Thursday, June 10, 2010

No Nudes Is Good Nudes

In 2003, we remodeled our (gloriously, Brady's-esque '70's) kitchen. (When I say "we" remodeled it, I mean "we" paid a lot of people to do it). These things always take longer and cost much more than you think they will. Also, we were new to having a mortgage and a bit freaked out about the cash outlay. Ergo, we decided that we should get a roommate for a short time during and after this renovation to help defray the costs. (Important aside: Nobody over the age of 25 should have a roommate, and once you are out of the roommate situation for good, you should never, NEVER willingly go back into it). Hindsight is 20/20.

So is heinie sight...but we'll get to that in a minute.

Canetto posted a notice at his office and almost immediately we found someone to rent our room. He lived in the DC area during the week for work, and then went home to the NYC area on weekends, where he owned a home. He worked long hours and essentially just needed a place to sleep during the week. He was also willing to live with us and pay rent during our kitchen renovation. Perfect, right?

He was not a bad roommate, just a little odd. He tended to know everything about everything and Canetto and I just took to not really socializing with him much. One day, he found us in our sun room and told us that he was engaged -- to someone he had met six weeks prior. This woman was from another country, so the whole situation just kinda screamed "green card" to us.

Shortly after his engagement announcement, we were going out of town for Memorial Day weekend -- at least part of it. We probably told our roommate that we'd be back SUNDAY about five times, because he told us his girlfriend would be visiting and we didn't want any surprises.

We came home Sunday evening, as scheduled, and tried to pull into our garage, but both sides were blocked by cars (his and hers, we guessed). I stormed into the house, upset because I wanted to unpack and relax. I called our roommate's name...no answer...looked in his room -- nowhere. So, I went up to our room and looked out the window, onto the patio and swimming pool below, and there our roommate and his girlfriend sat --at our table next to the pool. I remember thinking, "wow...that's an odd bathing suit" and having to do a double-take once I realized that her flesh-colored bathing suit was actually flesh-colored FLESH! Yup. Totally naked -- sitting with feet propped up on the table and smoking a cigarette.

My first reaction was to laugh, and of course to grab Canetto -- which I did. Now, to be fair, this was a very attractive woman (again, lending credence to our green card theory, as our roommate was no prize), so when Tim peeked out the window -- he looked back at me and asked, "is it okay if I look again?".

We decided that the best way to handle this was for Canetto to pretend to be surprised as he walked into the back yard and "caught" them. (How noble of him to volunteer for this duty, eh?) He did this, and she got startled, screamed, and ran inside to get dressed. The more I thought about it, the more grossed out I got. I started thinking about all the other places in my house where she may have had her naked butt (er, "dufty doodle") while we were out of town. Was she having coffee while sitting naked at my kitchen table? Watching TV on my sofa au naturel? ACK!

He moved out shortly thereafter. We spent a lot of time superchlorinating the pool that summer.

16 comments:

Moooooog35 said...

I'm outside your door right now.

Are you saying I need to put a towel on or something?

Hurry up and let me know. Getting chilly.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Bahahahaha!

I was hoping she'd turn out to be a Real Doll. :) But your way is even nastier. Thanks for that.

YinMetYang said...

Prude.

Brutalism said...

Moooooog - I'd be a little more okay with that if I wasn't at work. We've talked about this...

VA - A real doll would have been even creepier...I was thankful for the real person. ("Thankful may be stretching it...)

YMY - I think I honestly felt more violated by her smoking and putting her naked butt on my furniture than by the nudity. Who am I kidding? It pretty much all made me want to hurl.

Ms. Givens said...

I dont know what to say. :)
You had my attention tho.

YinMetYang said...

Is this your round-about way of telling me you don't want me nude sunbathing by your pool while you're at work anymore?

Juliana @ Kernut's World said...

Eeew, ya I'd be a little grossed out, too, wondering where they'd been sitting.

But I'm naked (alone :( )in my house all the time. I just don't tell my guests how it was before they come over. Maybe that's kinda the same thing, huh?

Ooops.

Dilettard07 said...

I suspect the sentiment behind your reaction to all of this is all the proof the world needs that Ms. Brutalista is indeed not a swinger.

After all, think about the pools, hot tubs, pillows, beds, chairs, and tables in those swinger clubhouses and all the bare asses that have been in, on, and spreadeagled atop them... No, really, think about it.

Enjoy your lunch.

Brutalism said...

Ms. Givens - I know. The bare butt on the patio chair really said it all.

YMY - Too subtle?

Juliana - Your own naked butt on your own furniture is somehow okay (not that your guests want to know about it...they don't), but it is much less a violation.

Tard - KMOR. I think we both know what that stands for.

Straight Guy said...

Lonely guys will never make good decisions around hot naked women. This is an undisputed fact. But, please, just put a towel on the patio furniture. Those straps leave ugly marks!

Aunt Pete said...

Some things are beyond the scope of lysol!

Ann Imig said...

He totally wanted you guys to walk in on them.

See you at Blogher BAYYYBEEE!

(I, for one, will not be wearing my flesh colored swimsuit)

Brutalism said...

Straight Guy - He was not naked. The whole thing was weird. I guess I wrongly assumed that people are either hanging out naked or clothed...it is rarely a mixed bag (so to speak). At least in my experience.

Aunt Pete - I know. When it comes to someone else's nudity on your furnishings, ignorance is indeed bliss.

Ann - Thanks for the heads-up. I will be able to recognize you at BlogHer due to the flesh colored swimsuit. (See you there - I can't wait for it!)

kiki said...

where was she from?
was she Romanian?

more importantly, do you know if they're still together?

Jay Ferris said...

I'm pretty sure that phones had cameras back in 2003... so please let me know when this post is updated with the proper documentation.

dilettante07 said...

Apparently Jay Ferris has not heard about the Discman(TM).