Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Dirty Money

My restroom at work is a real goldmine. And by "goldmine," I mean "not a goldmine by any stretch of the imagination." (Then again, I'm not sure what one would hope to find in a public restroom that would constitute a goldmine. Perhaps the absence of Larry Craig alone makes it one...) But I digress.

Just yesterday, as I stopped in the first floor restroom, I saw this propped against the mirror behind the sink:


After I asked the clerk at 7-11 if I could get my change in thousands and millions flipped this over, I realized that it was not money at all, but religious literature. Religious literature asking me if I was going to heaven when I died (doubtful) or used God's name in vain (almost exclusively) or looked at a woman to lust for her (not really, but I tell my husband I do every year on his birthday)...

And frankly, all of the questions I was being asked made me want to ask some questions of my own. Namely:

1) Are the people you want to recruit into your fold those who actually believe that there is such a thing as a trillion dollar bill?

2) Do you realize (as I did, sadly, after the fact) that most people will likely reach for this PRIOR TO washing their hands?

3) Do you think that the government realizes that all they need to do is visit a few public restrooms to erase the federal deficit?

4) Is it wrong to save this and add it to an offering plate the next time I am presented with one?

Still embarrassed about my early crush on Kirk Cameron,
Brutalism

21 comments:

Moooooog35 said...

Tom Cruise has no decency.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Well! This trumps the obviously authentic thousand dollar bill with the Fonz on it, I found at a garage sale once and delightedly mailed to my friend overseas on her birthday!

Maybe it was a statement on taking the Fonz's name in vain?

I'm off now to practice lusting after a woman in case I ever find a trillion note. Would lusting after a man count equally? I sadly have zero lesbionic tendencies (cravings for fellow ladies or bionic people).

lacochran said...

They don't mention anything about greed or finding rewards in heaven? These people really don't have a clue about working a theme.

ShutUpandRun said...

Who's the guy in the beard? I'm lusting for him.

LiLu said...

The few times I got tipped with those when I was waiting tables, all I could think was, "SMITE THEM, LORD!!!!!!!"

Miss Spoken said...

You find all the good stuff .... the only thing I ever found in a bathroom was scabies.

Brutalism said...

Moooooog - You wouldn't say that if you had achieved the uber-Thetan level of enlightenment. Heathen.

VA - Now hold on a minute. I could totally follow a religion that worshipped the Fonz. (And we're going to have to agree to disagree on Fembots...rarrrrr...)

lacochran - I think that was more disappointing than anything...they really could have shown a little more creativity. Um...the five dollar bill called and wants its presidential head back...

SU&R - Emancipation proclamations make people hott.

Lilu - You did not get those as a tip? I wish the plagues (mainly boils and locusts) on those horrid people.

Miss Spoken - Scabies is a total goldmine.

David said...

This is hilarious. BTW, I spoke with a friend recently, who I had not seen in years, and he told me that he and his ex wife used to swing. I immediately thought of you and your obsession with swinging. He had some awesome stories.

Brutalism said...

Um...David...you can't just toss out that you have awesome swinging stories and then not share. OH MY GOD YOU HAVE TO SHARE!!!!!!!!! (P.S. Has swinging become so mainstream that people admit it now? If so, I'm taking full credit.)

Gay Guy said...

Hi-lar-i-ous!!

Brutalism said...

Gay Guy -- I know, right? And I was only half kidding about Kirk Cameron. I actually went to the web site listed on the bill (research, you know) and his mug was plastered all over the place. They really should have used his picture instead of Lincoln's on this marketing piece...

dilettante07 said...

Kirk Cameron was totally our hottest president. He definitely deserves to be on the trillion dollar bill. Or maybe even the gazillion dollar bill. And his birthday is the day before mine. This is a factoid from Tiger Beat circa 1984 that is taking up the space in my brain that could be better used for I dunno...the Pythagorean theorem? My address? My name?

Praise the Lord!

Shakes McGee said...

Holy Hell! I have never once thought about putting one of those in the offering plate. If I ever find one, I may actually go to church again just for that reason!

This blog is awesome, by the way.

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Brutalism said...

Dilettante07-As with many great presidents, his true contributions were not discovered until he left office. Nice fun fact about him. Are you sure that wasn't from a current Tiger Beat?

Shakes - I know. And it has the added benefit of all of the other church-goers (churchies? what do you call them?) thinking you're extra-generous. You can be all like, "oh...a trillion is the smallest I have...I only wish I could give more..." Then, they'd pray for you extra-hard once they discovered your scam. Not that I've thought about this too much...

iduigan said...

Kirk Cameron would probably use the trillion dollar bill to prove the existence of God.

Lovey Sunshine said...

Can I borrow a ja-gillion?

lacochran said...

Regarding the disappearing post...

I am sorry for your loss.

Animals are absolutely amazing and they go too soon.

Brutalism said...

iduigan - I figured his "Growing Pains" residuals would have gone toward that. Although, I suppose another trillion here and there wouldn't hurt.

Lovey Sunshine - Of course. I know you're good for it. Just don't spend it all in one place.

Brutalism said...

lacochran - thanks so much. (You'd think I'd learn to draft in Word and then copy and paste, and yet, in five years of doing this, I have never once done it that way.) I'm still working on that post...I'll get it back up when it is done.

Jason the Absurdist said...

Those idiots. Everyone knows a trillion dollar bill doesn't exist.

They should totally have used a 1 million dollar bill.

http://libertyboy.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/million-dollar-bill.jpg

I do find it curious they only care if you've lusted after a woman. So Larry Craig gets a pass?

I said "a pass" not "ape ass". Potty mind!