Thursday, May 05, 2011

The Barn Isn't The Only Thing They're Raising

My friend, Jon, posted a link on Facebook to an Amish online dating service.

As a public service to my Amish brethren, I'm happy to provide the following list of Amish pick-up lines to help them navigate the devil's playground that is online dating:

10. Is that one of Satan's reflective devices in thouest's pocket? Because I can see myself in thouest's lace-up woollen trousers.
9. Got any Pennsylvania Dutch in thou? Want some?
8. My name is Jebediah. Remember that...thou will be screaming it later.
7. What dost thou sayest I plow thou's fields?
6. What's your hex sign?
5. What has 148 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? Not my zipper, as those are the work of the devil.
4. If I told thou that thou had a great body, would thouest bear eleven of my children?
3. Churn here often?
2. Let's take this courtin' buggy straight to Intercourse (Pennsylvania)

and the #1 Amish pick up line:

1. I would love some of thou's whoopie pie, if thou knowest what I mean...

12 comments:

Sarah Lindahl said...

When I saw the title of this post I thought, "Oh my god, she misspelled 'razing,' how embarrassing for her, but then it occurred to me that perhaps all this time the Amish were BUILDING barns instead of tearing them down. Whenever I heard the term in the past I thought, "Man, those Amish are destructive. Why don't they try building something sometime. There is nothing evil about a barn. Stupid Amish."

Brutalism said...

Sarah - Maybe I do have it wrong. Perhaps they do periodically get the community together for barn razings. They don't have cable TV, alcohol or zippers, for chrissakes...I'm sure that would make anyone feel a little destructive at times.

As always, you have caused me to think.

Brutalism said...

P.S., Sarah -- George Washington is HOTT

Moooooog35 said...

Is this a whittling stick in my pocket or am I just happy to see you in the Biblical sense?

Sarah Lindahl said...

Totally hot. Martha was a lucky woman.

YinMetYang said...

"Wouldst thou like like to help me try out my new quilt?"

Jason the Absurdist said...

"Mightst I park my buggy behind thy barn for the night?"

"I did raise a barn today. But thou are the one raising wood presently."

"I'm not a Luddite. They're known for pounding hammers. I just want to pound you."

Brutalism said...

YMY - That was quick. Guessing you've heard that one before?

JTA - "park my buggy behind the barn" - awesome.

YinMetYang said...

Brutalism - haven't I ever told you that I write quilt jokes in my spare time? I've got a million of 'em.

Brutalism said...

YMY - I mean I bet you've heard the pick up line because it was used on you before. You had a crazy life before Steve...I'm sure of it.

YinMetYang said...

B - I've had a crazy life SINCE Steve, too!

Devon said...

ROFLMAO! Those were great. Love #5 and #4.