Monday, June 28, 2010

Rated Ex

Every once in a while, an old boyfriend will contact me. Sometimes to comment on something they read on the blog, sometimes when they run into a mutual friend and want to reminisce, and sometimes to remind me that I once invited them over to watch porn in my parents' bedroom.


Yesterday was one of those days.

It is my own fault, I suppose. The guys I dated, I dated for years, so I have long and embarrassing histories with all of them.

There was Tim (not Canetto), who I began dating in college and went on to date for six years. I think we knew it was time to end the relationship when things began to get stale. And by that, I mean that I tried to get his attention one morning by tap dancing naked in front of him while he read the paper. He lowered the paper, said, "That's nice, dear," then raised the paper again and continued reading.

Then there was Rob. Rob was younger and shorter than me. We worked together for the same organization, though we were definitely on different paths…I was focused on my career and going back to school and he was focused on Rolling Rock. I don’t really remember why we broke up, so I did what anyone would do. Through the magic of Facebook, I recently asked him to refresh my memory. He provided the following recap. (My comments are in parentheses):

"It might have been the height issue. I mean, I’ve always been attracted to tall, voluptuous women and sadly, you just didn’t fit the bill. Wait, no…that’s not it…"       
"Now I remember -- you were wickedly intimidated by both my ambition and success. Nope, that’s not it, either. Although I think I’m getting closer…" (To be fair, he did a brilliant job as NRA’s Eddie Eagle mascot at trade shows and events.)
"Sadly, I think it came down to my inability to handle your blatant and outlandish immaturity. I wanted you to grow up and really make something of yourself. Instead you lived with dudes, went out all the time and never really acted like you cared about me! I’m think I’m on the right track..."            
"Wait. It just hit me, you were asking why you broke up with me…I’m dumb." (He’s funny.)
"Honestly, we dated what? Three years? I’m sure the end was crummy." (Just the part where he let the air out of my tires, actually. The rest was pretty civil.)
"Now that I think about it, we had a good run. Whatever the reality was, when I think of you I smile. Not a gross “I just took an upper-decker in your guest bathroom” smirk – but a big Cheshire cat toothy grin." (For the record, I’m not entirely sure that he did not take an upper-decker in my guest bathroom.)
P.S. If you do write about me, be sure to mention my circus-like penis. (I have no idea what this means.)
UPDATE: Thanks to DC Blogs for the link today. That reminds me...if you are not yet following Lilu on Twitter -- do so immediately. She is one of the top 20 finalists to be MTV's first TJ (Twitter Jockey) and she is hilarious.


Moooooog35 said...

His circus-like penis means it has three rings.

A clear indicator of penile ringworm and a definite sign that you got out of the relationship at just the right time.

ShutUpandRun said...

I think circus like penis refers to an elephant. Man, what was THAT like?

dilettante07 said...

For those of us who are too refined to know what an upper decker is:

I once broke up with a guy because he nearly swallowed my face when he kissed me. He's on facebook too. Maybe I'll go tell him...

Brutalism said...

Moooooog - Ahhh...that makes sense. I was envisioning clown makeup. I mean, it has been a long time, but I feel certain I would remember something like that.

SU&R - Elephantine. Another theory. Again...think I might have remembered.

Tante - Definitely tell that guy. Or just do an upper decker in his guest bathroom.


Gorilla Bananas said...

Ah, the circus penis! I have seen one of those since '97, when I was in the circus. Did he let you tie a knot in it?

Dilettard07 said...

Yes, dilettante07, but aren't you glad you took me back? Oh wait, can't be me, I am not on Facebook.

And I think that really it was a Freudian slip on his part. He clearly meant he wanted you to mention his circus peanuts.

Mr. J said...

Circus-like penis? Red nose, white makeup, clown hair. Weird.

Brutalism said...

Gorilla Bananas - Not that I recall, though my memory of that time is faint, as I've said. So, perhaps. Although I hope not. Oh my God.

Tard - I love circus peanuts. Seriously. I love them. And I don't think there is a grosser candy out there.

Mr. J - I know, right? I really think I'd remember that.

LiLu said...

Awww, thank you so much!!! You're the best :-)

dori said...

Great post (as usual) and great comments (as usual). Reading your comment threads is like looking in on cocktail party of clever, funny people. I feel a little under dressed here in my jammies.

Brutalism said...

Lilu - Blah, blah, blah - now go get famous!

Dori - Love when you stop by. I don't mind that you're here in your jammies. I just mind that you are in your jammies standing over me while I sleep. That is a little unsettling.

Miss Spoken said...

I prefer Carnival-Like Penis. There's something about alcoholic clowns with a touch of TB that I just can't resist ....

Miss Spoken said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brutalism said...

Miss Spoken -- had me at "alcoholic clowns with TB."

One day, People magazine will get with it and add this category to their "Sexiest men alive" issue.

Stacy said...

did baker REALLY do that? what a loser!

i would've watched you tap dance naked

and i'm a chick

perhaps you can perform for us next year at my lake house...