Thursday, November 17, 2011

Soccer? I Barely Know Her.

Last weekend, I went to my daughter's age 6-and-under soccer game. She had a whole bevy of fans there -- her grandparents, her aunt and uncle, and friends Amanda and Leon.

They play three on three (I'm referring to the girls soccer teams -- not the grandparents, aunt and uncle and Amanda and Leon -- although this really does fall into the "don't ask, don't tell" arena) so all of the girls have the opportunity to play the entire game.

My daughter did pretty well. If they kept score (WHICH THEY DON'T, BECAUSE IF THEY DID IT WOULD CAUSE IRREPARABLE HARM TO THEIR DELICATE PSYCHES), Avery would have scored all three goals on her team. And we would have been proud.

And not to put too fine a point on it, but the game was actually more like three on two, as one of the girls on my daughter's team not only did not seem to understand or be interested in soccer, but I'm not even sure she realized she was standing on a soccer field. She is one of those kids that I totally adore -- in her own world, daydreaming, seeming completely shocked whenever the ball came her way. And the one time she did kick the ball...it was into her own team's goal, something that did not not seem to register with her.

Of course, because we are such a supportive group, we spent most of the game heckling the assistant coach (Canetto) from the sidelines and then discussing what award the daydreamer may be presented with at the end-of-season soccer banquet following the game. We suggested the following:

MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED
at something else

MOST VALUABLE PLAYER
for the other team

MOST ATHLETIC
looking father

BEST ALL AROUND
obstacle to winning

MOST DISPENSABLE

Of course, the coaches had to be all "good sports" and "encouraging" so they ignored our suggestions and presented her with a trophy just like the other girls on the team received.

Communists.

[P.S. Check out my weekly Patch column (I love how dirty that sounds) here.]

7 comments:

Moooooog35 said...

Stick with it. It gets better.

I went from yelling "kick the ball" to "KICK THE FUCKING BALL" as the kids progressed through the age groups.

Well worth it.

Abby (Abigail if I'm in trouble) said...

This one had me in tears laughing. I can so relate to the old kiddie soccer days. Oh the memories.

Ed said...

Damn panzies and their damn no-score-keeping.

That's what's wrong with this country today.

No score keeping in kids soccer!

well, and the economy and shit.

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

That daydreaming girl has management material written all over her.

Ragnar said...

I think the little girl who kicked the ball into her own goal was making a bold political statement about the failure of the two party system and the infrastruc . . . nah, I guess she just wasn't into it.

Kady Hexum said...

MOST ADORABLE
teammates

BEST FORWARD
backside

MOSTLY LIKELY TO SUCCEED
in sucking

Straight Guy said...

Funny, funny.

I say this kind of seriously though. I think more parents need to find individual sports (swimming, running, gymnastics, tae kwon do, etc) for their kids, at least one season a year.

Then the kids have to own their feelings and thoughts about coming in first or last, succeeding or failing, butt kicking or getting butt kicked. They can't all be winners all the time, and I think it's helpful for them to sort it out, either way.