and noticed the beaver charging toward them. Fortunately, they were able to get away and no one was injured. Still...a very close shave.

I, for one, am concerned and think that it is time to stop beating around the bush and find out why these animals, that are normally as docile as pussycats, are savagely attacking people. It seems to me that figuring this out should be as easy as pie, and I'm planning on being pretty vocal about that if need be, and possibly even creating a Tactical Women's Alert Team. I'll keep flapping my trap until the authorities determine just how widespread a threat this is. Perhaps I’m being crotchety, but I think it should be fairly easy to snatch and analyze all the available data to prevent this from happening to others.

Thanks for letting me vent. Next week, we’ll be back to humor as usual. Which will hopefully put a huge vertical smile on your face.

See You Next Tuesday! (Er, Wednesday).

P.S. The preceding blog post was actually written and submitted as a column for Oakton Patch and Vienna Patch. My editor pushed to make it happen, but it was ultimately rejected by her supervisor on the grounds that someone was attacked and this is poking fun at that. (No, it's not.)

P.P.S. The most interesting part (heh) of all of this? This column ran last year. And it was one of my most popular columns to date. Something about this smells fishy... (You're welcome.)

P.P.P.S. Some of the references in the column above were provided by my friends, Dan and Kevin, who are nothing if not cunning linguists.

P.P.P.P.S. In researching this column, I sent two other friends an e-mail asking them for as many words as they could think of for "beaver." They both responded immediately with several great suggestions and neither one asked me why. We will be friends for life.


ShutUpandRun said...

I can't wait until next year when a camel with a broken toe invades Fairfax County. That will be a killer post.

I think the Oakton Patch is simply missing out.

Hey...read about you in the Madison magazine!!! YOu are famous.

Gman said...

Well, I like it!!

middle child said...


Lisa Randazzo Kearns said...

I've heard that there's been an influx of Brazilian Beavers in the Northern Virginia area. Beware. These smooth operators may come at you seemingly for play, but once engaged or stimulated thrust themselves upon any Tom, Dick or Harry. Be safe out there.

Rain said...

Love this post, thanks for giving me a laugh!

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

When you invited us to your Oktoberfest party if you had told us that that there would be wild beaver thrusted upon us at every turn, we would have already booked our flights. Oh wait you're talking about the animal.

Anonymous said...

Where I come from, Beavers are good eatin'. Heck, we'll even eat the crazy ones but we usually end up regretting a day or two later.

Anonymous said...

A few years late to this amazing and frightening story, also gripping, regarding Fairfax residents getting the shaft from these carnivorous critters. I would, however, point out that while a couple of 'Patches' rejected the story, I feel certain that the late great gynecologist of Mclean, Dr. Harry Patch, would've probed it deeply, and given it a warm embrace! Way to 'stirrup' trouble! :)