Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I got bupkes

Check out my latest column on the Oakton Patch here about deciding on a theme song to introduce me at my nephew's bar mitzvah next month.

a) I'm not Jewish
b) I have no idea which song to use
c) I love this because life really should be more like a musical. (Apparently, my boss does not share this sentiment because he frowned upon my singing and use of jazz hands during our webinar this morning.)

Help a sister out,

Monday, July 23, 2012

Some candy walks into a bar...

I decided yesterday that the reason we don't have a second child is that I have exactly one round of enthusiasm for theme parks, kindergarten graduations and schlepping-to-soccer-practices in me. I'm loving every minute of this stuff with our daughter, but really don't even think I could fake it if I had to do it over again. Come to think of it, it appears that I can barely muster enthusiasm for this go-round.

Judge me if you will, I know my limits.

So I'm content in knowing that our family trip to Hershey Park yesterday will be the one and only time we go there. And it was great. Especially because I never have to go there again. Oh -- I'm so cruel -- please take a look at the 49 million theme parks my child has been to in her six years.

When we were planning to go to Hershey, I showed my daughter some photos from the web site, which is when she announced vehemently that she "was not going to take a picture with a giant candy bar, because that is weird." Which was fine with me. Although she completely changed her tune (not the first time) the nano-second she realized Hershey makes her favorite candy bar:

You'll notice that she is holding a stuffed animal that her father just won for her playing Whac-a-Mole. As we were walking by a game that was just about to begin, Avery said that she wanted to play so Canetto plunked down two dollars and handed Avery the mallet. Avery then got performance anxiety and handed the mallet to Tim as the buzzer went off. He pounded away and hit 150 points first -- and won a little monkey for our little monkey. She was thrilled and he was feeling pretty good about himself until I pointed out the fact that the other three competitors were in the 10-12 year age range -- something he did not notice until I said, "Hey -- great job, there, Kramer."

Actually, maybe that is the reason we don't have a second child...

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Better pack my smoking jacket...

The following is a recent e-mail conversation among me and two friends I have known since we were about seven. We did not really start hanging out until high school, at which time there were lots of shenanigans. And by "shenanigans" I of course mean "drinking."

I am going to Va. Beach (where I grew up) to visit my Mom in a couple of weeks, and wanted to see these guys who also live there, as it has been way too long since we've gotten together.

And now we're all grown up and married with children. Although in some ways, nothing has really changed since high school:

Old Friend #1: Sounds like my wife would like us to host at the house - and it would be easier for the kids to sneak beer out of the garage fridge this way. So who is ok with that plan on the 28th? I can also introduce you to the new TV. We can go with a Fifty Shades of Grey theme or a theme of "wear your favorite Made in China Olympic gear."

Brutalism: 28th is good here. And thank you so much for hosting. I figure one more visit to your house and we'll have almost a complete set of silver...
We'll bring drinks and dessert and butt plugs if we go with theme Option 1. If we go with theme option 2, we'll bring Chinese-made Olympic gear in addition to food and drinks...and probably still butt plugs, which add a touch of whimsy and fun to any gathering (IMHO). What is everyone drinking these days? Beer? Wine? Spirits? Can I find out how many drinks it takes Old Friend #2 to call 911 on himself?

Old Friend #2: My wife just said, "Great...just great. They're bringing the butt plugs, now what in the hell are we supposed to bring?”

Puttin' a cork in it,