Monday, March 15, 2010

Laser? I Just Met Her.

It was a weird weekend. And not just because I spent part of it sitting in a room full of strangers wearing Saran Wrap underpants.

Or as I like to call it...Saturday.

Perhaps I should explain...

For a few years now, I've been thinking about getting laser hair removal for my most intimate of areas........my armpits. (Stop judging and let me know what your most intimate area is after 11 years of marriage. You have to get creative.)

Haters.

[Due to the sensitive nature of what I am sharing, the overuse of "air quotes" begins below. "Thanks."]

I'm actually referring to my "bikini area." I have been thinking about getting this lasered for a few years now and finally decided to go for it...in the blissfully ignorant way that I make most decisions that cost a lot of money and have the potential for extreme humiliation.

Turns out, this is no simple procedure...it is a process of six treatments over the course of a year. After filling out more paperwork than I had to complete at my house closing, I made an appointment for my first treatment. 

Based on the suggestion of the "medspa" where I'm having this done, I arrived an hour early to go into a room and apply numbing cream to my "area" and then wrap the entire area in plastic wrap and sit in a lounge they call the "Sanctuary" while the numbing cream took effect. (This "medspa" offers a variety of services that you'd never want anyone to know you're having...such as Botox and laser liposuction. It conveniently shares a lobby with the Little Gym...so every time I go, there is a good chance I will see the parents of one of my daughter's playmates who can speculate on which narcissistic/insane treatment I'm electing to have.)

I entered the "Sanctuary" which really consisted of three hard-backed chairs in a 6'x6' room (though it was dim and did have some spa music playing) and tried to position myself in a way that the other ladies in the room would not see my plastic underpants and also so that I did not shift and lose the underpants. On a relaxation scale, I would equate this to having your father-in-law read something you wrote about vaginas on the chalkboard in your kitchen or wetting your pants at work.

One interesting thing I noticed while sitting there was that the room in which I applied my numbing cream was right next door, and through the paper-thin walls, you could clearly hear any conversation between the numbing cream applicatee and the technician. As I tend to be overly chatty when I am uncomfortable or nervous, I recalled that when I was in there, I had asked the technician to repeat the procedure for creating Saran Wrap underpants and had also remarked, "Oh...so just like I do at home?" (I suppose they also heard the crickets chirping in the "Sanctuary.")

It felt like I was in the "Sanctuary" forever. And after a few women had cycled in and out, I finally turned on my cell phone to check the time and discovered that it was HALF AN HOUR after my appointment was to have taken place. I poked my head out of the "Sanctuary" door to look for someone and saw no one. So, in my robe, while holding up my Saran Wrap underpants and with a completely numb crotchal region, I began wandering the halls in search of anyone who could help, and found myself in the shared lobby. (And permanently off the play date list...)

They got me into a treatment room ASAP, which is when they really let me know who's boss, by TAKING A PICTURE of the "area to be treated" as a "before" photo. Honestly, this clinician had access to more than my husband did in our first five years of marriage.

The treatment itself took about ten minutes and was pretty painless. Or as painless as it could be while I was naked in a spread-eagle position on the table while wearing dark glasses to protect my eyes from the laser. 

I'm sexy.

So, every two months for the next year, I have this to look forward to.

I wonder if they make a cream to numb the shame?

37 comments:

Sean Scully said...

Really, Kathy, you should have turned this into a Dilettante group activity. Maybe you guys could have even learned to perform this procedure. Now THAT would be pure comic gold.

lacochran said...

Hahaha! The things we women do.

Brutalism said...

Sean - Nice thinking on the Dilettante activity. It's not too late...

lacochran - It is insane, isn't it? Although, they certainly have their fair share of male clients, too. (None of which were in the "Sanctuary", fortunately...

Bradford said...

Saw it on Youtube last night....

Anonymous said...

Well you really let it all hang out in this post. Congratulations for being brave enough to do so. I've always wondered about your kind. I bet you will never look at a box of plastic wrap the same again. Given your sanctuary experience I'm hoping you won't trigger post traumatic stress every time you pack up the leftovers or wrap Avery's sandwich for lunch.
Another great blog post! Loved the "Sanctuary." I will resist my natural instinct to do what you warned me against in paragraph 4. As you may know from my fb profile info I don't care if my armpit and leg hair grow long. So you can imagine what other regions are like. It's not pretty. I have written a funny scene in a story about a bikini wax experience. I'll call it "realistic fiction" as some of it is based on my first (and last) trip to an esthetician.
I went to great lengths to make sure I spelled that word correctly. Couldn't find it in my 1978 dictionary. Could it be that back then nobody had a need to spread hot wax on their pubic area and rip out the hair by its roots? Now we pay people to do it. Cool. Spell check doesn't recognize it either. But thanks to Google I now know how to spell it and I where I can attend school to learn this new art of pubic sculpting. I wonder if there's a special class in underwear construction.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I didn't mean to be "anonymous"

Brutalism said...

Bradford - Awesome. I always figured that would be my fate. I just figured that I'd make SOME money from it.

Anonymous - Wow. I so want to know who you are.

Bradford said...

I'll split the royalties with you...the guys over at Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom are giving you a shout out.....pinups are so World War II...you're the screensaver of choice.

Moooooog35 said...

I have a laser pointer and can probably get you cheaper rates.

Let me know. I will make house calls if necessary.

Brutalism said...

Bradford -- I'm a patriot. I do not hate freedom.

Moooooog -- Using a laser pointer on my "problem areas"? It will be like sorority rush all over again...

dilettante07 said...

Except in your day, the closest thing to a laser pointer was probably a glow stick. :)

I do think this would make a great dilettante activity. Much like the pole dancing class, I think it would be better to have drinks before the "activity".

ShutUpandRun said...

Wow, so many thoughts on this post. Just can't get the image of you spread eagle with the glasses on. I think the "before" picture (air quotes) should be your christmas card this year.

Brutalism said...

Tante - Actually...I think in my day, the villagers had torches. It really is not too late to make this a next dilettante activity. With many drinks before.

ShutUp & Run - Since you gave me such an excellent idea for the Christmas card, I'll be sure to put you on the list. (Talk about not getting an image out of your head...) AIEEE.

Dilettard07 said...

They offer this service for men? Hot diggety dog!

Brutalism said...

Tard - Can't wait, can you? You're totally gonna dig the Sanctuary.

Anna Lefler said...

First of all, I'll be needing some of that "shame numbing" creme, please - STAT!

Loved this post and loved you for having the, um, not "rocks" but let's say "labia" to go for this gutsy procedure.

;-) Anna

JenBC said...

I am awestruck for so many reasons.

I'm thinking that retail location needs a nice bar, maybe a cougar hangout, to round out the medispa, and Little Gym offerings.

Thanks for sharing. Really.

Brutalism said...

Anna - Please do not take this the wrong way, but the "medspa" may be able to do something about that she-stache. And I agree -- shame numbing cream could be a multi-million dollar idea. Though I suppose beer achieves the same result.

JenBC - You are a true business woman. We could also open another branch of Merkin's Cleaners in the same plaza...as those using the "medspa" services would very likely also need merkins at some point. Just a thought.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I think us ladies need medals for the shit we put up with in the name of grooming. Sadistic tiny women with a glint in their eye, tearing the hair off of your private areas with gusto, laser hair removal involving kama sutra positions or shaving with a haphazard blade that can leave your business looking like a chemo patient mid-treatment. We are just AWESOME.

And your experience sounded excruciating, yet very entertaining. You know, for US.

Straight Guy said...

Dark safety glasses because the laser might drift from your crotch to your FACE? I'd think they need to up their safety procedures. Either that, or you have invented a new chapter for the Kama Sutra.

Ali said...

Best. Post. Ever.

And I've figured out how I will once again manage to get through another year without saving a significant amount of money.

Thanks, Brutalism! *cheesy grin and two thumbs up*

Brutalism said...

VA - I know. It seems ridiculous. But is also seems less tedious and ridiculous than shaving for the rest of my life...so we'll see. Glad you're entertained. You certainly entertain me a lot.

Straight Guy - I blame the lawyers. Mainly because I blame them for everything. I think that any time you're in a room with a laser, you have to wear the dumb glasses. What I mean is -- yes -- I have invented a new chapter of the Kama Sutra. I'm much more interesting now, aren't I?

Brutalism said...

Ali - Thanks! And if I can be the impetus for one more woman humiliating herself and paying through the nose for the privilege...then I have accomplished what I set out to do. Godspeed!

Lovey Sunshine said...

Sanchez, I just trimmed some Azalea bush's and thought of you. Right now the word verification to get this posted is "dinglyz". Heh heh

dori said...

The "experts" say that my "business area" hair is too blonde for laser removal. I'd actually have to get it dyed, then lasered. Imagine the looks I'd get in the salon. Extra-numbing shame cream for me, please!

MrClod said...

But you never told us what shape...

Brutalism said...

Lovey - dinglyz - ha ha ha - should be your next band name. As opposed to danglyz - which should be your next porn name.

Dori - They mentioned that when I first went to learn about this procedure. If you have red, blonde, or gray hair (on your head) and the "carpet matches the drapes", then it may not work for you. Extra-numbing shame cream indeed. Holy crap.

MrClod - Have you no decency? I would never share such personal details. (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha snort)

dilettante07 said...

Anyone who knows Brutalism well enough wouldn't have to ask the shape. It will obviously be a unicorn.

Brutalism said...

Tante -- Awwww....you really DO know me.

Miss Spoken said...

Yes, they do have something for the shame. I call it vodka. And it's funny you mentioned saran wrap panties 'cause that's what I like to wear when I'm swilling it from the bottle while watching Rock of Love re-runs.

Those girls really have no class.

kiki said...

tell you what though, i had a girlfriend who had this done (before i met her) and i can vouch, from a male perspective, that it is so awesome

Brutalism said...

Miss Spoken - You speak my language (re plastic panties, swilling from a bottle and watching Rock of Love).
I really think I should package alcohol as "shame number" and see how it sells. Product re-positioning worked for "The Secret", after all.

Kiki -- Good to know that it will be worth it. (Did your nephew like that girlfriend better than you, too?)

kiki said...

he probably wouldn't have, she was a bit precious and quite a lot older...

LivingDeadNurse said...

good grief...your more of a woman than me i don't think i could get the nerve to do that...lol

Brutalism said...

LDN - I honestly had no idea what I was getting into. No wonder they make you pay up front. This post was my public service annoucement.

MommaKiss said...

I think I'll stick with the razor burn. Bald is beautiful, tho!

Lola said...

Oh my gosh, sounds embarrassing, but the way you write about it is so funny. -Lola http://www.happinessinspiration.blogspot.com