Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Brutalism's Holiday Gift Guide 2013

During the month of December, my car radio is tuned to the all-Christmas-music station, I love to receive Christmas cards and holidays letters and I adore the gift guides posted by some of my favorite bloggers. Last year, I even swallowed the small bit of pride I still have and drove around with this all season.

So to share this (uncharacteristically cheery) spirit with others, I am, for the first time ever, providing my very own gift suggestions, Brutalism-style:

Brutalism's First Annual Holiday Gift Guide (the 2013 edition):

1. An empty box. Sure, we've all kidded that after spending gobs of money on toys the kids actually prefer the boxes in which they come. What I didn't realize is that these boxes are now a commodity that go for upward of $20. I would suggest that you do not purchase this, but that you instead save any gift boxes from overpriced 18" doll crap your kids receive this year and fund the holidays for your family next year. You're welcome.

2. Pretty much anything from Stupid.com. I buy all of my daughter's stocking stuffers from this site because there is nothing more magical than the joy and wonderment on a youngster's face Christmas morning when they realize their stocking is filled with (fake) dog doo. (Why just last night, a fine gift from Stupid.com was presented to me by a fellow Dilettante:)
Lederhosen! For beer! This is the best Christmas, ever!
3. Mensch on a Bench. Sue me, Hanukkah has been over for weeks. This sold out early this year, so this is a reminder to pre-order for 2014. Now Jews can experience the same level of guilt as the Christians when it comes to forgetting to position the mensch in some clever tableau every.single.night. Because let's face it...what do Jews know from guilt?
Oedipus....Schmedipus....at least he spends time with his mother.
4. One Direction perfume. If only this had been around in Marilyn Monroe's time so when a probing reporter asked her what she wore to bed, she could have answered "Our Moment" instead of the (trite), "Chanel No. 5."
I know what you're wondering: a) I'm Team Zayn and b) All I wear to bed is Derek Jeter's Driven cologne.
5. Dorothy Parker cocktail plates and coasters.  You gotta love Dorothy Parker. And eating off plates featuring some of her famous phrases probably makes you feel exactly like you're hanging with her at the Algonquin...
...okay, probably not.
6. Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. So we can have a competition over how long we own this and never get past page 15 due to the overwhelming volume of this tome and the footnote-palooza that is his writing. I know, I know... I need to read it.
I also need an attention span. And so you know: it's been three years now...
7. Fancy cigarette holder. I don't smoke. I've never smoked. I don't like smoking. I have, however, had occasion to need a fancy cigarette holder numerous times (see: Brutalism profile picture in blog header). In just the past few months, I attended a Mad Men-themed party and a Roaring 20s murder mystery party, both of which required this accessory:
Guessing Mr. Brutalism is feeling pret-ty silly right now for referring
to the cigarette holder purchase as "frivolous."
8.  Bounty Bars. I ask for these every year, as they are the most delicious candy bar on the planet. (Interesting aside: this was also Saddam Hussein's favorite candy bar - he had stashed several in his hideout that were discovered when he was captured.) Related: I share a favorite joke with Hitler.
Perhaps now is a good time to reconsider this gift guide considering my shared
tastes and preferences.

9.  The funniest blog you're not reading. This is my gift to you and your gift to yourself. These guys are so funny and I would visit their blog more often if I could remember the damn order of the Points and Counterpoints in the blog title. Read this blog. Follow it. Like them on Facebook. You can thank me with Bounty bars.
Seriously, Guys. Ever hear of an acronym?
10.  The Alphabutt CD. This contains lyrics such as "A is for apple, B is for butt, C is for cat butt, D is for doo-doo...." Your small child will memorize these lyrics, write them on her white board, and play the CD (loudly) for every person that steps foot in your house including young, impressionable friends; babysitters; grandparents; and the Derek Jeter Driven cologne delivery guy. The child receiving this will love you. Everyone else will hate you.

Hope you all have a peaceful, healthy, happy, fun and kindness-filled holiday season and new year,

UPDATE: And of course, thank you to DC Blogs for mentioning me in DC Blogs Noted. DC Blogs is the bounty bar in my foxhole. (If you will.)


Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

Garsh! I believe this is the first time that either Pat or I have ever been put on a gift guide. Thank you very much. I can't wait to update my Linkedin profile.

And remember Brutalism readers, PCPPP (<- acronym), is a gift that keeps on giving the whole year round.

Also, coincidentally, we'll be launching our new cologne next year. It's called Peformativity and it smells like panther hair.

Pickleope said...

Yep, "a gift that keeps on giving", just like herpes.

Pickleope said...

I've never heard of Bounty bars, but this must be rectified. If it's good enough for a brutal murderous dictator, then it has to be good enough for me.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant. And Bounty Bars ARE THE BEST EVER!!!!

Brutalism said...

Christian a PCP@&Q!X - The acronym still contains too many Ps and Cs -- call it PCP and I will remember it. Maybe PCP cubed?

Wasn't there a panther cologne in Anchorman? Is it yours?

PVP - I suggest enjoying them with 72 virgins.

Phnx65 - People either seem to love or hate the coconut. I knew I could count on you (and Saddam) to have good taste.