Thursday, May 13, 2010

Looking A Gift Horse In The Underpants

My only child is now 4 ½, and has therefore been sleeping through the night for some time. This does not, however, mean that I have forgotten the years of sleep deprivation. Looking back, it is both funny and terrifying how many things I did with no sleep. Like drive a motor vehicle. And perform brain surgery. And forget that I am not a brain surgeon.

I still remember trying my hardest to focus on something and being so tired that the synapses were just not firing correctly. For instance, once I was reading about developmental milestones in a baby book that noted a baby should be able to flip over “both ways” at a certain age. Rather than reading this in the rational way (stomach-to-back and back-to-stomach), the only scenario I could envision in my exhausted-beyond-comprehension head was stomach-to-back and then head-over-heels (like a somersault). I read that passage again and again trying to make sense of it and wondering why my baby was so developmentally stunted that she had not yet figured out how to do a somersault at two months of age.

Also in the sleep deprivation hall of fame were the incident where Tim told me that he wanted to take care of the business end of the nanny and the time we received a bunch of hand me down clothes and baby gear from some exceptionally generous friends. Among the things they gave us was a portable crib. One day, while our infant was napping, my husband and I set this thing up. As we opened it, a white piece of material with elastic on the sides flew out. Again, since we hadn't slept more than a couple of hours at a stretch, we were absolutely certain that these were some large granny panties. Please realize that NOT FOR ONE SECOND did we question what underpants would be doing in a pack ‘n play that our friends has given us.

But it gets better.

My husband actually went to the garage, got some grill tongs, and picked up the offending panties at arms length, which he promptly flung into the outside garbage can.

We never spoke of it again.

Until, of course, we went on vacation and had to buy a crib sheet for the pack ‘n play...a white crib sheet with elastic on the sides…

14 comments:

Sarah Lindahl said...

I had tears rolling out of my eyes picturing a two month old baby doing a sommersault. More tears when I thought about you being worried about it. Thanks for a great laugh!

Brutalism said...

Sarah - It is a little scary, don't you think, that we are supposed to keep a human being alive in this condition? And at least the sleep deprivation gave me an excuse for my idiocy...

ShutUpandRun said...

One time in my sleep deprivation I jumped into the deep end of the pool with my baby in my arms thinking I could tread water and keep us both afloat. Sounded like a good idea for a moment. WTF. As if. My husband still brings it up. I guess b/c he had to jump in and save us.

Dying laughing at the granny panties that were really a crib sheet. THat would be one very large granny.

Sarah Lindahl said...

I went out to lunch with some people today and told them about your sleep-deprived somersault expectations for your little baby. We all had a great laugh picturing a poor tired lady trying to coach her two month old into a somersault, "Tuck you head, yes, like this and FLIP yourself over!" and the poor baby crying and crying. I can't stand it! It's SO funny!

Brutalism said...

SU&R - That's fantastic. To this day, I wonder what I may have said to friends of mine during those years as I was certainly not in my right mind. (Especially since "in my right mind" I talk a lot about swinging and fecal foreplay...)

Sarah - I know. I kept the poor kid off all the lists of the best preschools because I thought she was so far behind. Turns out, just her mom was. I see this theme being repeated throughout her upbringing.

Dilettard07 said...

That could be a SNL skit...called Anal Retentive Sleep Deprived Parents.

Tongs...!

Straight Guy said...

I always think of flying panties as a bonus. But it so rarely happens around here. Let me open open a box or two.... nope, nothing.

Funny post.

YinMetYang said...

When Carson was born, my good friend had just had her daughter (Madison) 6 weeks earlier. I woke up in the middle of the night soon after Carson came home from the hospital and could not go back to sleep (so tired I couldn't sleep) because I was obsessed with the idea that my friend and I both gave birth to daughters but we both gave our girls names that ended in SON. Coincidence? I think not!

And I'm pretty sure that at some point post-partum I was so disgusted with my gigantic stomach and ass that I cut two holes in a pack -n- play cribsheet and used it as underwear.

Lisa Randazzo Kearns said...

So funny. The granny pants reminded me of something totally unrelated but strangely funny as well. When I was helping our elementary school sort through the children's books for the annual book swap in one bag I found a pair of dirty underwear! At first I was horrified and then I couldn't stop laughing thinking up scenarios of how they got into the donated book bag. Unfortunately I didn't have any tongs so I just needed to pinch them between my fingers and fling them aside asking, "Do these go with the "easy readers" or should we put them on the chapter book table?"

Brutalism said...

Tard - No kidding...read on in the comments for some additional funny sleep-deprivation stories

YMY - I love that you were kept awake by the "ending in -SON phenomenon". That is classic. I only wish I had thought to use a crib sheet as underpants...would have been much more comfortable, one would imagine.

Straight Guy - Yeah, flying panties are usually a good thing. When you know the origin. Random flying panties? Not so much.

Lisa - Definitely the easy readers. That is hilarious. Do you think that anyone ever realized their underpants were missing?

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Christina said...

See this is why I shouldn't procreate! I would probably have an IV of coffee hooked up to me and I won't have showered for days. It's not a pretty picture.

Jason the Absurdist said...

Those wouldn't have even been the largest granny panties around.

Remember what my Dad did for a living? Right, stomach stapling surgeon. I would be that his 600+ lb patients had undies bigger than that. I wonder what they did with them after they lost the weight.

Does Graco accept used clothing to be recycled into crib sheets?

JenBC said...

Still wiping tears from my face after reading this one. Will asked why I was snorting and convulsing. Nice of him to check on me. I'm pretty behind on my Brutalism but looking forward to catching up.