Thursday, October 14, 2010

Why Won't He Just Take Me Hunting Like All The Good Husbands Who Want To Be With Their Mistresses?

10/19 UPDATE: This post was featured on DC Blogs and HippestSnippets today. Thanks, guys! 

My husband wants me to keel over and die so he can finally be with the much-younger mistress he has stashed away, like some trapped Chilean miner.

That is the only valid reason I’ve come up with as to why he is making me get up at 5:30am every day to do P90X with him.

For the uninitiated (meaning, the people who can still laugh and cough without severe abdominal pain…>sigh<  I remember those carefree days…) P90X is an extreme workout program that you do in the comfort (heh) of your own home.

This morning (the third morning of the program), I actually pretended I was asleep when he asked if I was ready to get up and do this. Since he knows I am the lightest sleeper, ever, he persisted and I got up and went downstairs for today's exercise session -- something called “plyometrics” (from the Greek "plyo-" meaning "Goddess of Torture" and "metrics" meaning "thank you, sir, may I have another?").

This is a challenging workout. Now, don't get me wrong. We have weathered many challenges in the years we've been together, such as: spending 24 hours a day together during a two-month cross-country road trip, planning a wedding, raising a child, living with my in-laws for six months to afford the aforementioned two-month cross-country road trip, and the current season of "The Office." Interestingly, none of these prepared me for the challenge that is not punching him in the brain when he wakes me up at 5:30 and tells me it is time for an hour-long S&M session...minus the fun part.

His mistress has no idea what she is in for.

15 comments:

lacochran's evil twin said...

I tried the original P90 and didn't get halfway through those 90 days of torture. That wasn't even the extreme version. Gah!

Straight Guy said...

Mrs. Straight Guy is a fitness nut. I prefer to count late-night viewings of P90 infomercials AS exercise.

Many years ago, we tried jogging together and it ended badly. Maybe she wanted to brain-punch me, too.

Moooooog35 said...

The only way I would get up that early to do P90X is if P90X was the model name of my sex robot.

middle child said...

My man also leaves me at home when he goes hunting.But he's not with his mistress, he is just "training" the young Amish girl who lives next to his buddy;s farm.

Sarah Lindahl said...

I flirted with the idea of trying out PX90 for a while, but there's no way in hell I'd do it at 5:30 in the morning. Also, if it's harder than a "briskish" walk, I'm out.

Brutalism said...

LET - I alternate between being motivated by the P90X guy and wanting to punch him. Is that a good thing?

Straight Guy - I'm sure she did want to brain punch you. It is the sign of a healthy relationship.

Moooooog - Please tell me that she would not look like Rosie on the Jetsons. Sicko.


Middle Child - "Training the young Amish girl" may be my new favorite euphemism. Oh, wait...it's not a euphemism?

Sarah - "brisk-ish" is really not that far from "torture-ish" -- you should try it.

Anonymous said...

And she's back :)....Maybe your husband's mistress is Gil's ex-wife since she probably left him after that one, present-less christmas...Now that would be some dedicated payback that i think we'd all be forced to admire...Scrooge. Ha.

dori said...

just the "pre-workout physical assessment" required before starting the P90X program had me so demoralized I immediately scrapped that plan and shoved a donut in my mouth.

Brutalism said...

Anon - That would be poetic, wouldn't it? Bastard.

Dori - That demoralized me, too. But I am apparently addicted to that feeling, because from there, I went to the P90X web site to look at some before and after photos. There are some befores of men that are fairly reasonable...but every before of a woman shows someone with a six-pack and the afters are just more DEFINED six packs. Wanna share the donuts?

Phavy said...

After reading all this my head is still stuck with, "How are you still with your husband?" I know a mistress is suppose to be just fresh meat on the side. Must be on strong woman to accept that fact he has one!

ClevelandPoet said...

I pondered asking my wife if she wanted to do Yoga with me but that seems more of a solitary me time...also my friend got up about that early every day to do the p90x thing with another friend and the 4th day I thought she may kill me and anyone near her.

Brutalism said...

Phavy - Yes.

Brutalism said...

Cleveland Poet - Yes...the P90X is apparently good for the body, but not so good for anger management.

Penny said...

P90x - brutal..
Dealing with a mistress - even more brutal!

Brutalism said...

Penny - I'm willing to bet that dealing with a mistress is a walk in the park compared to P90X.