Yuck-tacular (Thanks for the Headline, Amanda)

I.Could.Not.Make.This.Stuff.Up
A former boss of mine e-mailed me this morning, asking if I would want to model for a sleepwear catalog that he photographs. Um?

And I Did It All In An Ethel Merman Voice, Too

Avery is currently in love with a book called "The Terrible Underpants."

We have to read it as many as three times in a row at bedtime. It's a story about a girl (Wanda-Linda) and her pet wombat (Glenda) and the fact that Wanda-Linda needs to get dressed for school and cannot find any nice underpants to wear, so she is forced to wear the "terrible" underpants (they are baggy and stretched out and have a juice stain on them). (For the record, the baggy and stretched out I can understand...but how does one get a juice stain on their underpants?)

Anyway...she loves this book. And this morning as we were driving to school, she asked me to SING "The Terrible Underpants."

So, I sang it. I came up with a tune and sang the story of the Terrible Underpants. It must have been okay, because Avery was laughing her head off in the back seat.

Well, Those People Are Idiots

Some people may think it's a great idea to go to Virginia Beach and back with a toddler, then shop for party food and stay up late prepping it, then go for a 10-mile run the next morning and not bother to nap or eat much afterward or for the rest of the day because they are busy setting up for the party. These people might then think that drinking several glasses of champagne followed up by several glasses of red wine and very little to eat makes a lot of sense.

Fun While It Lasted

According to my alumni profile on the GMU web site, I am now a widow.
Yes, it creeped me out a little yesterday when I saw that. Tim's profile was deleted completely and mine now lists me as a widow.
Either there is a technological glitch that changed only my marital status, or someone is messing around with me. Either way...eeeewwww.

Sphincter-rific!

I went to my OB/GYN yesterday for my annual appointment.

He and his nurse are very, very nice. She always remembers that I refer to Tim as "Canetto" and says "be sure to tell Canetto I said Hi". The doctor has five daughters of his own that we talk about and always greets me with a kiss on the cheek and asks all about Avery. He's a big teddy bear kind of a guy. It's just a very friendly office.

Oh, and then he sticks his thumb up my butt.

This began at last year's appointment. I was shocked. I finally got up the courage to talk to the dilettantes about it (nope...they'd never had that happen) and one lucky guy friend (hey there, Scott -- we've got no boundaries, do we?) and cannot figure out why the doctor does this. I'm sure there's a medical reason, but don't know what it would be and cannot find information anywhere. And if you think I'm going to ASK HIM about this -- well, not in this lifetime.

With A Dis To The Ney

Oh, Disney -- you had a chance to try and prove yourself. You started out strong. The first day we got there, we swam in the pool and went to dinner at one of the top places in the resort compound (Artist's Point at the Wilderness Lodge -- Tim had buffalo steak, I had salmon and Stone Mill organic pale ale) and had fantastic service all around. It all went downhill from there. As a marketing person, I'm totally impressed by the marketing machine. As a human being, I'm totally conflicted by who they're marketing to and what they're marketing. And the service sucked after the first day (Shocking, right?) I was actually giving Tim examples to use in his workshop and also plan to write a nasty-gram to the management about the character dinner. (other than the fact that Avery LOVED it....it sucked.) Anyway...I am still resolute in my hatred in all things Disney (#4 below aside...sheesh...I am a mom, too.)

Highlights:

1) After Canetto took Avery to change her diaper moments before the Nemo show began...they came back into the auditorium and Avery announced loudly to me and about six surrounding rows, "Daddy went pee-pee"
2) The absolute thrill my child got out of meeting the Disney characters at the character dinner we went to last night. (Tim was in class, so it was just us girls.) Avery could not have been more excited. She confided in each character as though they went way back. To Goofy, she did a run-down of all the rides she went on that day -- and showed him her Goofy tattoo. She made us stay there through two cycles of character visits and kept saying to me, "just one more." She was such a big girl and hugged them and talked to them all by herself. Plus, she managed almost a smirk in one picture.
3) The Dumbo ride. Only because she will name this as her absolute favorite thing about going to Disney. (Although, we secretly know it was the Mickey Mouse ice cream.)
4) I freaking succumbed and bought her pink and purple Mickey Mouse Crocs. The holes on the top part are Mickey Mouse heads. I also bought her $20 worth of charms for these. What can I say? I was under the spell. (Hey...at least I can rationalize the fact that I bought her something she will USE.)
5) She was a gem and and angel and everything else good you can say about a kid when we traveled. Loved the plane and talked to the people we sat next to and explained how the plane took off and went "really, really high" and then came "back down really, really low". Then, when we were landing and it got a little bumpy, she asked if I would snuggle her. (My heart? Gone. Melted all over the place.) She also entertained with a lound rendition of "on top of spaghetti" as we were both taking off and landing.
6) Every morning, my kiddo would wake up and walk around the hotel room, surveying, with her hands on her hips. She'd say to me, "I need stuff" and would not be satisfied until I gave her the stuff we needed for the day that she packed into her stroller.
7) She was a total champ the two days we went to theme parks. Did a nine-hour day at Magic Kingdom (she power napped for 30 minutes during a ride) and then a seven-hour day at Animal Kingdom (again, only a 30 minute power nap during a show) and was perfect the rest of the day.
8) Avery calling Pluto "Fluto" -- could not correct her because she was too cute.
9) The people. We met some of the nicest and most interesting people. Kids are the great introducer, I swear. Even at the character dinner, I was chatting up people sitting all around us, which is WWWWAAAAYYYY out of character for me. I loved that aspect of it.
10) The parades.
11) Flying Jet Blue. What a great airline.
12) Getting stuck in the Haunted Mansion ride for five minutes. It scared the crap out of me. Suddenly, the ride just stopped and a robotic voice came on apologizing for the delay. This voice repeated the same message over and over for five minutes. All the while, I was sitting in pitch black all by myself. Eerie. (They let parents with small children do a switch-off for rides like this, so you don't have to stand in line twice. It's awesome. I went through, came out and Tim handed off the kid and got to go to the front of the line.)
13) Fast pass for the rides. The only way to do it.
14) Ramming the stroller into a women's achilles tendon who had cut in front of us in line. I'm so junior high. I don't regret it for a second.

Really, really fun family trip. Great way to do it as a lot of costs were covered by Tim's work and Avery's park admission was free.

P.S. Why don't YOU have a magical day, Disney wake-up call creepy robotic voice?

It's Kath-leen, not Kath-a-leen

Avery also says "brace-a-let" and "duck-a-ling." Upside: we won't have to pay to send her to gifted school.

Another Item For My List of Things I Want To Do At Some Point In My Life

Our hot IT director (I don't know why I always feel compelled to call her this...probably because it's true and such an anomaly) just came back from seeing two fashion shows in NYC for Fashion Week.

She told us about the famous people she saw, how cool the clothes were, and just how exciting the whole experience was. Also, she mentioned that the shows are about 15-20 minutes long -- perfect for someone with my attention span.

It's on the list.

Vanity Fair Party

The legendary Vanity Fair Oscar party has been CANCELLED this year. Wow.
Oh, well -- it was going to be the first year in a new location, anyway, since the West Hollywood Morton's was sold last year. Not the same party.

When we went out there for the party one year, I had specifically called the hotel ahead of time to find out if there was a blow dryer in the room so I wouldn't have to pack one. They assured me there was. The night of the party, we were running late and I had taken a shower and tried to use the hair dryer and it would not work. It was one of those wall-mounted deals where you always have to press different buttons to get it working. So, I tried pressing buttons and putting it back on the wall bracket and picking it up again...nothing was working. Indignantly, I called down to the front desk and demanded that they send someone up to check it out. I'm sure I mentioned at some point that I had specifically called the hotel ahead of time and had to be somewhere important -- I was definitely in bitch mode.

A few minutes later, the manager knocked at the door. He walked into the bathroom, looked at the dryer, looked back at me with utter disgust on his face, and turned around and plugged in the dryer and strode wordlessly out of our room.

Tim and I were convinced that at some point the management was going to come back and issue us some soft helments to wear for the duration of our stay.

I Want These Cheekbones

After Watching Me Do This A Million Times, She Realized She Could Do It, Too

I'm Just Hoping I Get Hit By A Truck Or Have A Massive Coronary Like My Grandfather. Lucky Bastard.

A line from one of Jimmy's e-mails today. He's a little down lately.
(Thank you, Captain Obvious.)

Planning Ahead

You'd think that after more than two years of this parenting gig, we might be a little better prepared for, I don't know...HAVING A KID.

We routinely go out to dinner, take road trips, and go places without anything to keep our active toddler occupied.

Until today. Today marks a vast change in parenting strategy. I went to the store and bought an assortment of toys and treats and stuff to keep the little Pants occupado on the airplane on Friday. More for our own sake than for the sake of the other passengers. (I figure that a flight to Orlando is bound to have its fair share of small, noisy children.)

This is Avery's third flight. The first was when she was two months old and we went to Key West and Miami. Then, last spring, we went to New Orleans. That was a memorable flight. I was dressed in a suit, because the minute we landed, I had to be at a television station to be interviewed for our Hurricane Katrina project. Tim was dressed a lot more casually. He was wearing jeans and taking care of Avery for most of the trip. (I kept referring to him as my "manny" -- which he was a lot more okay with than when I kept referring to him as my "baby daddy" early in Avery's life.) About mid-way through our flight, with Avery on his lap, Tim realized that Avery's diaper was leaking...and he had a huge wet spot on the front of his jeans. Of course, he did not want to get up and go change her and have the entire plane see his pants. So, in my suit, I took the kid back to the airplane bathroom in her soaking wet clothes and proceeded to change her diaper and her clothes -- while trying to prevent her from touching anything and working in that ridiculously tiny space.

These are the things that no one tells you about before you have a kid.

Happy 12th Anniversary Of Our First Date, Canetto

And how fitting that we spent part of it at the Patriot Center (go Mason!)

February 2, 1996 -- Groundhog Day:

There was a MAJOR snowstorm and we had met for happy hour at the (no longer in existence) Don Pablo's in Oakton. A woman came up and gave us tickets she had to the Alabama concert at the Patriot Center -- she was not going to go because of the weather and asked if we'd use them.

Armed with a six-pack of Rolling Rock and a disposable camera, we headed to the Patriot Center with our Alabama tickets and a sense of adventure.

The opening band missed the concert because they were stuck in the snow somewhere. So, we got to see Alabama perform about three songs and then the concert was over. From there, we went out in Old Town Fairfax (to T.T. Reynolds for some food, and then some bar that is no longer there to play pool). Then, we went back to my apartment in Centreville, where I made you sleep on the couch while I slept upstairs in my bedroom. (Not even sanitizing this in case mom reads it -- it's the truth. Selective morality even back then.) The next morning, we got up and went to breakfast where we made plans for Valentine's Day and your birthday (February 17th) and just sort of became a couple from the day of our first date. (Well, and after knowing each other for almost eight months in business school/counseling each other through our respective break-ups/going out with groups of friends several times.)

Thanks for 12 great years. (Well, more like 11 great years, 8 so-so months, and 4 god-awful months). Just kidding. They've all been great -- or at least manageable with a lot of booze.

You're the best -- our kid is the best -- and our lives are pretty damn good. I love you.

Take My Wife....Please!

A few years ago, Tim was a groomsman in his friend, Chip's, wedding.

Chip got all of the groomsmen really nice clock radios from Brookstone as a gift. It even had "nature noises" on it that you could play to soothe you to sleep. There was a babbling brook, birds singing and our personal favorite, chirpring crickets.

Tim and I would tell the worst jokes we could think of and then push the "chirping crickets" button and die laughing.

You'd think that would get old, huh?

Not a chance.