Me: Okay...so I just peed my pants. Well, not like that, exactly. I got knee surgery last week and have a whole lot of contorting to do in the bathroom stall as a result...and I end up hovering way above the toilet. Anyway, my aim was apparently wayyyy off and there are two large, round, wet areas on the back of one of me jeans legs. And they smell like pee (mainly because they are). And I have to go chat with my boss soon and I have no idea what to do. I sent an emergency message to a friend of mine who works across the hall to see if she has perfume or lotion that I can use to mask it. I also just spent about ten minutes back in the bathroom blotting. I don't want to walk around too much to air out because it is quite obvious. Why do I feel like my first grade self when I was wearing all purple for picture day and my mom got called to bring me dry tights (ahem) and the only color that was clean was red...so in my school picture I'm in an all-purple outfit with red tights.
Scott: Cigarette lighter? Once in a rare moon I've been hammered enough to catch the side of my fly while going to the bathroom...not a big deal unless you start peeing before you whip it completely out. Nothing waving a cigarette lighter under for a minute or two won't help. Urine evaporated pretty quick. Can't speak to the smell. Just tell the boss you have kidney disease. IMPORTANT. Keep the lighter moving if you don't want to ignite your drawers.
Me: Re-read this sentence that was part of my earlier
e-mail...apparently, I'm a pants-wetting pirate: "Anyway, my aim was apparently wayyyy off and there are two large, round, wet areas on the back of one of me jeans legs" Thanks for the suggestion...I'm afraid that would raise more eyebrows if I asked someone for their lighter. I did get scented lotion and slathered about a ton of it up and down my arms...that's pretty much all you can smell right now.
Scott: Or a piss-sodden leprechaun. "Oh looky tere, she wet her fook'n pants'
Me: Incidentally, today is the first day in about a gazillion years that I am going straight out from work instead of picking my kid up and going home first. Which means I will be wearing my pee-pee pants to the hairdresser where she will be working in close proximity to me for a couple of hours as she colors my hair. This is a great day!!!
Scott: go for broke and shit yerself.