Thursday, December 03, 2015

Brutalism Holiday Gift Guide 2015

After an inaugural run in 2013, I am bringing back the Brutalism gift guide this year. Again, I have selflessly spent countless hours culling through the thousands of press releases I received from major manufacturers to give you what I believe is the finest holiday gift guide ever assembled. So with that, here is...

Brutalism's Holiday Gift Guide (the 2015 edition):

1. Wine Away. I learned about this must-have when we entertained people recently and someone spilled red wine all over our couch. While I jumped up to retrieve a cloth, the spiller sat calmly and directed her husband to run home and get the Wine Away. And this stuff works exactly as advertised -- the wine spot came up in just a few minutes and the couch looked good as new.

The product also removes coffee, blood, ink, fruit punch, sauce, red medicine and even 
pet accident stains...which makes me feel our party, which produced only a wine stain, was on the more boring end of the spectrum...

Wine Away also earns rave reviews on Amazon, including this one:
 "I've used it on white slacks with me in them and made it through the night without everyone thinking "wine slob." It's cleaned up after my wine group and impressed them all enough for them to keep it on hand at their houses." 
Perhaps this is the ex-drinker in me talking, but when one of your biggest housekeeping issues is cleaning up wine spills, it may be time to further investigate why you are so evangelical about this stuff.

But that can wait until after the holidays. Right now you can embrace the sloppy drunk you are without anyone ever knowing.

Like the baby Jesus intended.


2. Your own Yeti.I frankly cannot believe this gem-of-a-gift did not make the first Brutalism gift guide, as our own Yeti has brought us so much joy.When Yeti joined our family, he quickly became the neighborhood mascot -- others on the block dress the Yeti (not a euphemism) in an assortment of themed costumes for holidays, celebrations and in gear from their favorite sports teams.
Yeti is also a cross dresser. Who buckles up for safety.
Sadly, SkyMall catalog (from which we purchased our faithful friend) is now defunct.
But I can get you a heck of a deal on a "nused" one. (In great shape with the
exception of a rather severe case of vitiligo.)

3. Babies diaper surprise. You feed the doll water, it poops a charm and then you add the charm to a bracelet that's included in the package. I'm recommending this for the simple reason that I'm in awe of the marketing genius that not only makes you defy your natural instincts of consciously avoiding any surprise found in a diaper, but also manages to get you to pay $60 for the privilege. 

I suddenly feel cheated by my business school. 
If I am ever back in the dating scene, I'm totally using 
"I magically poop charms" as my Tinder profile headline.

4. Morrissey dolls. I saw Morrissey live once. He played for all of 40 minutes, had obvious disdain for the audience and kind of phoned it in. 

It was absolutely perfect. 

As are these handcrafted Morrissey dolls:
Or at least they would be if they had "Initiate Me" embroidered
across his tiny, woolen abdomen.

5. A whiteboard calendar. While this may sound too practical to make a good present, it is actually a gift that keeps on giving...to you. After you bestow this upon your friends, you can add "appointments" and "meetings" every January, then continue to enjoy it throughout the year. 
Not a calendar, but also a nice use of a whiteboard.
What better way to help them keep track of all their NAMBLA father / "son" dinner dances, taint-jazzling appointments and boil lancings? 

Bonus: You can also use it to commemorate the date the recipients stop inviting you to their house.

TIMELY UPDATE: Last night, I received a text from a friend who told me that her 7-year-old son had read their whiteboard calendar moments before and asked, "Mommy, what does "Pete's (his father's) nipple piercing" mean?" I'm so proud to help mold the next generation.


6. A nutcase helmet. These days, it seems you are required to don a helmet before you even blow your nose, so you may as well wear one with a sense of humor. Enter the Nutcase folks, who have helmets with British flag, 8 ball, and dia de los muertos designs among many others. Now you can be that person in the neighborhood who not only rides the beach cruiser she got as a teenager, but also wears a ridiculous helmet while doing so. Theoretically.
A watermelon for your melon! So awesome it hurts.

7. A young trainer.  Not only will this keep you in shape...it will keep you relevant, as you will learn an entirely new vocabulary during your weekly sessions so you can communicate like the cool kids. 

You will find yourself using terminology such as: litt, shorty, gassed, e, side bae, b, one hunnit, and tho, while eschewing standard punctuation and capitalization and overusing emojis.

And besides, this focus on your hip lexicon will help distract from the fact that you are (easily) old enough to be your trainer's mom. >sad trombone<


8. Ramekins. There are many uses for these handy little dishes -  including tormenting your husband by taking him shopping for them when he's tired and saying the word so many times that he offers you $20 to never say the word "ramekin" again.
 
There are ramifications for saying ramekin too many times, apparently.

They are perfect if you want to create individual servings of anything autumnal, artisanal or featuring ingredients from your local cheese purveyor. They're twee-rific!

What better way to show off your snooty-tooty-foodie status?

9. 8 Sensible gifts for Hanukkah - Challah! I'm kvelling over the latest from the folks at Cards Against Humanity. Looks like Savta and Zayde won't have to buy your socks and chocolate gelt this season, as you can look forward to (probably) receiving  those and other dreck and schlock in the mail through the month of December when you enroll.
Oy gevalt!
(Ed. This has already completely sold out, so I'm really just including this so you know what you're missing. Don't plotz - there are always Morrissey dolls.)


10.  Cloudy Day Toilet Paper Storage. I am totally in love with this toilet-paper-storage-as-work-of-art. Seriously. It makes you feel like you're going to the bathroom in the middle of an art museum when you look up and see this. (Without those pesky museum guards getting all like, "Hey...what are you doing?  Pull up your pants and get out of here, sicko!")...again.

Hope you all have a litt new year, baes

Brutalism

5 comments:

YinMetYang said...

I will literally kill you if you say ramekin or autumnal again. Ok, I won't kill you but please stop. Seriously.

And Yang had the same Morrissey experience as you did and wonders if you were at the same show?

Brutalism said...

Wolf Trap...circa 1993?

YinMetYang said...

Somewhere in LA....circa 1991-2.

YinMetYang said...

"Worst show I ever saw..."

Sloangroup said...

I need to put that doll on my Amazon wishlist..