Friday, December 18, 2009

Different Day

Often, when I read the daily report from Avery’s preschool listing all of the fun activities, nap time and snacks, I think, “I want to go there.”

And then there are the days when it feels like I do.

Like earlier this week, when the phantom pooper in our office struck again.

We are all (chronologically) adults here and I feel that there really is no reason to leave bodily yuck anywhere in the shared bathroom at work. Apparently, I am alone in this radical thought in the world of female government consulting professionals.

Unsuspectingly, as I walked into the restroom a few mornings ago, I pushed open a stall door and was greeted by the sight of a huge smear of poop on the toilet seat. (To frame this properly, please envision your favorite horror movie…the ominous music that begins to play as the hapless victim is about to come upon something horrific. Then, the music leads to a crescendo as the door slowly opens and the victim begins to process the nightmare that they are seeing.)

I ran out of there so fast, you’d have thought someone told me that Leonardo DiCaprio had finally tired of twenty-something supermodels and was waiting for me in my office.

I spent the rest of the day suppressing my gag reflex and going down three floors when I needed to use the restroom. Until late in the day, when I had put it out of my mind and thoughtlessly walked back into the restroom on our floor. Where I was again greeted by something I did not expect: an angry (all caps! exclamation points!) sign on the offending stall door that read, “CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF! THIS IS DISGUSTING AND NOT ACCEPTABLE!”

It’s not that I don’t completely agree with the message (I do.). It’s just that the furious sign writer had taken the time to add the flourish of a clip-art toilet on their sign. In my opinion, this is not only redundant but also takes some of the “zing” out of the strong wording.

Such a waste,


Doug W said...

That made me shudder...Thanks!!

T1T2 said...

Jaja.. Priceless!

Dilettard07 said...

I really feel bad for the folks who clean bathrooms.

And phantom shitters are a widespread problem. My studies have shown that there are both various psychoses and those more prone to such accidents. In the latter case, why they don't feel the need to clean up after themselves is a major question. So perhaps they have psych issues, too.

In college, one morning everyone on my hall was greeted to a steaming pile in the sink. Yes, the sink. Turns out such had happened in a different dorm the year before (including in stairwells, etc.). The person who most suspected of perpetrating this poopscapade was later expelled for other (I think violently threatening someone--perhaps a staff person) reasons. He was psychopathic, frankly. I wish I could remember his last name. I'd Google him. Paul Something--I'll come up with it. There's no reason to shield his privacy.

Professionally there was a case that I worked on at my old office. Fortunately after I left. I spent the better part of a day on Skype with one of my old colleagues trying to figure out the whys, hows, and possible suspects for an incident where not only was there a little mud monkey on the floor, but the turd had been stepped in and tracked down the hall a bit before the trail went cold.

The main suspect had also likely caused a rather smelly mess in our Jakarta office, according to my friend who was out there at the time.

The human animal is a mysterious one.

JenBC said...

"What a waste" made me laugh out loud. I enjoy your sign offs and blog titles tremendously.

A poopy situation for sure. But I admire the way you went from gagging reflexively to analyzing the editorial signage. I dare you to enhance the art with a poop smear. Purely for sake of accuracy, of course.

Oh dear. What if the perp goes one better? (Or worse, depending on your perspective). And uses the sign to tidy the stall. Oh dear.

JenBC said...

Uh. Guess I should use Preview before posting. Meant to dare you to enhance the art using a brown marker or crayon of course, to achieve the smear effect. Ack.

Brutalism said...

JenBC - No worries. I knew what you meant. (Sicko.)

Tard -- "poopscapade" -- Yes! We had a phantom pooper at NRA for a while when I worked there. They found one "expression of love" on the elevator. Is that protected by the Constitution?

NoShare - You're welcome. I take it you're off chocolate pudding for a while?

Miss Mariposa - : 0 )

Fragrant Liar said...

Gag me.

We have a "mad pee-er" in our office (of all women). For some reason, she must hover over the toity and then leaves droplets on the toilet seat -- and it's my favorite stall!

I hate her.

Doug W said...

Not off Chocolate pudding per se' but I am definitely off of Starfish Pie!

Brutalism said...

Fragrant Liar - Ack! Make an angry sign. (No clip art.)

NoShare - Wow. There goes the gag reflex again.

Moooooog35 said...

Merry Christmas, Mr. Janitor!

The Absurdist said...

This sort of thing never happens in a men's bathroom. You never walk in and notice a smear of poo on the toilet seat.

It may well be there but most men's rooms are so poorly maintained you'd never know it.

Thank $DEITY for external plumbing.

PS: I can't stop giggling at this post. Yup, 30*mubmle* going on 13.

PPS: Verification word "dipiatin" which sounds like something you could use to either clean up or treat a poopscapade.