Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Baby Did A Bad, Bad Thing

Last night, my husband and I went to see Chris Isaak at Wolf Trap -- a standing date we've had every summer for the past eight or nine years. We now get seats inside the amphitheater instead of picnicking on the lawn as we've done in the past -- a decision necessitated by Boobapalooza 2005.

That year, we had seats on the grassy expanse with hundreds of other people. I was ridiculously pregnant and completely uncomfortable because my maternity bra was stretched to its limits and cutting into my rib cage. After fidgeting and tugging at it and shifting sitting positions several times, I decided that the only way I could get some relief was to do that subtle unhook-your-bra-and-take-it-off-through-your-shirtsleeve maneuver. Forgetting, of course, that the move loses some of its subtlety when your bra is large enough to house a couple of boy scouts and several tins of their overpriced popcorn.

The looks on the faces of the concert-goers on the crowded lawn convinced Tim that it would be in our best interest at future shows to sit inside where I might not be as inclined to disrobe.

He hates freedom.

Last night, however, it was not me who was putting on the show.

Before the show started, a man and woman walked by where we were standing, and as they did, the guy just completely passed out. The EMTs came over to check him out and figured it was probably the heat (and by that, I mean "the alcohol") and let him lay on the ground and recover while they monitored his vitals. When he came to, he stood up and vomited everywhere.

I bet his wife is gonna make him sit in the amphitheater now, too.

Harrumph,
Brutalism

20 comments:

Ann Imig said...

He hates freedom.

HA!

Love the new blog look.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

See, I always thought the point of nursing bras were such:

1) they house the bigger, tender, birth-boobies

2) They unhook easily for hungry mini-flesh-humans.

3) Once mini human is birthed, they (bra) can double as a hammock for twins.

No? And you wonder why I am childless.

Sarah Lindahl said...

Boobapalooza-- LOVE IT!

lacochran's evil twin said...

Ditto all of what Ann Imig said. :)

And, hey, it was Chris Isaak. You should have thrown the bra at the stage. ;)

Straight Guy said...

There was a time when Cris Isaac caused many audience undergarments to come flying off. You could have played it that way...

middle child said...

My husband LOVES the boy scout caramel corn. But he would have even happier to be there for your Boobapalooza!!! I say, when in doubt, set those puppies free!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Throwing up isn't much of a show though, is it? It doesn't require much talent. Your bra trick was a far superior act with a better outcome, viz a pair of pendulous boobies instead of vomit on the ground.

Ali said...

"...pendulous boobies..." is a phrase one doesn't hear often enough in civilized conversation.

YinMetYang said...

We saw Chris Isaak 10yrs ago (sorry we missed you) with another couple and I think there might be something about him that causes vomitous spewing. My girlfriend and I drank a lot of wine that night (lawn seats) and on the way home she quietly took her sweater off in the back seat of our car and puked into it. It was not quite Boobapalooza that night (she had a t-shirt under her sweater) but I bet if I had asked real nice...

Anonymous said...

Who wouldn't pass out at a Chris Isaak show? The thought of just going to one is making me woozy right now...I of course have very little room to talk here since my first concert ever was ...Tiffany. Yes, that Tiffany and no, it was before New Kids on the Block opened for her so yes, I was a fan before she was big time. No it wasn't at a mall. Yes, if it were at a mall I probably still would have gone. Much like in todays society as we ponder the battle between team Edward and team other guy, back then I was totally team Tiffany over team Debbie Gibson. I think I have said enough. My second concert was Janet Jackson...but not cool Janet Jackson...chubby rhythm nation Janet Jackson. Shit, I can't stop myself. OK that is all. I also like Dave Matthews and Garth Brooks. Does it help that I went to a Van Halen concert as well, mixed in there somewhere?

Ms. Givens said...

I hate vomit!
If I took my bra off nobody would notice. :)

Moooooog35 said...

Had I known they lived in bras, I would have become a Boy Scout.

I hate late news.

Brutalism said...

Hi, Ann - Thanks! It's getting there...

VA - If you do not procreate, who will you pass the recipe for the white trash margarita on to? That cannot die with you. Think, woman!

Sarah - Boobapalooza could also be the name of any reality show, I think. Although, people don't really use "boob" anymore to describe an idiot, do they? Let's bring it back. Or not. I'm a boob.

lacochran - I hear you. I do love that man and his rhinestone suit. But I'd want to throw something lacy and adorable at him, not something industrial.

Straight Guy - Yeah...I think he's still undergarment-worthy. I wish I was cool enough to play it that way.

Middle Child - It better be good...with what they charge for it. (BTW, what the heck is a Weeblo?)

Gorilla Bananas - Thank you for appreciating talent. Sadly, they did not agree at my Miss America Pageant audition...

Ali - Let's also bring that back. Along with "boob." (e.g. 'That boob has pendulous boobies.')

YMY - At least she was thoughtful enough to puke into her sweater. Is that couple still together?

Anon - I was going to call you brave for being so adamantly in Team Tiffany and admitting to seeing her in concert. Then I realized you commented anonymously and (while I understand), can no longer call you brave. And no, Van Halen does not help.

Brutalism said...

Ms. Givens - Yeah...seeing someone vomit was not the most pleasant part of the evening.

Moooooog - They need better marketing.

Ms. Givens said...

Hi, its me again. Thanks for the compliment.
:)

Anonymous said...

Brutalism: You can call me brave for the Tiffany admission. At worst I was surrounded by a bunch of teenage girls (clarification: I too was a teenager at the time) so can one really blame me for going? Is the name anonymous really any more or less anonymous than almost every other name at the top of most of these comments? Id have posted under my real name but I don't remember my password for this site and now I am sort of enjoying the anonymity. Though I am sure you already have me figured out.

Jason the Absurdist said...

Weeblo - there's another one of your homonyms. "Weeblo so you don't have to"

This game is fun!

Even more fun: verification word "Sputin".

Brutalism said...

Anon - What's your point? Gorilla Bananas and Vegetable Assassin are quite obviously given names.

Jason - Sputin is great. Know what else is great? A recent FB post by a scientist friend of mine who wrote about bomburbation and how it has something to do with ejecta around a rim. Scientists are dirty!

dori said...

Love the new look!

I had such glorious cleavage during my pregnancy/breast feeding months (not seen on me before or since) that I wore completely inappropriate, low-cut, trampy blouses. I'm kinda jealous that a bra couldn't contain yours. That's a serious "I am Woman, hear me roar" situation.

Brutalism said...

Dori -- I love that you wore trampy blouses while pregnant. And I guess at the point when you're pregnant enough for the huge boob phase of pregnancy you're already announcing to the world that you're not a virgin, so you may as well go all the way.

So to speak.