Flatizzalicious

I'm pretty much anti-fast-food-restaurant. And not just because of the lack of nutritional value, the trying-to-hook-future-customers-by-marketing-to-kids or even that "burgers" are really a euphemism for "extruded pink slime."

No. My aversion stems primarily from this:

No. Just no.

When I posted this abomination on Facebook, my outrage was shared by many like-minded friends, one of whom provided this link to a Jezebel article, which perfectly captured the reasons for my hostility toward the Flatizza.

Another of my brilliant friends noted that this was "in the wake of the complete failure of the PizzOrb(TM)." Which totally summed up what is the dumbest part of this Frankenstein word -- it doesn't even make sense - by design, pizzas are flat. It is a redundant, stupid product name. (Worse yet? You know that a summer intern didn't just roll in hungover and come up with that. It was decided over the course of many months, focus groups and overpaid marketing executives' business lunches. "Flatizza" was decided by well-compensated committee.) (Note to self: immediately look for job on well-compensated marketing committee.)

As you may imagine, it took a while for my blood pressure to finally re-enter the normal range after learning that Flatizza was part of my new reality. And it stayed there until I recently ended up at a large chain restaurant with my boss on our way back to the office after a meeting. As this restaurant specializes in massive servings of high-calorie desserts, I was at first happy to see that they offered some healthy options for lunch....

...until I realized that the healthy items were included in a pull-out menu of their own and that each healthy item was referred to as "Skinnylicious." Meaning that even though I really wanted a salad, I was not about to order the "Skinnylicious California salad."

I ordered an omelet,
Brutalism