Friday, July 23, 2010

Amish In The Haus

Thist past weekend, we went to Lancaster, PA, to take our kid to yet another theme park. In her short life, she has been to Sesame Place and Disney World a couple of times, Busch Gardens, Knoebel's, a few local carnivals, and as of last week...Dutch Wonderland. Canetto and I are fairly confident that we have now met the parental theme park requirement and can thus begin our focus on some real travel in coming years. (Perhaps to Amsterdam -- the real Dutch Wonderland.)

We spent our first day in Lancaster County exploring the area and seeing how the Amish live. And they do live very differently from us...in that they seemingly have a one-to-one person-to-outlet mall ratio and what appears to be an unnatural love of kettle corn.

All I know is that for years I have had some kind of romantic notion about what Amish country is like and not once when I was imagining the simple lives these folk had carved out for themselves (working the land/ forgoing technology and evil indulgences like zippers and not marrying cousins) did I envision that Amish country would look so much less pastoral and so much more like a super Wal-Mart.

I mean, sure, we saw some covered bridges and some horses and buggies, so I did get a chance to gawk at the Amish like I wanted. We also saw a courting buggy (a convertible two-seater) and a homemade rumble seat (a plastic lawn chair secured to the back of a buggy with a thick piece of rope in which a young, blonde child bounced up and down as the horses clopped down the street). It did not look at all secure, but then again, when each Amish family has an AVERAGE of seven children, I suppose losing one or two on the way to a barn raising or a sing is not the end of the world.

And let's just say that for a people who consider the rest of society the "Devil's Playground", they live in a town called Intercourse, they are famous for their whoopie pies, and they decorate folk art with a stylized bird called a distelfink. (My new favorite non-dirty, dirty-sounding word.)

(Amish Aside: In a previous life when I did trade shows for the NRA, I was in the booth one day when an Amish man came up and asked about a Life Membership. At the time it was $400, which I let him know. He proceeded to pull out a huge wad of cash and peel off four $100 bills and hand them to me. I processed his membership application, put the cash in the cash box and sent him on his way. Then I turned to one of my fellow exhibitors and said, "Must've been a good year for butter.")

My whole life has been a rumspringa,
Brutalism

10 comments:

lacochran's evil twin said...

*clutches kettlecorn* You don't understand our love! It's a beautiful thing!!!

Brutalism said...

LCET - You can love the kettlecorn...just don't LOVE the kettlecorn.

Dilettard07 said...

Was there a ride at the theme park called The Dutch Oven? Maybe in the hotel room you stayed in?

Straight Guy said...

I've been there, too. You expect something pure and untouched for a 100 years. Then you realize that everyone uses GladWrap and Tupperware and the magic fizzles.

There's also some fierce fear-based racism in those parts, too. I tried to have a conversation but my Amish connection couldn't even understand the CONCEPT of 2 billion people in Asia. They just don't know...

That coaster ride at Disney where the Yeti tries to grab you is nothing compared to Dilettard's Dutch Oven concept. Not for the pregnant or those with a heart condition.

Ink Spiller said...

With rides like the one where you're sitting in a plastic lawn chair strapped to a buggy maybe the Amish should have their own theme park with rides and all...

ShutUpandRun said...

Do the Amish allow vibrators? I hear they go well with kettlecorn.

Ed said...

I love making fun of the Amish online. It's not like they'll ever see it.

Gorilla Bananas said...

They must be having sex to produce all those children. But what noises are they allowed to make when they're doing it?

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

They live in a town called Intercourse??? hahahahahahaha, that is too funny!

Brutalism said...

Tard - The Dutch Oven is the scariest ride of all. Ask Ethel Merman. And her divorce attorney.

Straight Guy - So true. I'm so disillusioned. Apparently telephones are evil until they can be used to market "Jebediah's authentic buggy rides" -- then they are tools to do the Lord's work. Like Mel Gibson does.

Ink Spiller - Maybe a combo lawn chair/dutch oven ride? One-two terror punch.

SU&R - I will pay you $100 to ask an Amish person that question. (Nevermind...you'd probably do it.)

Ed - That's why I pick on blind people online, too.

Gorilla Bananas - They sing hymns...Just like everyone else.

FGIS - Yes they do. Shortened from 'intercourse with your cousin' I think.