Wednesday, June 10, 2009

New York Part I -- Meredith

On Friday, I rode the bus to New York, armed with a jumbo bottle of hand sanitizer and many preconceived notions about bus travel. However, the bus was new and clean and the other riders seemed much less under the influence and much less aromatic than fellow riders on the last (and I thought, final) bus trip I took many years ago.

The sanitizer was a good call, however, because bus bathrooms do not have sinks. What they do have is a sign on the wall above the toilet that shows an outline of a man in a suit and fedora sitting on the toilet. Right next to that is a picture of a man in a suit and fedora standing up -- with a huge red X through him. I took this to mean that if you are dressed identically to another passenger who is using the restroom, please do not stand right next to him as he is doing so. (Frankly, even when I am not dressed the same as someone else, I tend to employ this personal space courtesy. But I suppose it is nice to provide a reminder for those who don't.)

I arrived in New York in four hours and my friend, Meredith, had taken the day off work to meet me at Penn Station. It was pouring rain, so we hopped into a cab to go to lunch. During the ride, Mer began telling me a story about her next-door neighbor and how she can hear him having (interesting) sex with his (very vocal) girlfriend at all hours of the night. (Well, until recently, when she heard a lot of banging on the wall and a plea for help and then no noises since.) We arrived at our destination about midway through her story and as we were getting out of the cab and paying the fare, the cabbie said to me, "I really wanted to hear the end of that story." She finished the story about the murderer/sex fiend over lunch, then we talked about her upcoming vacation to the Turks and Caicos, dramaturgs (look it up) and our crazy parents.

After lunch, I went with her to an audition, and we met up with her husband, John, who was also auditioning (not for the same role). (He is an Emmy-nominated writer for the Chris Rock show and a comedian and pretty much hilarious 24 hours a day.) You may understand (as I do) that probably what drew him to Meredith initially is the almost-constant comedic fodder she provides -- just by being her. (Case in point: just before her audition she walked down the hall to use the restroom and walked right into the men's room by mistake where she saw a half-naked gentleman applying deodorant. To his nether regions.)

After the auditions, we headed to their apartment on the Upper East Side. As we got into the cab, Mer noticed a sign in the cab that said, "This is a Happy Cab." Because she is Mer, she said loudly, "Hey, we're in a Happy Cab." When we arrived at our destination, the cabbie asked, "Which one of you said this was a Happy Cab?" and Mer said, "Me," so he handed her a coupon for a free cab ride and a new Dooney & Bourke wallet. (Closer investigation revealed that this was actually a Booney & Dourke wallet, but that didn't make it any less exciting.)

We freshened up, then headed to the Metropolitan Museum of Art for a Friday night thing they have where they stay open late, play music and serve wine. Or as we like to call it, "Friday Night Pretension." Because it was still pouring, the rooftop wine/music party was postponed, but we did get to tour the museum, which was amazing. We got to see the new "Model as Muse" exhibit that just opened and also spent a lot of time looking at the Impressionists and the Egyptian stuff because we know so much about art the Temple of Dendur in the Egyptian exhibit is where one of our favorite scenes in When Harry Met Sally was filmed.

John met us at Brother Jimmy's BBQ later that night, where we had a great dinner, then we went back to their apartment. The neighbor kept it down that night (double entendre intended) so it was a very restful sleep.

There is too much pepper in my paprikash,

(Stay tuned for New York Part II -- Dori and Jen)


V said...

This is HIGHlarious. Love all the crazy characters from sex fiend/murderer neighbor to happy cabby. Good schtuff. Why I miss all the fun I'll never know.

Dilettard07 said...

Now did Meredith actually see that it was deodorant or could it have been the man was going for a run and applying Bodyglide?

There was a scene in the movie Juno where Michael Cera's character seems to be applying deodorant to his inner thighs. There seemed to be a communal weird moment amongst the audience (by my Spidey sense, anyway), yet those in the know (like me) knew that of course this would just be Bodyglide.

As for loud sex and neighbors, when I lived in Das Boot over on 25th Street I recall at one point my upstairs neighbor needing to get my permission so a Verizon tech could install a third phone line or some such in his place. Said he was doing some on-line business and this was for Visa/MC hookup. Only recently did I do the math and realize that this was probably related to the loud sex that he and his woman had relatively frequently.

Brutalism said...

Tard - She actually saw that it was deodorant -- noting that it was the same kind John uses (though not on his nether regions) (that she is aware of).

I love Michael Cera.

I need to live in a city. My neighbors are decidedly less perverse (or we live just far enough apart that I do not know if they are perverse).

dilettante07 said...

People in the suburbs are WAAAY more perverse than city dwellers. That's why they need all the fences, leafy trees, and fancy window treatments.

Brutalism said...

Tante - ...and fishbowls.

Anonymous said...

Love the blog!

Michael Cera was a runner in Juno, where it would make sense that he was putting Bodyglide on. The guy that Meredith saw was either an actor or some form of low level fungus who would be more likely to be using Mennen Speed Stick.

From Happy Cabs to "Nether Regions," New York has it all.

Glad you could share in our degradation.


dilettante07 said...

'Tard was trying to give you NYC/"creative" degenerates the benefit of the doubt and attribute the attention to the nether regions to an intense fitness regime.

He should've known it was more likely a case of crotch rot from sleeping sans pants on a friend's couch that said friend found in a dumpster, or something equally quaint.

Either way, I hope he got the part.


Brutalism said...

I look forward to the new friends who find Brutalism by googling (or binging) "Crotch rot".

I would totally read "binging" as "bingeing" -- that is unfortunate and Microsoft should have thought of that.

dilettante07 said...

let me know if anyone finds you by searching bingeing on crotch rot. I would like to avoid that person/people.

JenBC said...

Another outlandish and howlingly good tale made even better by the commentary. I assume the comments will be the bonus features when Brutalism comes out in DVD -- or as an audio book? (another reason to keep the discman)

Laura said...

I'm still waiting for the cell phone photo of the guy in the bathroom with the deodorant.

dilettante07 said...

Agreed Florida Girl--a photo would really be nice. Especially as this is my lunch time.

JenBC--I hear that Brutalism is already in talks with James Earl Jones to narrate the audio book--and they may do it on 8-track!

Brutalism said...

I'm thinking that Mennen may pay for some product placement if we can get the photo. "Making nether regions fresher since 1992."

JenBC said...

Maybe. Nether say nether. Or "goblet."

Brutalism said...

JenBC -- Nether totally needs to make the words that annoy me list. Ack.

dilettante07 said...

Could we make "nether giblets" a euphemism for testicles? Please? And put it on a t-shirt? Or a pamphlet?

The man was in the lavatory deodorizing his moist nether giblets.

Sounds very British, and therefore posh.

No, I have not been drinking.

Brutalism said...

a) Nether giblets -- gross
b) You're totally drinking

dilettante07 said...

a) Gross, but funny
b) am not. you're stupid