Saturday, January 15, 2011

A Three-Way

While I was talking to my mom on the phone last night, she mentioned that she and her husband just bought a new thermometer. (It's a shame I've never been wanted by the FBI, because the amount of fascinating information they could pick up by bugging my telephone is astounding.)

She further explained that it was a three-way thermometer -- it could take your temperature orally, in your armpit and rectally.

Which, of course, made me think, "Wow. I don't remember eating that."

And, as always, I have some questions:
  • Whereas I can appreciate efficiencies, have you really ever wanted to save a buck that badly?
  • Is this just a ploy by the three-way thermometer lobby and the label lobby to get you to buy (and aggressively label) one for each purpose just so there is NOT EVEN THE REMOTEST POSSIBILITY that someone else would use a thermometer in more than one bodily location?
  • Does anyone use a rectal thermometer once they stop counting their age in months? (Rhetorical!)
  • If you lived with even one other person do you trust them enough to always use the properly labeled thermometer? (In my opinion, this  trust issue has catapulted to the top of the list of things to discuss prior to marriage. Ahead of how you spend money, whether or not you want kids and religion.)
  • Is it insulting that I always pack my own (one-way) thermometer in my suitcase when I visit my mom on the slight chance I develop a fever during the visit?
Appalled to the utmost degree,

10 comments: said...

As far as I'm concerned, once it is used rectally it is done!!!! I don't care who used it.

Moooooog35 said...

This is the backdoor method to get your woman to do ATM.

There are several puns in there, none of which I'm about to explain.

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

Thank god for three-way thermometer sleeves... though once it's been ass-handled, I think it's permanently an assmometer.

lacochran's evil twin said...

Your mom prefers three ways?

And now you know, you can't un-know.

Brutalism said...

Mbprehm - I'm with you. Rectal thermometers are one-use.

Moooooog - No idea what an ATM is. (Consults Urban Dictionary...reads definition #2...vomits...)

FGIS - Once an assmometer, always an assmometer.

lacochran - Tell me about it. That and the ATM are now seared into my brain. This is why I shoot black tar heroin. Recreationally, of course.

Greg said...

If one had a three way thermometer, why would one chose to use it ones ass?

If one knew one had a three way thermometer, why would one use it in ones mouth when there was the distinct possibility it was up someones ass at one time.

Considering the first two options, why would one even need a three way thermometer when one can take the temperature in ones armpit?

just saying?

Brutalism said...

Greg - Yes. And I'm in marketing --so I get the whole "three uses ONE PRODUCT" aspect (er, ass-pect) -- just not for thermometers.

Miss Spoken said...

The "three way thermometer" was big in college. So were "sausage mittens," "the lopsided dog" and "flip the midget."

My therapist can better explain all of that ...

Brutalism said...

Miss Spoken - Great. Now I have to work "sausage mittens" into conversation. What's your therapist's phone number?

StephanieC | Seriously? Really?? Seriously? said...

I'm pretty sure rectal thermometer-age (made a word there) is relegated to babies and dogs/cats, only.

At least I hope.