I'm a Loo-ser, Baby, So Why Don't You Kill Me

It's no secret I'm a bit of a Dilettante, so in the areas of life where I feel I have full comprehension and mastery, I perhaps revel in it a bit too much, and then rest on my proverbial laurels.

Take toilets, for example. 

Toilets, I get: Use for intended purpose. Keep clean. Expert level achieved. 

Until you are required to go shopping for a new one for the first time in years and learn in the time you've been out of the toilet buying game, the entire industry has metamorphosed into something you don't recognize with added "features" and "engaging video content" and hyperbolized claims of what toilets can do.          

To wit:

Do I want the "no slam" seat...

...or the "slow close" seat?
(I mean, it's a $30 value - what have you
done for me lately "no slam" seat?)

Do I want a toilet that can accommodate 

seven billiard balls in a single flush...

(Yes, yes I do want this. Badly.)

...or one that can accommodate a

bucket of golf balls in a single flush?

(Talk about Sophie's Choice)

Aside: My mother has shared an adorable anecdote from when I was very young and our family of four was living in a tiny apartment with one bathroom. She walked by that bathroom one morning and heard the following from me: 

        "Bye bye, barrettes >flush<, Bye bye, socks >flush< Bye bye..."                              Mom runs into bathroom and prevents rubber ducky/bathroom scale/sister from meeting same fate.

I forgave her for being a fun-ruiner just as she forgave me for having our one bathroom out of commission until she could find an emergency plumber. 

Another aside: I am currently reading Sophie's Choice. It is extremely well-written and I appreciate the book, but cannot seem to get past about 100 pages. I don't know, perhaps digging into a heart-wrenchingly depressing book in the midst of a global pandemic was not the best idea. 

And yet another aside: Without getting too graphic, what diet necessitates toilets able to flush insane amounts of sports balls? 

And finally - to the people who have made developing content, video production, and marketing their life's work: kudos for adding this little gem to your resume:

"Never Compromise™ - it's the most perfect flush, yet!

They take flush power, bowl cleanliness, and toilet design to the leading edge!

Aquapiston ® technology! Cleancoat™ technology! ReadyLock™ System!"

So many technologies! And systems!

This was part of the display at the toilet store. 

To enjoy the video in its entirety, go here.

(Hmmm...why does Revolution 360 sound so familiar?)