In other news...
My latest humor column about a recent trip to New York City is up at the Oakton Patch. Check it out here.
And here's the rest of the (not quite as family-friendly) story that did not make the Patch:
I spent last weekend in New York City with my mom and my five-year-old daughter. And several bottles of wine that our hotel kept giving us in an attempt to keep us in our room so that their complimentary wine hour would remain child-free. Now that I know this, I may reverse my decision to stop at one (child that is...not bottle of wine.)
I organized a get-together Friday night so that we could get a quick visit with friends and family who live in the area, which is how we ended up with a party that included my cousin, a friend who did a semester in London with me during college, one of my husband's friends from high school, and a kid I used to babysit who is now married with children of his own. In retrospect, I probably should have also invited a rabbi and a priest, just to round out the joke in the re-telling of this story.
During dinner, I asked what everyone had planned for the rest of the weekend. My friend, Dori, mentioned that she was taking her seven-year-old daughter and her daughter's friend, Ben to the movies and would therefore be chaperoning their "date." I said, "Oh...that is so cute...or at least it would be if Ben wasn't 42." As I was worrying that I may have crossed a line, my friend, Rob, jumped in and added, "Yeah...but he has great candy." And then we all had a hearty laugh about pedophilia, the way good friends who don't get to see each other often will do.
On Saturday, we met my friend, Meredith, for breakfast. Somehow, this happened as we were waiting in line for the restroom at the restaurant:
which caused the woman standing in line behind us to ask, "you're not from around here, are you?"
Afterwards, we strolled around Rockefeller Center, and the NBC Studio store, where Meredith and I yelled loudly to each other across the store, "Here's that Biggest Loser Team Bob Christmas ornament you've been looking for" and "Here's that Dunder Mifflin snow globe you've had your eye on."
After twenty years of friendship, it really never gets old.
During all of this, my daughter found a combination fan/candy thing (a battery-operated fan that held Skittles in the handle, WTF?) that I promptly named "Fandy!" She asked if she could have it, so I agreed because Hey! We were on vacation. I got into the 40-person line behind people who actually were buying the Team Bob Christmas ornaments, and finally got up to the register where they rung up my purchase, and I realized that Fandy! cost $7.99.
Sheesh. For eight bucks, I could have gone one block over and received a lap dance from an aging Rockette.
It was a non-stop weekend and a truly memorable one.
At least everything that happened before all of the free wine.
Fine I am posting here instead of FB. Mainly because I hate when people don't comment on my shit which is unfortunately quite often (can you not do something often?). I have people FB me all the time with comments about my column but how do you tell them that doesn't really help me when showing my blog to prospective employers in order to show the traffic I will bring to their site. Eh. that sentence needs some help but screw it, my editor is on break. So controlTv is over, please tell the little one I am sorry I can't give her a shout out anymore. Another season will be coming though and I am hopeful they will ask me back. that is if I am not in Charlotte by then. Like how I basically turned your comment section into an email I was going to write to you. Two birds with one stone Canetto, that's always been my motto (yeah have fun with this one, I set it on a tee for you). Oh and you will have to have a few more kids not only for the free wine but also because I don't want to pass you in numbers after coming out of the gate so late myself. Well at least I will have a babysitter (Ave) by the time I pop 'em out. What in the hell am I talking about?
I need that industrial sized TP for my house. Except that it's like sandpaper on the bunghole.
Sounds like a blast!
Or it could just be the current coming from the fandy.
I'll bet those team Bob ornaments were really skinny and sweet but not anywhere near as winning as the team Jillian ornaments.
Fine, I watch too much TV. Hmph.
Anon - Two birds with one stone? Like the threesome Lance Armstrong had in England? (Thanks for that.) P.S. Stop drinking during the day.
SUAR - I know. They don't make the soft stuff in industrial sized rolls. Life is weird.
Ed - You know how many posts I have to write to afford fandy!? I don't, either, because this effing blog has not yet made me even eight dollars. Now I'm bitter...and not just because my daughter lost all interest in fandy! after the Skittles ran out.
Lacochran - All I know is that the Jillian ornaments yell at you until you cry.
I'm hoping to exit to a NAMBLA joke at our next get-together.
Working on it, Dori, working on it...
Thank you, SUAR. I now have the name for my band I'm going to start in my next life:
"Sandpaper for the bunghole"
I'm thinking a Yanni meets Slayer kind of sound.
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